Stories by Liang Xianquan (梁闲泉)
1. Copy People (复印人)
Chickens were clucking loudly every day and feathers were flying up to the sky. The Heavenly Spirit furled his brow when Zhen Four came to visit. “What’s going on?” he asked.
Zhen Four joined his hands together in front of his chest to show respect. “Rumors are spreading in the four corners of the human realm that everyone must inject chicken blood,”* he advised. “Otherwise they’ll no longer qualify as upright persons. Chicken blood therapy is getting so popular everyone believes it and they all do it. It’s a tragedy for the chickens.”
“That’s the way they are,” the Heavenly Spirit grumbled. “Why don’t people grow brains? They believe this? They should know that if they inject more chicken blood, it will affect human fertility, and that will be that.” He thought about it for a moment and decided to send Zhen Four down to spread the word.
Before too long, Zhen Four returned to the Heavenly Palace to report.
“They’re all crazy. No matter whom I told it didn’t work…. Chicken farms down there are red hot, and believe it or not, copy shops are on fire, too…. And there’s, uh, and there’s something indiscrete as well.”
“Go on,” the Heavenly Spirit said.
“It’s like this. When people get injected with chicken blood they get stimulated. There’s no bottom line to their morals. Men and women are entwined together every day, making love. I won’t get into the details. But the strange thing is – the birth rate of children has gone straight down, while the rate of increase in the population has been going straight up.”
“That’s strange.” The Heavenly Spirit had Zhen Four go back again to see what was going on.
When he came back he reported, “It’s no wonder. People these days have all grown to be the same. There aren’t any differences at all in the way they talk and think.”
“Are they clones?” The Heavenly Spirit came out with a new term.
“It amounts to the same thing,” Zhen Four replied. “I finally understand why business is hot at the copy shops.”
“Why?”
“Because people today are all reproduced on copy machines.”
*[Chicken blood therapy was a quack medical procedure popular during the anti-intellectual fever of the Cultural Revolution. It was thought that regular intramuscular injections of rooster blood would make people strong and aggressive, and also cure a long list of illnesses. See here and here – Fannyi]
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2. Culture (文化)
Zhen Four didn’t find what he wanted to eat on Ethnic Food Street, so he asked one of the market’s managers. “You seem like a man of culture,” the manager said. “How come you don’t keep up with what’s happening? Right now we’re carrying on a huge program, a Grand Reorganization of the Market’s Cultural Image.”
“I didn’t know,” Zhen Four said, “I’m just a small-time man of culture.”
“Are you really a… a man of culture?” the manager asked. “Then we speak the same language, a little. OK, I’ll talk about a cultural problem with you.”
“I won’t bother you. I only came here to get a certain kind of food.” Zhen Four once again mentioned food.
The manager wanted Zhen Four not to mention food any more. “If you’re a cultured person, why do you want to talk about that food? What’s that called?”
“Stinky tofu.”
“I’m through talking to you. We’re in the middle of an inspection of our Grand Reorganization of the Market’s Cultural Image program. All the tofu shops on our street have moved. Voluntarily. Or if they haven’t moved, they’ve voluntarily changed their names to ‘Fragrant Tofu Shop’. You, you call yourself a ‘man of culture’. Do you even know what ‘culture’ is?”
The embarrassment showed on Zhen Four’s face.
The manager raised his voice. “What is ‘culture’? It’s comprised of two aspects. First, of course, is knowledge of all kinds of books. The other is most important. It’s the exquisitely undefined common knowledge that can only be sensed in your bones and can’t be passed down verbally. And where does its excellence reside? Its excellence in everything is entirely in the nonverbal.
“Not destroying by words. That’s culture,” the manager concluded.
“Destroying by words?” Zhen Four asked.
“Being boorish.” The manager said, “We can’t have stinkiness.”
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3. A Message from Dad (老爹发来的手机短信)
Section Chief Niu of the Quality Inspection Office didn’t answer his cell phone. He’d looked at the screen and noted that the caller wasn’t identified.
But it kept ringing, so he had no choice but to answer. “Who is it?” he asked. Surprisingly, it was his father. The signal wasn’t too good, perhaps because he was comparatively far away.
The old man was never one to beat around the bush. Right away he lit into his son: “You went underground and lowered the quality of my house.”
“This is….” His son wanted to explain.
The old man kept on talking. “I wanted to rent it out to make some money. I never expected that everything would be falling over, if it hadn’t already fallen.”
“This….”
“Son, your bad habits have become second nature to you, to the point where you even cheat your own father. I can understand that you wouldn’t give me reinforced concrete to make the place sturdy. If you’d given me papier maché to save money, so be it, but you still should’ve pasted it up solid, you know, by using a few extra layers. Lucky for you, you work in the Quality Inspection Office.”
“Please don’t worry, dear old dad,” Chief Niu shouted. “Next year when I go to the graveyard on Grave Sweeping Day, I’ll make yours extra thick.”
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4. Grandpa’s Weapon (爷爷的武器)
Uncle Wang came to the hospital to visit Grandpa. Uncle Wang had fought in the Anti-Japanese War. He said he’d once done in a Jap general with one cannon shot. I clapped my hands straightaway, and then asked him what his favorite weapon was. He said he really liked the little steel cannons captured from the Japs.
Grandpa fought in the Anti-Japanese War, too. When I asked him about it, he didn’t say anything.
Uncle Qi came to the hospital and said what made him proud was fighting in the Menglianggu Campaign against the Nationalist army during the War of Liberation. When we got to the part about his favorite weapon, he said it was the tommy guns captured from the enemy. I asked Grandpa, who’d also fought in the War of Liberation, what made him proud. He smiled and shook his head, but didn’t say anything.
There was an Uncle Zhao who was a high-ranking cadre in the War to Resist U. S. Aggression and Aid Korea. I asked him what victories he’d fought in. He said, signing the peace treaty at Panmunjom.
“Well, what was your favorite weapon?”
He said something I didn’t expect. He said his favorite weapon was the cipher codes taken from the enemy. He saluted Grandpa after he said that. I escorted him to the door. Then I put my arms around Grandpa’s neck and hugged him, and insisted he tell me what battles he’d experienced.
“What battles I experienced….” What he said was kind of strange. He said, “I can’t brag about the victories. And I can’t explain away the failures.”
I was puzzled and again asked him what his favorite weapon was.
“My favorite weapon is rather peculiar,” he said. “This weapon was learned in the midst of battle.”
I told him to hurry up and tell me.
“Trickery,” he said softly.
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5. Medals (勋章)
The old man was the only one picking through the trash bins who was wearing medals.
Zhen Four went over to say hello but the old man didn’t reply. His back stayed straight with his eyes tracing around in the bins. When Zhen Four patted him on the shoulder, the old man spoke. “You’re really….”
“You still remember my name? That’s right, I’m Zhen Four.”
Zhen Four smashed a pull-top can flat and stuck it in the old man’s bag, then begged the old guy to talk some more about what happened during the war. The old man shook his head.
He didn’t know the old man’s name. When asked, he said that people during the war used to call him “Hero”. He said it seriously and pointed at the medals on his chest.
Zhen Four squinted at them.
The old fellow noticed Zhen Four’s doubt and shook his head silently. The noonday sun reflected off the metal decorations on his chest.
All of a sudden he rubbed his back like he was feeling some pain. When Zhen Four went to massage it for him he discovered there was a steel plate there.
“Left over from the war?”
The old man didn’t say anything.
“You told me before,” Zhen Four said. “It was the war against Vietnam?”
“I’ve forgotten,” the old man said.
“The medals on your chest are…. Are they real?” Zhen Four asked carefully.
Obviously angry, the old man picked up his bag and slowly walked away.
Zhen Four didn’t see the old man there anymore. Someone said he’d been sent off to a hospital.
Zhen Four found the hospital. He saw the old man wearing his decorations, basking in the sun. He asked a nurse, “Are those medals on the old man’s chest real?” The nurse nodded her head.
“What’s wrong with him?”
“Mainly amnesia.”
Zhen Four walked over to talk with the old man. The old guy didn’t move a muscle.
Sunlight washed over the old man’s stone-like body. The metal decorations on his chest glistened.
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6. The Model Answer (标准答案)
A young student with a badge was standing at the school’s gate. He asked Plain, “Who did you come to pick up?”
Plain answered with a question. “I can’t come here if I’m not picking anyone up?”
“Why didn’t you reply in accordance with the model answer? The way you answered, I don’t know what to ask you next.” The little student wearing a badge left and, after a moment, came back with an older student.
“Sir,” the older student asked, “haven’t you ever been to a school before? We want you to reply with the model answer because there’re two alternatives. If the student you’re here to pick up is a boy, say so and I’ll go get him. If it’s a girl, say so and I’ll go get her. That way we’ll get a perfect score.”
Plain didn’t utter a word.
Both children left and came back momentarily with a teacher.
The teacher told Plain to take his hand and follow behind him. The students brought a table and chairs and Plain sat down. There was a pen and paper on the table. The teacher told Plain to answer this question, “You came to the school gate to pick up which student? Reply in accordance with the model answer.”
Plain wrote, “I didn’t come to pick anyone up.”
The teacher wrote a “zero” on the paper in red ink.
He called for the students to bring over a small blackboard. On it he wrote, “If anything is not A, it is B.” Then he said, “If you didn’t come to pick up a child… then you came to abduct one. I ask you, did you want to abduct a boy or a girl. Reply in accordance with the model answer.”
Plain started to sweat.
At this point the principal came along and broke through the crowd. On the blackboard he wrote, “How is our school doing? Note: Reply in accordance with the model answer.”
Plain wrote, “You’re doing fantastic.”
“Did you come to apply for admission to the school? Note: Reply in accordance with the model answer. He added, “Answering ‘yes’ gets a perfect score; answering ‘no’ gets a zero.”
Plain with some effort wrote “yes”. The principal announced that he would agree to Plain’s admission.
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7. The Old Magician (魔术师)
“Ding, ding, ding.” The alarm on the breathing machine was going off.
Old Fu the Magician’s electrocardiogram went flat.
When a nurse came to take away the instrument, the magician somehow opened his eyes slowly.
This Old Fu had a humorous disposition and was always ready to play jokes on people while he was in the hospital. This joke seemed a bit over the top, though. The nurse, a young girl, had come running, her footsteps echoing. The attending physician had come over after a moment and asked, “Are Old Fu’s children here?”
“Yes, we’re all here.”
The doctor reached out and gently closed Old Fu’s eyes. As soon as he took his hand away, the old man’s eyes opened again.
“Are the old guy’s coworkers here?”
“Yes, all of us who were at home have come.”
The doctor closed the old man’s eyes, but they opened again when he took his hand away.
“Are the old fellow’s bosses here?”
“Secretary Zhang nodded and walked up to Old Fu’s bed. “Old Fu,” he said, “this is Old Zhang. You can go in peace. Your apprentices are ready to take the baton.”
The doctor closed the old man’s eyes. Once again, they opened when he took his hand away. Secretary Zhang continued, “Old Fu, you don’t have to worry about how your wife and kids will get along.”
The doctor closed Old Fu’s eyes, and again they opened when he took his hand away. “Think, what else in his life was worrying the old magician?” the doctor asked Secretary Zhang.
Secretary Zhang’s narrowed his eyes for a moment, and then nodded his head. “Old Fu, permission for you to receive the pay and benefits of a Chief Department-Level Magician was granted.” Before the sound of his voice had faded away, the old magician’s eyes closed.
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8. Romantic Love (爱情)
After he won a lottery prize, Zhen Four got a lot of romantic invitations asking him what kind of girl he hoped to find. He said he was looking for a “real” girl.
The first girl to come was named Zhen True. “We have the same family name.” she said. “Do you think my big eyes are pretty?”
Zhen Four said, “I’ve looked at your profile. Your eyelids have been plucked. Not what I’m looking for.”
A Miss Zhen Right came. She made a show of her sexy lips when she talked.
“Your lip-line’s tattooed.”
Zhen Benevolence came. She quivered as she stood there, and her breasts were truly electrifying.
“You’ve augmented your tits.”
Zhen Real came. Her nose was towering.
“You’ve augmented your nose.”
Zhen Pretty was next. Her butt was round and chubby.
“Sorry, your butt’s been augmented.”
Zhen Beauty came in with a head of hair flowing over her shoulders like a waterfall.
“You’re wearing a wig.”
Zhen Good smiled. Her teeth really looked good.
“You’ve got false teeth.”
Zhen Feminine came.
“My investigators tell me your female organs are artificial. Sorry.”
The girl Zhen Princess came. She said not one part of her body was phony. She was absolutely “real”. She said counterfeits and artificiality really disgusted her.
Zhen Four had just sighed when his phone rang. It was his private investigator. He said Zhen Princess’s birth was a C-section. In those days her mother had given birth over a month early so it would be what was called an auspicious time. Looking at the fortune-telling birthdate characters, in addition to the heavenly stems and earthly branches for that particular year, there were six characters which didn’t match up with him.
“Oh, man, that’s a bummer.” Zhen Four really didn’t want to look at any more profiles, and neither did the investigator.
Zhen Four finally took up with another girl. Several months later he told her, “I still don’t know your name.”
The girl smiled and said, “I’m called Black Jade.”
“And your family name?”
“Fauls. I’m Fauls Black Jade”
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9. Unwritten Rules (潜规则)
That day I felt the call of nature, so I paid the fee and went into a public restroom.
Someone was in stall #1, so I went in stall #2. I hadn’t been squatting long when there was a knock on the door telling me time was up.
“Your five minutes is up. You’ll be a nuisance and keep me from getting off work if you don’t come out.”
When I came out I noticed that the guy in stall #1 had shown no sign of moving. “Why aren’t you kicking him out?”
“He’s a restroom employee and gets ten minutes as part of his benefits.”
I went to another toilet and told them I was a restroom employee. I handed over the fifty fen fee and, to my surprise, got twenty fen change. A guy with a big belly went in with me. He took stall #3, and I took #4.
Ten minutes went by, and I heard a knock on the door. “Come out, come out.” Once again I felt discomfited, because the guy with the big belly had gone in at the same time as me but was still undisturbed in his stall.
Even if he was a restroom employee, too, why weren’t they kicking him out?
“He’s in middle management. Gets fifteen minutes.”
I got to the third restroom and fished out thirty fen.
It’s ten fen for middle managers to use the toilet, so I got twenty fen back.
After I got in, I heard the guy in the next stall asking me “What level manager are you.”
“Mid-level.”
He said he was a Section Chief and demanded “Give me your toilet paper.” I regretted saying my position was a lower level. Without toilet paper, I might as well leave. I went to another toilet and saw a placard, a welcome placard.
“Don’t welcome people no matter what. I’m just a low ranking section chief.” That’s what I said.
“Welcome,” the attendant said. “You’re welcome here.” He let me in without charge.
I said, “Suppose I occupy a stall but don’t take a crap?” The attendant said, “You’re welcome.”
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10. Turning Waste to Treasure (变废为宝)
Zhen Four had always thought a lot of Yellow Bird. He felt the parakeet understood people.
When he didn’t have his own place to live, Yellow Bird kept repeating, “no home hard––”; when he found a home to rent, Yellow Bird started congratulating him, “have home good––”
One day Zhen Four said to Yellow Bird, “Being a bird is all right. Why? You don’t have to worry if the price of vegetables goes up. You don’t have to pay rent for your home…. Jeez, you tell me, how high is the water bill these days? Every time I flush the toilet, whoosh, money drips down the drain.”
Yellow Bird came up with an idea: “waste to precious–– waste to precious––”.
Turn waste into something precious? Zhen Four lowered his head in thought. Before he knew it he had walked out of the park and come to the end of a row in a field of vegetables. He felt the urge, so he found a clump of low plants and relieved himself under them.
He returned two days later, after a rainstorm, and noticed that the vegetables were growing especially well in that spot.
“Wow!” Zhen Four had an idea and spoke to the old fellow tending the field. “You have to use fertilizer all the time to grow vegetables. I guess it’s expensive if you have to buy it.”
“Where would we get enough farmers’ fertilizer?”
“I have some,” Zhen Four said, “and I’m not using it, anyway. How about I come every day and put it here for you?”
The old guy looked Zhen Four up and down. “For real?”
Zhen Four took out his ID card. Pointing at it, he said, “I’m Zhen Four.”
The old fellow nodded. “That’d be great, but I can’t pay you any wages. Will you do it if I give you some veggies every day?”
Those were the words that Zhen Four had been waiting for. He readily agreed.
After a month, Zhen Four’s wife could be considered the happiest of them all, but two things puzzled her: First, why had the water bill gone down so much; and second, where was Zhen Four getting the greens he came home with every day?
He said he earned them, but how? He kept it secret. Was he playing some kind of game with her? She kept her eyes open and followed him around. She discovered that every day when he went out to exercise, he actually went to somebody’s vegetable field and relieved himself.
She knew it was Yellow Bird’s idea when she looked at the bushes and said. “Too bad I’m a woman and bashful. Otherwise we’d save even more on the water bill and could earn even more veggies.”
Yellow Bird heard her and said, “don’t be shy––don’t be shy––”
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Stories by Liang Xiaoping (梁小萍)
11. The Compulsion of Prosperity (富贵逼人)
My father has been operating a real estate company by himself with some difficulty for many years. I thought I’d work there to help him out when I graduated from college, but he absolutely wouldn’t agree to it. Instead, he had me concentrate on studying at home to prepare for the civil service exam. He also said he hoped I would make a way for myself in government circles.
Even though I’m the only son in the family, my father didn’t figure on having me take over the company. Right away my mother had some questions for him.
As soon as my father walked in our front door today, she demanded to know why he didn’t let me go to work for the company.
“I’m thinking of the future,” he said
“A ready-made business and you won’t let our son take it over,” mother said. “Instead you have him go start at the bottom in government, something he’s not familiar with. What kind of future are you thinking about for him? Really, someone who’s got it made shouldn’t go looking for hard times!”
Father responded, “Got it made? If the company doesn’t get bigger and stronger, how long do you think he’ll be able to keep having it made?”
“Well, you won’t even let him help you out at the company now, and how will he make out in government?”
“You’ve really got no foresight,” father said. “How will the business get bigger and stronger if it doesn’t have political sway?”
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12. Front or Side View (正面和侧面)
I stopped in to see my big brother on a business trip to Guangzhou. He used to work in the Public Security Department and was responsible for protecting big shots when they were out on inspection tours. In recent years he’s had a successful career as a government official.
We sat visiting in his home for a while. I noticed that he had several enlarged photos in deluxe frames hanging in his living room. They were all pictures of him conversing intimately or shaking hands with various leaders.
“Hey, brother,” I said, “you’re really something, getting your picture taken with so many bigwigs.”
He pursed his lips in a smile.
“But don’t you regret it a bit,” I continued, “that the big shots are all in profile and their full faces can’t be seen? Who took these pictures? They weren’t very good at it.”
My brother laughed. “They were all taken by professional news photographers. When big kahunas come out in the world, not just anybody can take their picture.”
“My sister-in-law, who was sitting off to one side, said, “Take another look at the pictures of your brother. Is he always looking straight at the camera?”
I looked closely and it was true. In every photo, my brother was looking straight on. “Yes, he is,” I said.
“That’s right,” she said. “He wanted his full face to show. Think about it. Everybody recognizes the big shots, whether they’re in profile or even from behind. Your brother really had to work hard to get these full-face pictures of himself.”
She laughed, and my brother laughed even louder. I laughed, too, at what an idiot I’d been.
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13. A Hanging Apricot Branch (一枝红杏出墙来)
When he went out early in the morning, Qing saw before his eyes: a branch of the apricot tree hanging over the garden wall. [He remembered that “a red apricot tree hanging over the garden wall” is a poetic metaphor for a wife taking a lover.]
Qing walked out the door first every day on the way to work. He’d stand in their small yard waiting for his wife to lock the door, and then he’d wait for her to lock the garden gate. The two of them would leave for work together.
They’d planted this tree in their garden shortly after they got married seven years ago. The little tree grew fast. It flowered in the third year and bore bright gold fruit in the fourth. He remembered that its academic name was “golden apricot”.
Qing stood outside the garden examining the tree closely. The garden wall was neither tall nor short and the tree was taller. The branches stayed in the air above the garden in accordance with the customary rules of good conduct, except for the one that slanted off to extend over the wall. That one carried an especially heavy load of flowers.
Qing felt strange. How was it that he’d never noticed that branch before? Maybe it had been hanging over the wall a long time and he just hadn’t seen it. He only noticed today because it was flowering and caught his eye. Could be that it had more flowers because the light outside the wall was better.
Qing looked over the flowers. Each bud was sweet and charming. He thought they were like his wife, who would venture outside only after a long time getting dressed up. He said, “Apricot flowers are really beautiful.”
His wife was looking at the branch hanging over the wall. Her heart started to pound.
Afterwards Qing checked out the branch hanging over the wall every day when they left for work. His wife would glance at it, whether intentionally it not.
While he was watching, the flowers dropped off and the leaves grew out, with little green apricots hiding in the small clutches of leaves; while he was watching, the green apricots got bigger day by day, and the leaves grew bigger with them but soon could no longer cover their silhouettes; while he was watching, the apricots turned yellow and, set off against the green leaves, were the epitome of the word “beauty; while he was watching, the branch, which could no longer bear its heavy load and with its tip drooping down, teetered on the verge of catastrophe.
Qing was a little anxious. His wife looked a little wan and sallow.
Would the branch break off? Should the apricots be picked? He seemed not to like that idea very much. The red apricot tree hanging over the garden wall was too beautiful.
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14. A Magician (魔术师)
A father and child went to see a performance by a magician.
On the stage, in one trick the eminently talented and handsome magician made gold coins appear; they were so brilliant as to dazzle the room. In another he made beautiful women appear; their bearing could turn heads. His tricks brought forth peals of applause and admiration from the audience.
Below the stage, the child couldn’t contain his excitement. “It’d be great if you were a magician,” he said to his father. “I could learn magic tricks from you.”
The father laughed and blurted out, “Why would you want to learn that? It’s all fakery when they make things appear or disappear. I’m the one who’s a real magician. The things I make appear are all for real!”
The child didn’t understand. His father was obviously a government official. How could he be a magician?
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15. My Baby (我的宝贝)
“There’s a good girl. Open your mouth a little wider, here comes a little bite. Swallow slowly. Yum, this is really good porridge.”
It was porridge I’d made myself, scrupulously. I used aromatic rice from the Northeast plus a little sticky rice, and pork rib broth with a little salted fish. I simmered it in a clay pot. Before taking it out of the pot I added some shredded pork tenderloin tips, tender greens and fragrant scallions, and then I drizzled in a few drops of sesame oil. My baby doesn’t have any teeth, so rice porridge has to be simmered until it’s tender and smooth, and it has to be nutritious.
“Good girl. Lift your arm a bit and hold out your sleeve so I can button it up nice and neat for you.”
I’d chosen these pajamas with special care. They were made with fine workmanship from colored cotton material of exquisite texture. They were loose fitting but soft and warm to wear. My baby’s skin needs to be cherished and her clothing needs to be pristine and fashionable.
I’m no longer young, and I’ve had some boyfriends. They all broke up with me because of my baby, but I got another one not too long ago. I’m soft and warm with him and he’s considerate of me, so we get along well together. He heard I make a mean bowl of porridge, so I said I’d save him some when I make it for my baby; he saw I’d bought pajamas and thought they were for him, but I told him they were for my baby and I’d get some for him next time.
He was jealous but didn’t take it to heart. He said he definitely wanted to learn more about my baby’s charms.
So I had no choice, I had to take him home with me: “Here’s my baby. She’s paralyzed and her mind’s been going for ten years now. Sometimes she remembers me and looks at me tenderly, crying like a baby; sometimes she forgets me and stares at me woodenly, growling “ma” at me.
“She’s my mother. She used to be a Disciplinary Inspector, but ten years ago she got hit in the head when she was confronting a corrupt official….”
I was sobbing. He slowly took me in his arms and held me close: “I hope you both can be my babies.”
To get Chinese text by return email, send name of story to jimmahler1@yahoo.com
6. Model Answer, The
7. Romantic Love
8. Old Magician, The
9. Unwritten Rules
10. Waste to Treasure
11. Compulsion
12. Front View
13. Hanging Branch
14. Magician, A
15. My Baby
Liang Xianquan (梁闲泉) Liang Xiaoping (梁小萍)
Chinese Stories in English
1. Copy People
2. Culture
3. Dad’s Message
4. Grandpa’s Weapon
5. Medals