​​         Chinese Stories in English   

​​Have You Eaten?
Jokes Compiled by Prune

     A customer went into a high-class restaurant and ordered a brandy. The waiter brought it to him, but the brandy barely covered the bottom of the glass.
     "Didn't I say I wanted two hundred milliliters?" the customer asked, dissatisfied. "How much have you brought me?"
     "I'm sorry, I misunderstood you," the waited quickly apologized. "I thought you wanted two hundred U.S. dollars worth. Please wait and I'll pour you two hundred milliliters right away."
     "No! No! No!" the customer declined, "this will be plenty!
     A customer came into a restaurant for a meal. After he was seated, the waiter handed him a menu and asked, "May I take your order?"
     The customer didn't even look at the menu. He put it off to one side and said, "I don't need a menu. I'll just ask you. If I were your friend, what would you recommend?"
     "A company not far from here has an employee cafeteria. If you were my friend, I'd recommend that you go there to eat."
     While eating his meal, a customer got very curious and asked the restaurant's proprietor, "This seems like a pretty nice place, so why do you call it 'Robbers' Restaurant'?"
     "You'll find out when you get the bill," the proprietor said knowingly.
     The guest looked at the platter brought by the waiter and inquired angrily, "Why are your hamburgers so small?"
     "You'll understand in a moment," the waiter drawled. "You'll have a tough time getting even this little thing down."
     His face flushed with anger, the customer told the waiter "I found a dead cockroach in the bullion you served me."
     "Oh, you're so lucky," the waiter answered disinterestedly. "You might not have noticed, but the customer sitting by the window has been trying to fish a live cockroach out of his soup for the last 20 minutes and hasn’t got it yet!"
     The waitress handed the couple their bill when they finished eating. After looking it over, the wife asked angrily, "Why is there a charge for long stockings in addition to the charge for the meal on this bill?"
     "You don't want to pay for that?" the waitress replied. "Then the next time you come here to eat, please keep a closer eye on your husband. Either that or cut his nails beforehand."
     "I'll eighty-six that guy in the corner," the restaurant's security guard said to the waiter. "He's had too much to drink and has been passed out on the table for over an hour."
     "Absolutely do not do that! I wake him up every ten minutes, and he's already paid his bill six times."
     A guest in a restaurant by the railroad station asked the waitress, "Why are your portions so small?"
     She replied, with complete sincerity, "We're afraid that customers would miss their trains if the portions were bigger."
     A college student came into a restaurant, called the waitress over, and handed her 50 Rupees.
     "Do you want to reserve a table?" the waitress asked as she took the money.
     "No. I'll be coming back here with my girlfriend in an hour. When I do, tell me you don't have any tables available."
     "I've heard," the customer asked the waitress in disdain, "that you servers eat whatever food we customers leave on the table. Is that true?"
     "How could that be possible?" the waitress answered unhurriedly. "It's you customers who eat our leftovers."
     A husband and wife came into a restaurant to eat. The waitress poured the husband a full glass of wine, then asked, "And what will your wife have to drink?"
     The husband looked at his wife out of the corner of his eye and whispered, "She drinks my blood."
     A man in a bar asked for six glasses of vodka at once. "Is something bothering you," the bartender asked with concern.
     The man said, "I just found out my brother's a homosexual," and chugged down all six glasses.
     When the man came in again the next day and again ordered six glasses, the bartender was even more curious. "Another family problem?" he asked.
     "I just found out my other brother's a homosexual, too."
     The man came back the following day and again ordered six glasses. "What?" the bartender asked in disbelief. "Is there no one in your family who likes women?"
     "Of course there is," the man sighed as he reached for the drinks. "My wife."

Translated from分节阅读3, also available at

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