Chinese Stories in English
1. Bathing
2. Bishop. The
3. Cheating
4. Commander, The
5. Congressman, A
6. Dream Spirit
13. Postal Carriers
14. Professors
15. Smarts
16. Tee-Hee
17. Three Wishes
18. Unemployment
笑话百草园 An Herb Garden of Jokes, Page 5
All jokes from http://www.baiyun.net/jokes/Joke_Collection.htm
Authorship Unattributed
1. Bathing 洗澡
A certain factory decided to do something of practical value for its employees. It arranged for them to go to a museum and a bathhouse. It also called a meeting of all male and female personnel to tell them what would be happening.
“Everyone should note, tomorrow our female comrades will bathe in the morning while our male comrades have a look around. In the afternoon male comrades will bathe while female comrades have a look. Follow the rules: look but don’t touch, and photographs are absolutely forbidden.”
The audience was in an uproar.
[“Have a look around” was obviously intended to be understood as “look around the museum”. This kind of miscommunication is unfortunately quite common in high-context Chinese. See Contextual Analysis (1).]
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2. The Bishop 主教
The Bishop had been told that, after arriving in New York, he could quite possibly be drawn into traps set for him by journalists. He was therefore unusually careful.
Upon seeing the Bishop in the airport a reporter asked him, “Are you thinking of going to a night club while you’re here?”
The Bishop responded with a question of his own: “Are there night clubs in New York?”
The next morning, an account of this meeting was published in a newspaper under a large headline, “Bishop’s First Question after Deplaning: ‘Are There Night Clubs in New York?’”
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3. Cheating 作弊
“Polonius got kicked out of school for cheating.”
“How’d that happen?”
He got caught counting his own ribs during the Physiology and Hygiene test.
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4. The Commander 指挥员
A guerilla was telling stories about the war to some children. Suddenly he pointedly asked a twelve-year-old boy, “Kenopuka, if you were the commander of a guerilla troop, what actions should your troop take to prevent the enemy from utilizing a railroad?”
Kenopuka stood and answered in a loud voice, “We’d have to take over the ticket office and burn all the tickets!”
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5. A Congressman 议员
Three general practioners were each bragging about their medical prowess. “I once reattached a guy’s arm for him,” the first one said. “Today he’s one of the best pitchers on the All-Star baseball team.”
The second one said, “That’s nothing. I reattached a guy’s leg for him, and today he’s a contestant for the world’s best long-distance runner.”
“Neither of you guys have done anything,” the third one said. “I attached a smile on an idiot’s face for him, and today he’s a Congressman.”
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6. Dream Spirit 新如梦令[灵]
Had too much to drink last night. In a fog and didn’t know how to get home. Went the wrong way in a stupor, went deep in the woods by mistake. Threw up, and threw up again. Surprised a whole bunch of amorous couples.
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7. The Essay 作文
When I was in school, the kid who sat beside me at our desk in Chinese class wasn’t any good at it. Writing essays was especially hard for him.
Once the teacher told us to write a composition called “Watching Clouds”. The kid sweat blood wondering what he should write to get a passing grade.
His first sentence was: “Nice day today, sun shining, not a cloud in the sky.” He couldn’t think of what else to say and sat there pondering….
Then he wrote his second sentence: “White puffs of cloud floated in the lustrous sky….”
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8. Function 作用
A housewife pointed to some cosmetics on the counter and asked the middle-aged shopkeeper, “What use is this junk?”
“What’s it used for?” The shopkeeper self-confidently called a young sales clerk over. “Mom, let this old lady have a look at your skin.”
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9. A Gamble 赌博
Four gentlemen got together to gamble for money. Before they started, they told John, “Go take a look outside to see if there’s any cops.”
John left and it was a full ten minutes before he came running back in. “Breathing heavily, he informed the gentlemen, “There weren’t any cops outside the door, so I made a special trip to the precinct house and got some to bring back here.”
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10. The Priest Who Golfed 神父打高尔夫球
[Profanity warning – read at your own risk – Fannyi]
There was a priest who really loved to golf but was really bad at it. Whenever he missed he’d curse, “Fucker! Missed again!"
One day a nun who was golfing with him put her foot down. “Father, we in the clergy can’t use dirty words. If you persist, God will strike you down with lightning!”
Although the priest understood, he couldn’t change his bad habit….
The priest went golfing with the nun another day and, when he missed a shot, he once again cursed in a fit of anger, “Fucker! Missed again!"
When the nun heard, she wanted to urge him to change his ways, but before she knew it an ill wind started up and clouds came rolling in like waves. The earth and the sky turned dark, as did the grass and trees. After a moment a vicious bolt of lightning flashed down and cleaved the pious… nun!
The priest, who’d ducked to one side, was quaking in fear. Suddenly a voice came down from the clouds, “Fucker! Missed again!”
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11. Hijack 劫机
A scoundrel who said he was carrying a bag of explosives hijacked a plane. The plane’s fuel was exhausted during the flight and it was going to make an emergency landing.
“Throw the explosions out of the plane right now,” the pilot told the hijacker. “There’ll be violent vibrations during the forced landing and they could go off.”
“Bull pucky!” the hijacker said. “I’ve never heard of a can of sardines exploding.”
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12. The Matador 斗牛士
A matador was drinking in the village. His friends advised him not to drink too much, but he wanted to show off, so he drank until he was swaying back and forth and couldn’t control himself. Then he took a shortcut to the arena. A bull was already there crouching on the grounds.
The matador immediately grabbed it by the horns and wrestled fiercely with it. Eventually the bull was defeated and gave up the fight.
Later the matador told his friends, “I really did drink a little too much earlier. Otherwise I would’ve flung that little guy on the bicycle down no problem.”
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13. Postal Carriers 邮差
One day two postal carriers agreed to go to a roadside stand to get something to eat on their lunch break. They’d just sat down when a snail crawled up on the front left side of their bench. One of the postal carriers was furious and stomped the snail to death.
“Did that snail make you mad?” his co-worker asked.
“Sure did,” the first one said. “I’ve never seen such a despicable snail. He followed me around all morning.”
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14. Professors 教授
(1) “Where’re my shoes?” the absent-minded professor mumbled when class let out.
“On your feet,” a student told him.
“Ah, so they are. It’s a good thing you noticed. Otherwise I would’ve walked home barefoot.”
(2) The absent-minded professor came home late one afternoon. When he got to the door, he suddenly remembered that he’d forgotten to bring his key.
He knocked on the door a long time before his wife came to answer. It was so dark outside that she didn’t recognize him. “I’m sorry, sir” she explained, “but the professor isn’t home.”
The professor remained calm but, as absent-minded as ever, replied, “That’s OK, I’ll come back tomorrow.”
(3) The absent-minded professor was ill and had to be admitted to a hospital. When a doctor came to the door of his sickroom, a nurse said, “The doctor’s here, Professor.”
“Tell him I can’t see him now,” the poor professor groaned. “I’m too sick.”
(4) The professor was a genial old fellow with a good sense of humor. He had a tall, husky athlete in his class. Whenever the professor came to class and started to speak, the athlete would fall asleep and stay asleep right to the end of class.
One day the athlete was late for class. Concerned, the professor told him, “Please don’t come late any more, Jack. You won’t get enough sleep.”
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15. Smarts 智能
John was at the airport waiting for a plane. Bored, he got on a scale. The words “You are John, you weigh 192 pounds and you’re flying to New York” appeared immediately on the fluorescent screen. John was astounded.
Ten minutes later he put on a pair of sunglasses and got back on the scale. Once again, the screen immediately displayed “You are John, you weigh 192 pounds and you’re flying to New York.”
John was even more mystified. He ran to the washroom, shaved off his beard, changed his clothes and came back to the machine. Right away the screen displayed, “You are still John, you still weigh 192 pounds, and your plane took off twenty minutes ago.”
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16. Tee-Hee 嘻嘻
One day a bear and a rabbit were each taking a dump in the woods….
All of a sudden the bear asked the rabbit, “Does it matter to you if some crap gets on your fur?”
“Not at all,” the rabbit replied.
So the bear picked up the rabbit and used it to wipe his butt.
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17. Three Wishes 三个愿望
Three people survived a shipwreck. Survivor A was the smartest, B was second, and C was rather dull. A and B didn’t think much of C, but C looked on them as good friends.
One day they found a bottle on the beach. When they opened it a giant came out and said he’d grant the three survivors one wish each.
A figured that B was going to ask for one full meal, so he hurried to tell B to let him go first. Then he said to the giant “I want to go home.” B followed his lead and told the giant the same thing. In the blink of an eye the two were returned to the comfort of their own homes.
Then it was C’s turn. He wracked his brains but couldn’t think what he wanted. Finally he said, “I’m all alone on this island now and it’s too lonely. Let me have those two friends of mine come back here.” His wish was granted, and so the three friends were back together again.
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18. Why He Lost His Job 失业原因
A fellow who reviewed applications for drivers licenses was transferred to reviewing applications for marriage licenses. Then he lost his official position. The reason was his habit of asking applicants, “Is this application for pleasure or commercial purposes?”
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7. Essay, The
8. Function
9. Gamble, A
10. Golfing Priest
11. Hijack
12. Matador, The