Chinese Stories in English
1. Attraction
2. Changing Times
3. Failed Marriages
4. Forgotten Birthday
5. Get the Hint
16. Send Money
17. Speed
18. Troublemakers
19. Who
20. Women and Men
21. You Knew Much
11. Poor Timing
12. Preparing for Battle
13. Rich Man's Lamp
14. Right to Privacy
15. Roses
1. Attraction
As the wife was busy doing housework one weekend, she caught sight of her husband lying on the couch leisurely watching TV, without a care in the world.
"When a woman marries a man," she complained, "she expects to be taken care of lovingly by him; but after the wedding, it's the woman who takes loving care of the man. Tell me, what's that called?"
"It's called," her husband replied, "opposites attract."
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2. Changing Times
While discussing his daughter's marriage, Old Zhang sighed deeply. "The times are really different now," he said to Old Wang. "Everything's changing."
"What are you referring to, exactly?" asked Old Wang.
"I'm thinking of back when we got married," Old Zhang said. "We refused to let our parents make the arrangements for us, no two ways about it. These days the youngsters all insist on having their parents handle everything, especially the paying."
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3. Failed Marriages
John was spilling his heart out to a friend. "Both of my marriages failed."
"What happened?" The friend asked.
"My first wife, she left."
"And the second?"
"She's not willing to leave."
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4. Forgotten Birthday
A wife's birthday was drawing near. To sound out her husband, she asked him, "Can you tell me my birthday?"
"Of course I can," he answered.
The wife was happy to hear this. "So tell me," she continued, "On what day, of what month and year, was I born."
The husband gave his wife a look. "Since you yourself can't even remember your own birthday," he said, "it's better if I don't tell you. That way I can save the cost of buying you a present...."
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5. Get the Hint
The husband hadn't paid any attention to his wife for several days because he was in a rush to finish a manuscript, so the wife told him: "Tomorrow I'm going home to mother's for a few days."
The husband didn't understand. "You have something to do at your mother's?" he asked.
"No," she answered casually, "but it's no use staying here with you, either. I might as well go to mother's so I can feel like I did when I was a young girl."
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6. The Highwayman
A highwayman waylaid an itinerant merchant. In a vicious tone of voice, he said:
"This hill was developed by me,
"And I even planted this tree.
"You cannot pass by here for free,
"You will have to pay me my fee!"
"That's as it should be," said the merchant. "There aren't many young people as hard working as you are anymore!"
小品文选刊笑林 Short Literature Digest – A Forest of Jokes
Feb. 2014, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 28
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7. Hush Money
Submitted by Zhang Cheng
Once in high school I went over to a girl classmate's house when her parents weren't home. We started to make out and her little brother came home and saw us.
The kid pinched me for 50 Yuan to keep quiet.
"This one's not bad, Sis," he said as he was leaving, "you ought to treat him right. The others only gave me 5 or 10 Yuan, and I felt embarrassed for you."
今古傳奇故事Legendary Stories New and Old
Sept. 2013, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 42
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8. Issue Date
Two housewives were gossiping about the young girl who lived next door.
One of them said: "Girls these days are weird, that's all there is to it. That one is so young and pretty, but she turned away young men and wouldn't marry them. She just has to marry an old man and be a '''Lady of the House'."
"Nothing strange about that," the other one said. "It just proves that when someone needs money, they don't care about the issue date."
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9. Learning Detective Work
Recently Sophia had been reading books like crazy. Once when she was reading in the garden, a neighbor asked, "What's that book in your hand?"
"Tales of Sherlock Holmes", she answered.
"How is it you're interested in detective stories all of a sudden?" The neighbor asked, somewhat surprised.
Sophia went up close to her and whispered, "My husband has started keeping a secret stash."
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10. No Comparison
One day a wife dressed up in a pretty new outfit. She asked her husband, tenderly and affectionately, "As far as you're concerned, aren't I the most lovable woman in the whole world?"
Her husband thought it over. "I've never lived with another woman," he said, "so I have no basis for comparison. How could I know whether you're the most lovable woman in the world?"
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11. Poor Timing
The night before her wedding, a daughter was in her room with her mother getting things ready. "Oh, mom," the bride exclaimed, "on my wedding night I'll have to take my clothes off in front of Fo Lande! It'll be so embarrassing!"
Her mother just smiled. "Don't worry, Baby. I ran into the same problem the night I married your father. Here's something you can do. When things start getting going in the hotel room, he might say he has to go down to the lobby to take care of something. When he leaves, you can take off your clothes and jump into bed, so when he gets back, everything'll be hunky-dory."
Sure enough, the next evening after the two had spoken lovingly to each other for a while in the hotel room, the groom Fo Lande left the room to go to the lobby. As soon as he went out, the new bride started to bustle about, so that by the time he got back, she was already in bed and under the covers.
The groom looked at her, greatly puzzled, and then looked at his watch. "What are you doing? We haven't gone to the reception, yet!"
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12. Preparing for Battle
Old Xie took his seven-year-old son to see the Chinese movie "Warriors of the Rainbow". In one scene, the partisans were painting each other's faces as they prepared for a nighttime attack on the Japanese police. Xie's son was mystified. "Pop, why are they brushing all those colors on their faces?"
"That means they're getting ready for battle," Xie explained.
When they got home after the movie, Xie's wife was getting ready to go out to play mahjong. When the boy saw her, he slipped quietly into the living room where Xie was sitting on the sofa watching TV. "Let's get out of here, Pop," he said. "Mom's getting ready for battle."
讲义（台湾）Handouts Magazine (Taiwan)
Nov. 2013, p. 117, 殷登国Yan Dengguo, Ed.
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13. The Rich Man's Lamp
A millionaire walked into a lamp store. After strolling around for a while, he raised his hand and pointed at a crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling. "Hey, how much is this thing worth?" He asked the clerk.
The clerk looked the customer up and down. He was of undistinguished appearance, so the clerk thought he was only asking out of curiosity and ignored him. The rich man asked a couple more times, but the clerk paid him no mind.
This made the rich man mad. He swung his cane at the chandelier and, "bang," smashed it to pieces.
"What the..." the clerk shrieked.
"Now can I know what it costs?" the man asked the clerk.
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14. The Right to Privacy
A mother sneaked a peek in her son's diary.
Mom: "Wow! You write poetry! And as pleasant as a warm spring day, too. Where did you learn to do that?"
Son: "You snuck a look at diary. That's private!"
Mom: "Private? I'm your mother and you're talking privacy to me? What privacy was there before you were born, when we were wearing the same underwear?"
http://www.xuehuile.com/blog/f99ab75b53cf4b759b346a88636412b9.html
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15. Roses
Anna saw a young fellow with a rose in his hand walking on the avenue. "When someone is walking along carrying one rose, he must be on his way to see his girlfriend," she said to her friend Nancy.
"What if he's got a bunch of roses," Nancy asked. "Does that mean he's got a bunch of girlfriends?"
"No, it just means he's very deeply in love with his girlfriend," Anna answered.
Nancy took a look around the street and saw a young fellow holding several bunches of roses. "Well, if he's got bunches and bunches of roses," she said, "he must be completely enraptured."
"No," Anna replied, "he must be a flower vendor!"
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16. Send Money
A son fell seriously in love and sent a letter to his stingy father: "Dear Dad, if you still love me, please send me 20 shillings. I want to take an engagement photo with my fiancé. I'll send the picture to you."
The father sent this reply: "Dear Son, I'm sending you 10 shillings. You only need to send me the photo of your fiancé and that will be fine. As for you, I can remember what you look like without seeing a picture."
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17. Speed
An American was travelling in France. One day he went by the Arch of Triumph in a taxi. "What's that?" he asked the driver.
"It's the Arc de Triomphe," the cabby replied proudly. "It took 30 years to build."
"We'd only need 10 years to build that kind of thing in America," the American said with disdain.
As they drove past the Elysée Palace, the American asked, "What's this?"
"It's the Palais d'Elysée," the driver replied with pride. "It took us 20 years to build."
"We'd only need five years to build that kind of thing in America," the American said scornfully.
Then they drove past the Eiffel Tower. "And what's this," the American asked.
"I don't know," said the driver. "It wasn't here when I drove by ten minutes ago."
[Fannyi says – The obvious punch line to this joke should be: "Well," said the American, "You must have hired American engineers to build it."]
笑话故事 Joke Stories
National Beauties Publishing, 2010, Chen Shufang, Ed., p. 83
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18. Troublemakers
"Your three troublemakers climbed up in my apple tree," the neighbor hollered angrily.
"Oh, my God," said the mother. "Where's my other kid?"
http://55txt.net/bbs/html/view_60725_3.html
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19. Who, If Not Him
Son: "Why is Dad always nice to me when you're around, but always cuts me down behind your back?"
Mom: "What? He wouldn't dare treat you like that."
Son: "You cut Dad down behind my back a lot, don't you, Mom?"
Mom: "How do you know?"
Son: "Please, Mom, start treating Dad a little better. Otherwise it'll really be a bummer for me!"
Mom: "Where do you get off saying that? His mom's always cutting me down behind my back, so if I don't criticize him, who would I criticize?"
http://www.haha365.com/xd_joke/580333.htm
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20. Women and Men
The wife was watching a TV program about relationship problems. "The way we women see it," she said to her husband with a sigh, "there's not much difference between one woman and another. So why the heck do most men want to keep switching from woman to woman?"
"The reason we men can keep switching from woman to woman," her husband argued, "is precisely because there's not much difference between one and another. You're all pretty much the same."
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21. You Knew Too Much
My old man woke up in the middle of the night and went into the bathroom to have a smoke. He saw a cockroach and talked to it for a long time.
When he finished his smoke, Dad crushed the cockroach under his foot.
"Huh," he said evilly. "You got to know too much...." Then he calmly went back to bed.
http://55txt.net/bbs/html/view_60725_3.html
Also at http://doc.qkzz.net/article/bf073cff-30e0-4fa1-bbcd-1733e957a6ba.htm, joke #9
To get Chinese text by return email, send name of story to jimmahler1@yahoo.com
Little Jokes, Page 2
Unless otherwise noted, these jokes were published in Great Originality in Little Jokes, pp. 26-31, authorship unattributed.
《 小笑话大创意》上海绵绣文章出版社，上海故事会文化传媒有限公司
6. Highwayman
7. Hush Money
8. Issue Date
9. Learning Detective
10. No Comparison