Chinese Stories in English
15. Soviet Joke (1)
16. Soviet Joke (2)
17. Swim Coach, The
18. Syrup
19. Tail Wagging
20. That’s Life
21. Themeless
1. Descriptive Terms 形容词
I totally understand that guy who's talking so loud. He never believes anything anyone else says, but when he was still a baby, he says, he changed his own diapers.
And I'm quite familiar with that fellow wearing glasses. He's intelligent and pays strict attention to efficiency. I often see him carrying a radio or a newspaper into the toilet, but people say he's just doing squats in there.
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2. Dirtier 比较脏
[Profanity alert, read at own risk – Fannyi]
A guy bet some people that “I can bite my eye with my own teeth.” No one believed him, so they bet a hundred bucks.
The guy had a glass eye. He plucked it out, put it in his mouth and bit down. Then he picked up the money and walked away, feeling quite pleased with himself.
But he was so pleased that he forgot what he was doing and swallowed the eye!! He was beside himself with worry and rushed off to a hospital to find a throat specialist.
The doctor examined him and said, “Geez, it’s already gone down into your stomach. You need to go see the gastroenterologist.”
He did so but the doctor told him, “Geez, it’s already into your intestines. You need to see a different doctor.”
He went to the intestinal specialist, who said, “Geez, it’s further down. You need to go see the rectal specialist.”
The rectal specialist was wearing glasses. “Take your pants off, young man,” he said with great concern. “Lie down here, face down.” The fellow did as he was told.
When the doctor came over for a closer look, his glasses fell off and he shouted in surprise, “Fuck me! I’ve looked at a lot of assholes, but I’ve never had one look back at me before!”
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3. Done with Tests 考完了
My friend Wang’s grade on the final exam wasn’t ideal, so he sent a wire to his little brother asking him to prepare their father for the bad news.
After a short while his brother replied, “I got him ready for it. Now he wants you to prepare for the bad news.”
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4. Hubby’s Back 你丈夫回来了
A couple hadn't been married long when the husband's company sent him abroad on a long-term assignment. After one year, he came home on vacation. He and his wife spent a pleasant evening enjoying each other's company, and then fell deeply asleep.
In the middle of the night there was a sudden knock on the door, waking the husband up from a dream. "Bad news!" someone outside shouted. "Your husband's back!"
From a deep sleep, the wife replied, "Impossible. He's overseas."
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5. Hunting 打猎
A young hunter came to ask an older hunter how to go after bear. "I usually look for a cave," the old hunter said. "I throw a rock into the cave and if I hear a 'grrr, grrr…' I know there's definitely a bear inside. I jump to the mouth of the cave, aim my rifle inside and fire. I'll hit the bear for sure."
Several days later, the old hunter was surprised to see the young hunter in the hospital completely wrapped in bandages. "I went hunting bear," the young man said. "First I found a cave and threw a rock in. I heard a 'grr, grr…' so I jumped to the mouth of the cave…. But before I had a chance to fire my rifle, a train came out of the cave!"
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6. A Story about Li Hongzhang 李鸿章的故事
Li Hongzhang, the Qing Dynasty diplomat, had gone abroad to attend an international conference. While there he had to use the restroom and asked an attendant where to go.
When he went in he saw it was equipped with Western-style flush commodes rather than squat toilets. Grand Secretary Li had never seen one before and was uncertain where he should go to relieve himself. But he really had to go and couldn’t hold it.
“Oh, man, this is an emergency! I’m at my wit’s end…. Ah, that’s the answer.”
Grand Secretary Li was wearing a traditional-style robe, the kind with very wide sleeves. So he went in the sleeve, and then flung it away. “Oh-oh – I flung it up to the ceiling and it’s stuck there.”
Just then a foreign ambassador came into the rest room. He looked up and, “Huh?”
Embarrassment showed all over the Grand Secretary’s face. He quickly pulled the ambassador off to the side, took out a heavy Chinese gold coin and whispered, “I’ll give you this gold coin. You absolutely must not tell anyone about this.”
“I’ll give you ten gold coins,” the ambassador answered, “if you tell me how you managed to relieve yourself upwards.”
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7. Mother Hen 母鸡
A hen was comfortably incubating her clutch of eggs. Suddenly one of the eggs forced its way out from under her butt.
“What’s going on?” she exclaimed. “What are you doing out here?”
The egg replied, “You… You… You farted!”
The hen said “@#$*&….”
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8. Multiples 翻番
The leader of a certain city convened the annual Work Plan Meeting. "This year we definitely need to work faster," he said. "Each of you tell me, how much can you increase your output?"
The head of a factory said, "We'll increase our output by a multiple of one."
The Chief Executive of a company said, "We'll increase by a multiple of one point five."
Another factory head said, "And we'll increase by a multiple of two."
Everyone was speaking excitedly except one man, who remained silent. This upset the mayor. He asked the fellow, "Can you increase your work output? Give me a straightforward answer."
"I think it's better if we don't. We operate a crematorium."
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9. Nighttime Conversation 卧谈
The roommates continued their discussion long after lights out in the men's dorm. All of a sudden, at three in the morning, they started to talk about this question: "When you meet a pretty girl, what's the first thing you should say to her?"
One of the fellows woke from a dream with a start. He said, "No need to talk. Let's go to bed."
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10. The Pastor 牧师
A young pastor asked for advice from an older one. “How can I get my parishioners’ attention?”
“You can tell them,” the older pastor replied, “the most blessed time of my life was when I was held in a woman’s breast.”
The young pastor looked at the older man in surprise. Pleased with himself, the older pastor continued, “Then tell them, ‘She was my mother’.”
The young pastor thought that would be a good thing to do, so the next time he held services, he told his flock, “The most blessed time of my life was when I was held in a woman’s breast.”
Everyone looked at him in surprise, and he was quite pleased with himself. He forgot the next line, though, so he continued, “Uh, but…. I can’t remember who she was.”
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11. Precious 宝贝
A mother went out and took her precious baby with her. She spoke and laughed with the child to keep it happy while they were on the bus. One of the other passengers was curious and craned his neck to look. "Wow," he said, "What an ugly baby."
This made the mother feel terrible. She cried and cried and kept on crying.
Later the bus came to a stop and more passengers got on. One of them was kind-hearted and, when she saw the mother crying, sought to comfort her. "Why is the young Mrs. crying so sorrowfully? Look on the bright side, there's no problem that can't be solved! It's alright. It's alright, don't cry! I'll get you some water! Cheer up!"
Momentarily the passenger poured a cup of water and handed it to the mother. "OK", she said, "stop crying! Drink this water and you'll feel much better, And here's a banana for your little monkey!"
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12. Punishment 惩罚
A question on a law school exam asked, "What is the penalty for bigamy?"
Someone answered, "Two mothers-in-law."
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13. Replacement 替代品
A customer asked a new hire whether they had hammers. He said they didn't and the boss happened to overhear him.
The boss was angry and issued a directive: "From now on don't just say we don't have something. Find a replacement the customer can use instead."
Before long, a pretty young married lady came in and asked to buy a certain kind of toilet paper. "We don't have toilet paper, my dear," the clerk said. "But…. Would you like some high quality sandpaper instead?"
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14. Scoundrels 歹徒
(1)
A criminal who had been sentenced to death asked the executioner. “What time is it?”
“You’re about to die, and you’re still worried about the time?”
“This is the most significant event in my entire life. It’s really important for me to remember when it occurred.”
(2)
A ruffian was listening to a preacher give a sermon.
“It’s best not to offend an enemy,” the preacher said, “so to make one more friend.”
“I don’t have any enemies,” the ruffian said.
“Amazing”, the preacher exclaimed. “How is it that you don’t have even one enemy?”
“Killed ‘em all.”
(3)
A thief went to church to attend Mass. “What wind blew you here.” The priest asked. “You didn’t steal any turkeys this week, did you?”
“Nope, not a one.”
“Or hens?”
“Nope.”
“That’s great! You’ve started on the path to God.”
“If he’d asked me about ducks,” the thief whispered, “I’d be going the other direction.”
(4)
An officer asked a prisoner who was about to be hung what he wanted for his last breakfast. “
”Oh, right, I remember. Peaches are my favorite breakfast.”
“It’s winter. Where would we get peaches?”
“No problem. I can wait.”
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15. Soviet Joke (1) 苏联笑话（一）
An American and a fellow from the Soviet Union were comparing whose country is the most democratic. "I'm not afraid to rush into the White House," the American said, "slam my fist down on the President's desk and tell him what a damn bastard he is."
The Soviet replied, "What's the big deal about that? I'm also not afraid to rush into the Kremlin, slam my fist down on the General Secretary's desk and tell him what a damn bastard the American President is."
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16. Soviet Joke (2) 苏联笑话（二）
This was when Gorbachev was still the General Secretary of the Soviet Union's Communist Party. One day when he was out on private business, he was unhappy that his chauffer was driving too slow and urged him several times to go faster. The chauffer wasn't able to satisfy him because of the traffic.
Finally Gorbachev grabbed the steering wheel, shoved the chauffer into the back seat and started to drive himself. He dodged in and out of traffic, causing a real mess.
Someone called the Traffic Police and complained to the Chief. The Chief was incensed and called in the traffic cop for that area to ask about it.
Chief: "Did you see the offender?"
Cop: "I did."
Chief: "Why didn't you arrest him?"
Cop: "I didn't dare!"
Chief: "Why not?"
Cop: "He was an official with too high a rank."
Chief: "What rank?"
Cop: "I don't know, but Gorbachev was his chauffer."
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17. The Swim Coach 游泳教练
I’ll say something about the swim coach, too. He was frank by nature and also had a booming voice. One day a pretty young lady greeted him while he was shopping in a market. He fixed his eyes on her and saw she was one of his students, so he said loudly, “I really didn’t recognize you with your clothes on!”
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18. Syrup 糖浆
One day I went to Old Lady Wang’s place on a house call to see if the cough syrup I had prescribed for her last time had been effective. As soon as I went in the door I saw her standing in the middle of the room, her body swaying every which way. The syrup I’d prescribed was beside her, along with a glass of water.
Curious, I asked her, “What are you doing?”
“Getting ready to drink the syrup,” she said.
“Well, you….”
“Look!” she continued. “Look! It says right on the bottle! ‘Shake before using!’”
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19. Tail Wagging 摇尾巴
One day a man was a guest in a friend’s home. He noted that his friend’s dog was a strange one. “Other people’s dogs wag their tails from side to side. Why does your dog wag its tail up and down,” he asked.
His friend replied, “It’s because the rooms in my house are so cramped.”
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20. That’s Life 生活中来
1) A male student was on his way to the men’s room to take a shower when he ran into a coed. He felt he should greet her but couldn’t think of anything to say, so he blurted out, “Are there a lot of people in the shower?”
2) I went to buy some underpants yesterday. They were Richie’s Bullet-style, [the kind with a pouch for a man’s private parts]. A middle-aged fellow in front of me was buying some, too. He asked, “Would these look good on me?”
I knew he wasn’t talking to me, so I didn’t say anything. Then the woman sales clerk said indignantly “Go home and ask your wife!”
3) Pointing to a piece of cake, a girl asked, Sir, what’s your price?”
“For me, nothing,” the baker replied. “The cake’s sixty cents.”
4) A teenager riding a bike through a narrow alley cut in front of an old man. He was a spry old fellow and grabbed tightly onto the bike’s handle bar.
“Stop! Stop the bike!” he shouted.
The kid couldn’t do anything, though. The bike didn’t have any brakes. It carried the old man along, without even slowing down, until they ran into a wall.
The old man, still shaking a bit from fear, asked nervously, “I guess I don’t have to pay for this ride, do I?”
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21. Themeless 无题
This guy’s wife got sick, so he had a doctor come over to check her out. After a while, the doctor came out of the sick room and asked, “Do you have a screw driver?”
“Sure. Here you are.”
The doctor went back into the sick room but came out again few minutes later, “Got a hammer?” he asked.
“Yeah, but…. What’s wrong with my wife?”
“Nothing, but I’ve got to get my instrument case open.”
[In the interests of full disclosure, anyone who checks the Chinese text will note that this is a very liberal translation – Fannyi]
To get Chinese text by return email, send name of story to jimmahler1@yahoo.com
8. Multiples
9. Night Conversation
10. Pastor, The
11. Precious
12. Punishment
13. Replacement
14. Scoundrels
1. Descriptive Terms
2. Dirtier
3. Done with Tests
4. Hubby’s Back
5. Hunting
6. Li Hongzhang
7. Mother Hen
笑话百草园 An Herb Garden of Jokes, Page 4
All jokes from http://www.baiyun.net/jokes/Joke_Collection.htm
Authorship Unattributed