1. Still Full of Confidence (还是很有把握的)
My son didn’t score well on the high school entrance exam. My wife scolded him.
I went to comfort him. “You’ve got to study harder. You want to do better than your father after this.”
The boy was dumbfounded. “I don’t care about anything else,” he said softly. “But I’m really confident that I’ll be able to find a better wife than you did.”
2. Confident (有把握)
The girl asked her doctor anxiously, “What’s the rate of cases where this disease is still present after the operation?”
“Fifty percent,” the doctor replied.
“Well, do you feel confident about it?”
“No problem!” the doctor said, full of belief in himself. “This time will certainly be successful, because my last forty-nine patients all died.”
3. The Elder Monk Understands Best (还是唐长老最懂了)
Tang Seng and his followers were in India on a pilgrimage to obtain Scriptures. One day he got hungry and told a disciple, “Wukong, I who art thy teacher am hungry. Go scare up some vegetarian food.”
Wukong soon returned. He held several cucumbers in his hands.
“Where are we?” the monk asked.
“There’s nothing but cucumber fields for miles around,” answered the disciple. “I don’t know where we are, either.”
Tang Seng said, “Help me up. We must be in a country of girls.”
4. Kind of Agitated (想想竟然有点激动呢)
My three-year-old son came home from daycare. Panting, he said, “Poppa, Teacher’s really awful. She’s always mean to me, and she doesn’t tuck me in for my afternoon nap.”
“It’s not possible for your teacher to be a mother for so many children,” I said. “You need to mind her.”
“I wish Momma and Teacher could change places,” my son said. Momma could be with me every day at day care, and Teacher could stay here at night and sleep with you.”
Surprisingly, as I thought about it, I got kind of agitated.
5. Your Card-Playing Skill (你的牌打的也忒好了)
A: “You always lose when you play [the gambling card game] Landlord. So what makes you keep on playing?”
B: “One of the guys at work keeps encouraging me.”
A: “What does he say?”
B: “You play cards immoderately well.”
6. Is This “À” a Relative? (这À是亲的吗)
Ever since he was small, Zhang Three has always felt like he was adopted.
Once when he was playing outside, he got careless and fell into a pile of manure. His Mom saw it and said, “Let’s send this kid back where he came from. If we return him we can get another one.”
Later, after he’d grown a bit, there was one time when he had a fever. His Mom touched his brow with her hand, then immediately withdrew her hand and said, “You’re burning up!”
His Dad rushed right over and slapped him hard. “I see you’re trying to burn your mother,” he said.
What kind of relative is that?
7. It Has Several Meanings (这是几个意思)
Today I went to eat at a friend’s house. His mother and father were out; it was only he and his sister.
I was bored and walked into the kitchen, where I saw his sister washing cucumbers. I asked her, offhand, “How come there’re so many cukes?”
She looked me up and down. “If you want to know, stay here overnight.”
My friend heard what she said. At dinner he’s been pouring me glass after glass of wine. This could mean several things….
8. You Mean This Is a Reversal? (难道这是反转吗)
Teacher: “How does one ruin a classic novel.”
Smarty: “Film it as a TV show.”
Teacher: “Well, how does one ruin a TV show?”
Smarty: “Rerun it.”
A fervent round of applause!
9. Good Thing I’m Quick (还好我扔的快)
At school a classmate and I went to get some hot water from the boiler. On the way back to the dorm, our thermoses started to go “chirp, chirp”.
“Uh-oh,” I said. “The tops are gonna blow off.”
Whoosh! My classmate threw his thermos away. Bang! Of course, the top did blow when it hit the ground.
His heart was still fluttering with fear. “Good thing I was quick to throw it away,” he said, “so it didn’t blow its top while I was holding it.”
10. Maybe You’re Shrinking可能是要萎缩了
Recently my young friend’s been teasing his girlfriend. She’s really cute, just a little short is all.
He went out with her for a stroll around town yesterday. “Lately I’m always getting charley horses in my arms and legs,” she said excitedly. “I must be getting taller, right?”
“You won’t be growing anymore,” he said, “but it’s possible you’ll shrink.”
11. Do You Know Who Jia Cuihua Is? (你知道贾翠花是谁吗)
Teacher to Smarty: “Do you know who the King of Spain is?”
Smarty: “Uh, no, I don’t.”
Teacher: “Then you must spend more time on your studies from now on.”
Smarty asks: “Teacher, do you know who Miss Jia Cuihua is?”
Teacher: “Who’s that? I don’t know.”
Smarty: “Then you must spend more time with your husband from now on.”
12. I Ducked Another Calamity (又躲过一劫)
I got in a fight with my wife. In a fit of anger, she held up her fists to strike me. I hastily grabbed her hands.
“What’re you grabbing me for?” she shrieked. “Let go!”
The lightbulb flashed. “I won’t let go. I take thy hand, now and forever!”
I pulled her to me and hugged her with all my strength.
I’m oh so smart. I ducked another calamity.
13. One for Each of Us (我们一人一个)
I was riding on the subway. A pretty young mother sat beside me holding a cute little three-year-old boy.
After a while, I guess he got hungry. He kept pestering his mother for some milk.
“Such a big boy,” she said. “You still want to drink milk?”
The child was yelling and clawing at the buttons on his mother’s blouse. She covered her chest with her hand. The little fellow kept trying but there was nothing he could do.
All of a sudden he yelled at me, “Mister, help me get this open. There’s one for each of us.”
Tell me, should I have helped him?
14. Just Me Left (就剩我一人)
A bus was hijacked. The scoundrels got on and chose several women to take with them off the bus. Everyone else on board remained aloof and unconcerned!
After they got off, another woman suddenly jumped off and started wrestling with the hijackers. At that everyone on board swarmed around and eventually they subdued the scoundrels!
A reporter interviewed the woman and asked how she’d gotten the courage to wrestle with the hijackers. “They chose every woman on the bus,” she replied angrily, “except me! Who’re they callin’ ugly?”
15. There Was Only Me (就我一人)
I am a humble student called Wang! I opted for a make-up class in the evening. I wanted to sit in the fourth row on one side of the class. That would be a good position for hearing the lecture if I wanted, but still wouldn’t attract attention if I wanted to play around on my cell phone….
As it turned out, after class started I discovered that there was no one sitting in the first three rows, and only me in the fourth! I listened to that lecture solemnly and properly, the most conscientiously of any make-up class in my whole life!
16. The Pig’s Definitely Gone (猪肯定是丢了)
They say that when a daughter finds a boyfriend, her parents feel pain like a pig has rooted up some cabbage they’ve worked hard to grow.
But ever since my little brother found a girlfriend, he hasn’t even come home to live. His girl’s mother fixes good meals for him and provides all the comforts of home.
Our mom raised her eyes forty-five degrees toward Heaven and said, “I don’t know about having my cabbage rooted up, but whatever else, the pig I raised for over twenty years is definitely gone.”
17. Why Hassle a Fellow Traveler? (同行何必为难同行)
I got a phone call from someone who said he was one of my superiors. He wanted me to send him 50,000 Yuan to help him out of a tight spot. I said, “I’ll get right on it.” I went to sleep for a while and then got another call asking why I hadn’t sent the money yet.
I said I’d gone out right away but forgotten to bring any money with me. I’d only brought two bank cards, and one was for an account with no money in it. “The other card’s gotten demagnetized and it’ll cost five hundred Yuan to replace it. You send me the five hundred first, OK?”
He was silent for some time. Finally he said, “We’re in same line of business. What’d’you need to hassle a fellow traveler for?”
18. Smarty’s Expulsion Gets Processed (小明开除学籍处理)
After Smarty skipped school, he was given ten laps around the athletic field as punishment. Teacher felt he was running slow so he got on an e-scooter to follow along behind him. When they got to the bend in the track, Smarty gave it all he had and sped up. Teacher gave it some gas and sped up, too. Smarty then stopped abruptly. This scared the teacher, who swerved to avoid him and flipped the scooter.
The result was, Teacher had to go to the hospital and Smarty’s expulsion was processed.
19. Smarty’s Gal (小明有女票了)
One morning Smarty woke up and gave his girlfriend a call. “I saw you in my dreams last night, Dear,” he said. “And when I woke up this morning, my underpants were completely soaked.”
This was his girlfriend’s coy question: “Well, Dear, what did you see of mine in your dream?”
“I saw you disrobing and it scared the piss out of me.”
20. Smarty Becomes Top Student (小明成学霸了)
The teacher noticed Smarty sleeping in class. She got really mad and called him up to the blackboard to solve a problem. She was prepared to embarrass him in front of everybody if he couldn’t do it. In fact, she started to give him grief even before he got up to the board.
“Grades as low as yours and you still dare to sleep in class. You’ve really got no shame! Did you leave your brains at home? All you do is sleep all day.”
To her surprise, Smarty actually solved the problem. Moreover, he did it brilliantly.
The teacher was left in a rather awkward situation. All she could do was ignore how well he’d done and send him back to his seat.
She hadn’t expected that he would sass her. “I’m going back to sleep now. After a while, if you have another problem you can’t solve, you can call on me again.
21. Don’t Bump It (千万不要用手碰)
I went to a tailor’s with my mom when I was a kid. My mom pointed to an iron and said, “This thing’s really hot. Absolutely do not bump your hand into it.”
I was quite obedient. I didn’t bump it with my hand. I licked it.
It had more kick than licking an iron pipe in North Pole Village in Heilongjiang’s Mohe County in the middle of winter!
22. Grandpa Sun (孙爷爷)
At my cousin’s house for dinner, my nephew was jumping up and down and here and there while he was watching Journey to the West on TV. He was playing the Monkey King, Sun Wukong.
My brother said, “Dumb kid. You think you’re Sun Wukong?”
“Darn right! And you’re Grandpa Monkey.”
He got spanked so hard he hasn’t stopped crying yet.
23. Angry Grandpa (气死爷爷了)
Smarty was six years old but still couldn’t dress or feed himself. His grandfather really couldn’t just stand by and watch, so he lectured the boy in a very serious tone of voice: “You need to learn to do things for yourself, Smarty. My family was really poor when I was young, and when I was your age I was already going to the fields on my own to collect cow pies!”
Surprised, Smarty said, “You were so poor back then that you had to eat shit pies? Grandpa….”
24. Oh Heaven, Oh Earth (苍天啊大地啊)
On the anniversary of Grandfather’s death, Grandmother took down some incense sticks and gave them to my cousin. “Honor your Grandfather,” she said.
Very cleverly, my cousin knelt down in the completely proper manner. He just had time to sigh deeply before he howled, “Oh, Heaven! Oh, Earth!”
Grandmother slapped him, “pow”, and sent him flying. Everyone was in a stir of righteous indignation.
25. Heaven Has No Eyes (苍天无眼)
A little boy and his ancient grandmother were walking along the seashore when a huge wave whooshed in and swept the boy into the sea. Scared out of her wits, the old lady knelt on the ground, turned her eyes toward Heaven and begged God to return the lovable boy to her.
One wave, then another, and still another beat the shore before the frightened boy was washed up onto the beach and deposited right in front of her. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He wasn’t injured in the slightest.
Nevertheless the old lady, her eyes wide with anger, looked up towards Heaven again. Enraged, she shouted, “When we came, he had a hat on!”
26. I’m Suspicious (我好像知道了什么)
I came home after being away for a while working a temporary job. I’d asked my wife to pick me up at the train station. When the train arrived late, we went to a nearby hotel to spend the night.
At the reception counter, as I was paying for the room, my wife said, “I have a VIP card.”
I was taken aback. “Why would you have one of those?”
“Today I guessed you’d want to bring me to a hotel, so I applied for one.”
27. Watch Your Kid (你是怎么看孩子的)
My five-year-old daughter was asleep on the davenport. All of a sudden she rolled over and fell off. She’s a strong tyke, though, and didn’t cry when she hit the floor.
Instead, she crawled up on my lap and gave me a slap!
“So this is how you watch over your child,” she said.
28. Stay After School (放学你留一下)
Smarty, walking into the classroom and seeing that the teacher has a bandage on her leg: “What’s the matter, Teacher?”
Teacher: “I’m lame.”
Smarty: “What happened?”
Teacher: “I burned it.”
Smarty, turning around and yelling loud enough to wake the dead: “Teacher’s a lot hotter than we are! Nobody better disobey her! She’s so much hotter than we are, she can burn her own leg!”
Teacher: “Nasty little brat! You’re staying after school.”
29. I Didn’t Know (我真不知道啊)
When I was a kid I found some money and socked it away. One day my mom and dad started to complain about how short of funds they’d been recently.
I gritted my teeth and pulled out the banknote. I was only four years old at the time.
“Mom, will you beat me for this? Doesn’t it say five million Yuan on it?”
How could I have known it was one of those bills they burn at funerals?
30. Little Lolita (小萝莉还是小妖精啊)
One of the women in my office has a one-year-old little “Lolita”.
The girl’s always hanging on her and hugging her and kissing her. When she does, the woman tells her, “Lighten up! You’re acting really familiar, but we’ve only known each other less than a year!”
31. My Wife Knows Me Best (还是老婆最懂我的心)
My wife’s away visiting her parents. As I was going to sleep in the evening, she sent me a text message. “Have you been thinking of me, Hubby?”
Me: “Yes, a lot.”
Before long, she sent me a sexy picture of a thigh with a message: “My little sister’s asleep and I grabbed the opportunity to take a picture of her thigh. Give it a rub while you’re going to sleep.”
32. Kicked Out of the Car (被司机赶下了车)
I was going to be late for work one morning and an Audi up ahead was going really slow.
Turns out there was a traffic jam. I’m so hot-tempered that I laid on the horn.
That’s when the driver kicked me out of the car.
33. Can’t Keep a Woman Driver Down (女司机伤不起啊)
My best girlfriend got her driver license and bought a car. She still wasn’t used to driving.
One day after work she insisted on giving me a ride home. She killed the engine starting out but finally got on the road and was driving along smoothly.
When we were almost to my place she said, “Hey, girl, you saw how hard it was for me to get it started. We’re almost to your door, now. In a minute I’ll slow down and you jump out. Then run alongside and close the door. Call it Special Forces training, OK?”
34. Woman Driver Recovers (女司机神回复)
If you’re driving and get in a fender-bender with someone, don’t get excited and argue with him. Give him some lychees or grapes or custard that you’ve brought along for that purpose. Then call the cops and tell them, “… It was all his fault!!”
Don’t ask me how I know. It’s an essential skill for a woman driver.
35. Beauty is Only Skin Deep (美不美一瓢水，卸了妆全是鬼)
One of my female co-workers was a real bitch around the office. “I’m too pretty,” she said. “Every day there’s a crowd of men pestering me. And it’s hard on me to keep saying no to people. What should I do?”
Quietly, I took a cup of water and sprinkled some on her face.
She had a flash of enlightenment. “I get it! You want me to clear up my mind, to keep my thoughts as calm as the waters, right?”
I told her, “Beauty is only skin deep. When the make-up comes off, they all look terrible!”
36. Because It’s Big (那是因为它大)
A student came rushing out of the classroom and ran into a coed. His hand inadvertently touched her chest. He was about to apologize when she said angrily, “You’ve really got no shame, copping a feel!”
The fellow got really upset. “You got anything there? How come I couldn’t feel anything?”
“Do you know why you can’t feel that the earth is round?” she asked. “Because it’s so big.”
37. How Does He Make Youtiao? (油条是用什么做的)
One day a student felt that the food in the cafeteria was just too lousy, so he hit the cook a good one.
As a result, the principal called out both he and the cook. “What did you hit him with,” he asked, “that caused such a vicious injury?”
Feeling guilty, the student replied, “One of his youtiao.”
38. I Want to Buy Youtiao (我要买两根油条)
“Proprietor, do you have a hundred youtiao today?”
The proprietor said, “Nope.”
The girl came back the next day. “Do you have a hundred youtiao today?”
Again, the proprietor said, “No.”
On the third day, the girl came back and asked, “Do you have a hundred youtiao today?”
This time the proprietor said, “Yes, yes, I do. I made a hundred youtiao overnight, especially for you.”
“That’s great,” said the girl. “I’ll take two.”
39. Forgot to Tell You (忘了告诉你，他以前是炸油条的)
Horseface, a Guardian of the Underworld: “Yama! That newcomer, the little ghost who’s been overseeing deep-fryer Hell, is a weirdo….”
Yama, King of Hell: “Oh?”
Horseface: “Every time he pushes someone into the deep-fryer, he makes someone else hug them and go under with them as a couple.”
Yama: “Oh, I forgot to tell you. You know how youtiao are traditionally made so they can be torn lengthwise in two? Well, the newcomer used to be youtiao cook.”
40. Poison-Hearted Woman (最毒妇人心啊)*
Last night I tricked my wife. I told her I was working overtime when in fact I was playing mahjong.
My luck was pretty good. I was the only one winning and it made the other players’ faces turn green.
Just as I was really getting going, my wife phoned to check up on me. I hurriedly shushed the others and solemnly answered the phone.
Just then one of the players, a woman, leaned over and said, “Wanna go another hour, boss?”
I left. Talk about a poison-hearted woman.
[The title is a reference to the movie “Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte” – Fannyi]
41. So, He Hushed Her Up (所以说最毒妇人心)
When I was a kid my old man whipped my butt with rattan cords because I’d been naughty. He was going to give me twenty lashes. When he got to ten I hurt so bad, I was laying over the bench, howling.
My cousin, a girl older than me, came into the room. I implored her with my eyes and she understood what I meant. “Uncle,” she said to my old man, “I think the little guy’s butt has about turned to mush…. Maybe the rest of the lashes….”
My old man stared at her and said, “I’ll beat whoever begs for mercy!”
My cousin paused, then said, “What I meant was, for the rest of the lashes, maybe you should turn him over.”
42. Most Poisonous (最毒妇人心)
The poisoning at Shanghai’s Fudan University had everyone in a stir. One coed said, “If you guys make me mad, I’ll poison you.”
One of the others said, “Where could you get poison?
The blockhead said, “From local restaurants. For breakfast I’ll feed you Sudan Red G food dye and used cooking oil from the sewer. For lunch I’ll feed you pork from pigs that have been given leaness-enhancing agents and melamine C3H6N6. For dinner I’ll feed you pork from animals that have died of disease. And if you don’t think those things will kill you, I’ll do a ‘Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte’ on you.”
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11. Do You Know Jia Cuihua?
12. I Ducked Another Calamity
13. One for Each of Us
14. Just Me Left
15. There Was Only Me
16. The Pig’s Definitely Gone
17. Why Hassle Fellow Traveler?
18. Smarty’s Expulsion
19. Smarty’s Gal
20. Smarty Is Top Student
21. Don’t Bump It
1. Still Full of Confidence
3. Elder Monk Understands Best
4. Kind of Agitated
5. Your Card-Playing Skill
6. Is This “À” a Relative?
7. It Has Several Meanings
8. You Mean This Is a Reversal?
9. Good Thing I’m Quick
10. Maybe You’re Shrinking
Chinese Stories in English
22. Grandpa Sun
23. Angry Grandpa
24. Oh Heaven, Oh Earth
25. Heaven Has No Eyes
26. I’m Suspicious
27. Watch Your Kid
28. Stay After School
29. I Didn’t Know
30. Little Lolita
31. Wife Knows Me Best
32. Kicked Out of the Car
33. Woman Driver
34. Woman Driver Recovers
35. Beauty is Only Skin Deep
36. Because It’s Big
37. His Youtiao
38. I Want to Buy Youtiao
39. Forgot to Tell You
40. Poison-Hearted Woman
41. So, He Hushed Her Up
42. Most Poisonous
中文幽默王 Humor King (Page 1)
Translated from http://www.haha365.com/joke/
(Find jokes by Googling Chinese title in quotes + 中文幽默王)