Chinese Stories in English
7. Great Service
8. Haircut
9. High Tech
10. Ji Xiaolan
11. Last Meal
笑话百草园 An Herb Garden of Jokes, Page 2
All jokes from http://www.baiyun.net/jokes/Joke_Collection.htm; authorship unattributed
1. Bird Test
2. Bottle Fed
3. Checking
4. Coaching
5. Costs
6. Deposit, The
12. Lie Detector, The
13. Long Walk
14. Mahjong Crisis
15. Not Home Yet
16. Roast
1. Bird Test 鸟试
It's said that in the Zoology Department of a certain school, for the final exam in a certain course of study (it's not important what course it was, so I didn't ask), the old professor brought in a birdcage covered by a black cloth. Only the bird's feet were exposed. The question on the exam was: "Examine the bird's feet and write down what kind of bird it is."
A certain student had spent several weeks studying hard for the exam, but he ended up drawing a blank. He wasn't able to do this kind of test.... Quite angry, he slammed his fist on the desk and turned in a blank exam booklet (without even filling in his name or student number) before time was up! This made the old professor angry, and he told the student to write his name on the test paper....
The student pulled up the legs of his trousers, revealing his hairy legs, and told the professor, "You guess who I am!"
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2. Bottle Fed 奶瓶
"You needn't be afraid," said the zookeeper to the visitor. "This lion is very tame. It was raised on a bottle."
"I was raised on a bottle, too," said the visitor, "but I still eat meat."
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3. Checking 验算
A teacher supervising an examination was staring in puzzlement at a student who was throwing some dice. The strange thing was.... The student had thrown the dice several times over the same question….
When the teacher asked why, the student replied listlessly, "You mean I shouldn't check my answers?"
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4. Coaching 教导
The new secretary was a beautiful and enticing woman. Two managers decided to give her pointers about the job.
"Our responsibility is to teach her what she should and shouldn't do," one of them proposed.
"That's right," the other said excitedly. "You coach her in the things she should do, and I'll coach her in the things she shouldn't!"
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5. Costs 费用
"What's this daily charge for 'Fruit'," the guest asked the hotel manager. "We never touched the fruit."
"But fruit was put in your room every day. Don't blame us if you didn't eat it."
"I see." The guest wrote on the bill as he spoke, deducting one hundred fifty Yuan.
"What are you doing," the manager cried in alarm.
"I'm deducting fifty Yuan per day as the 'Kissing My Wife' fee."
"What are you talking about? I never kissed your wife."
"Oh," the guest replied, "but she was there every day...."
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6. The Deposit 存钱
My sister worked in a bank. A young man walked up to her counter and whispered, "Please deposit this thousand Yuan in my account."
After my sister completed the transaction, she said to the man, also in a whisper, "Here's your passbook. Have a nice day."
The young fellow started to turn to leave but turned back right away. "I'm really sorry we had to whisper," he said, "but my car is parked right outside. If it heard I have some extra money it would break down again."
He put his finger over his lips and tiptoed out of the bank.
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7. Great Service 周到
The shark saw a windsurfer and said, "Really great service. Breakfast on a platter with a napkin."
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8. Haircut 理发
A man went to a barber shop for a haircut. He told the barber: "Please cut it a little shorter on the left side. Don't cut the right side and leave it over the ear. Then cut a bald spot on the forehead for me, about as big as a five-Yuan coin, but leave a wisp of hair in it that I can pull down to my chin."
"I'm sorry, sir," the barber said, "I don't think I can do that."
"You can't do it?" the customers thundered. "That's the way you did it the last time you cut my hair!"
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9. High Tech 高科技
When Gorbachev visited the U.S., Reagan invited him to enjoy America's latest technological achievement: a completely automated, super comfortable toilet. After using it, Gorbachev praised it from the bottom of his heart and secretly resolved to have one developed for manufacture in his country as well.
A research department was set up after Gorbachev returned home and things progressed smoothly. But then Reagan made a surprise visit to the Soviet Union. Caught unprepared, Gorbachev convened an emergency meeting of the research department and issued a command order: They must go into production within three days.
He received a report three days later: "It's ready." Later, when Gorbachev was having a meeting with Reagan, he noticed that the President had not relieved himself for quite some time, so he had an extra handful of beans added to his coffee. Reagan eventually went to the bathroom.
Reagan sat down on the toilet and, when he was done, he felt that it really was as comfortable as anyone could want. He thought to himself, "The Soviet Union is really something, to have gotten such a comfortable toilet into production in such a short time. This won't due. For the sake of my country I'll have look into the situation thoroughly and prepare a first-hand report."
He therefore opened the toilet lid a second time and bent down to see how it worked. When he pushed down on the flush lever, a hand suddenly thrust up and began carefully wiping his face clean.
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10. Ji Xiaolan 纪晓岚
An old eunuch saw Ji Xiaolan wearing a fur coat in the winter, but also holding a fan in his hand (as literary types are wont to do). The eunuch thought that was extremely funny and said: "My young and honorable scholar, wearing clothing for winter and holding a fan for summer. Are you able to study in the spring and autumn?"
Noticing the old eunuch's southern accent, Ji Xiaolan replied: "My dear steward, you're from the south and have come to the north. Are there not also an east and a west?"
It's said that one day when he was bored, Ji Xiaolan wiled away the time by going shopping with a group of friends. Feeling listless with nothing to do, he said to his friends: "I see that the woman shopkeeper over there has nothing, but I'll be able to make her laugh with just one word. And then, with just one more word, I'll make her blow her stack!"
His friends didn't believe he could do that, so they bet him a banquet luncheon on it.
Ji Xiaolan tidied up his shirt and walked straightaway to the shop door. He bowed very respectfully toward the shop's watchdog and cried "Father!"
The shopkeeper was startled at first, but then covered her mouth with her hand and laughed. Believe it or not, Ji Xiaolan then walked into the store, bowed respectfully to the lady and said, "Mother!"....
Thus did Ji Xiaolan win himself a banquet.
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11. Last Meal 最后一顿饭
"Do you have any last requests before I send you to the electric chair," the judge asked a man who was being sentenced to death.
"Yes, I do, Your Honor. I'd like my wife to cook one last meal for me. After I eat it, I'll be more than willing to go and die."
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12. The Lie Detector 测谎器
Pop had a lie detector. He asked Dehua, "What grade did you get in math today?"
Dehua answered, "An 'A'." The lie detector beeped.
"OK, a 'B'," Dehua said. The lie detector beeped again.
"It was a 'C'," Dehua corrected himself once again, and once again the lie detector beeped.
Pop was very angry, and Dehua whined, "I always got 'As' before!"
The lie detector fell over.
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13. Long Walk Home 走回来
The villager had been gone for a week when he staggered home, exhausted, his clothing a mess.
"Where you been?" His wife asked.
"I went into the woods to check out my still, and a big old bear jumped me. I ran for my life and finally got away from it. I never ran so fast in my life!"
"You went into the woods a week ago. What you been doin' since then?"
The villager collapsed in a chair and said, "Walkin' back."
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14. Mahjong Crisis 麻将风波
A-Yue was going into the kitchen to prepare a meal for himself. He asked his mother, who was playing mahjong, how much rice he should rinse and steam.
His mother didn't hear the question.... "Nine buckets," she said, as she slapped a mahjong tile with that name down on the table.
As a result.... Their family had enough steamed rice to last for a week....
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15. Not Home Yet 还没到家
Habib was tipsy when he began flirting with the sexy girl playing the piano. Just then, his wife came over.
"When you get home," she told him, "don't forget to remind me to prepare some ointment for your black eye."
"But I don't have a black eye, do I?" he asked, not understanding.
"You haven't gotten home yet, have you?" his wife sneered.
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16. How Do You Want Him? 要烤几分熟
A: Weren't you doing a good job in the crematorium? How could you gave gotten fired?
B: They complained that I talk too much!
A: What did you say?
B: One time I asked a family how they wanted the guy cooked!
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17. Slow-Witted 迟钝
There once was a farmer who went to the doctor with a broken leg. The doctor asked him how it got broken.
"Twenty-five years ago," the farmer said, "I had a long-term job working for a rich man. One night his only daughter sought me out.
"'Do you need me for anything?' she asked.
"When I replied 'No,' she asked again. 'You really don't need me?'
"I said, 'No, I really don't,' and she left."
"Well," the doctor asked, "what has that got to do with your broken leg?"
"Yesterday," the farmer said, "when I was up on the roof making some repairs, I suddenly understood what she meant."
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18. Specialist 专科
The young fellow had just finished his exams to become a doctor. He was still feeling a bit giddy when he went to see his family doctor to tell him that they were now fellow professionals.
"You're probably thinking about becoming a specialist," said the older doctor.
"That's right," the young doctor said, "a specialty in nasal diseases. Ears and throats are too complicated. They shouldn't be in the same specialty as noses."
"Really," replied the old doctor. "Which nostril are you planning to specialize in?"
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19. Thank God 感谢上帝
A minister told the farmer who was buying his horse and cart, "This horse only understands Christian language. If you say "Thank God", it'll go. Just say "Praise God", and it'll stop.
The farmer only half believed him and decided to try it out. "Thank God", he yelled, and the horse started to gallop as fast as all get out, and getting faster and faster.
The farmer was scared silly when the horse galloped toward the edge of a cliff. He remembered to yell the command "Praise God" to make it stop. The horse came to a halt right at the edge of the precipice.
The farmer had narrowly escaped death. "Whew", he said, "Thank God…."
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20. She's Not Familiar 和她不熟
Mr. and Mrs. Bronson had been married thirty years. Mr. Bronson went out to work every day, while his wife stayed home doing housework.
One night Mrs. Bronson said to her husband in a jealous tone of voice, "A young couple has moved into the upstairs condo across the way. I've been watching them for quite some time. The handsome young fellow kisses his wife goodbye every day when he goes out, and also kisses her warmly when he comes home. They're both so affectionate! Why can't you do that?"
"Because I don't know the lady very well," her husband replied absently.
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21. Uniform 制服
A friend and I went for training at a military school. We were quite honored to be there.
We had just been issued our uniforms from the quartermaster when we saw someone wearing a uniform coming toward us. We immediately saluted and said loudly, "Good Morning, Sir."
"Good morning," the man replied. "Post office staff, at your service."
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17. Slow
18. Specialist
19. Thank God
20. Unfamiliar
21. Uniform