Jokes from Miscellaneous Sources, Page 2

​​         Chinese Stories in English   

10. Laws for Husbands
11. Miscellany
12. Oracle Replies
13. Pious Believer, A

6. Copying Homework
7. Courteousness
8. Disturbance
9. Girlfriend

14. Quick Stop
15. Rat Carving
16. Rules for Husbands
17. Stop Thinking of You
18. There's Always One

1. Asking for Money
2. Bankrupt Owner, The
3. Buying a Watermelon
4. Close to Boss
5. Constipated Worker

1. Asking for Money

          Little Wang found that he didn't have any change when he got on the bus to go home, so he fished out a ten-spot and tossed it in the fare box. He talked it over with the driver and asked if he could get his change by standing there at the door and asking people boarding at subsequent stops to give him the money they would normally have put in the box. Unexpectedly, the driver agreed.
          They drove quickly to the next stop. Little Wang blocked the door and said to the first passenger, "Give me the money." The passenger glanced at the driver, who nodded to indicate it was OK. Next a big fellow got on and, when he saw Little Wang barring his way, asked the driver, "What's this guy doing?"
          With the big guy filling up the door, the people behind him couldn't get on, and the people already on board were in a hurry to get going. Everybody started grumbling, "What's with all the talking. Hurry up and give him the money!" The big guy fished his wallet out of his pocket and handed it over. "Hey, bro," he said with a sad look on his face, "this is all I have on me. There's so many of you, I give up!"

                                                                                                                                                                     (Selected from New Stories Magazine)

小小说月刊 Mini Novel Magazine No. 348, March 2013, First Semimonthly Issue, p. 6
2. The Bankrupt Owner
by Zhang Zhiguo

          The owner of a big company went bankrupt. He became an ordinary person who couldn't even find a job.
          One day he saw a help wanted ad for a prison guard and went to apply for the position.
          "These fellows are really hard to handle," the warden told him. "Think you can do the job?"
          "No problem," the former company owner replied. "If they won't submit to discipline, I'll tell them they'll just have to go find a job somewhere else."

上海故事, 2012•11,总333期,第49页
Shanghai Gu Shi No. 333, Nov. 2012, p. 49
3. Buying a Watermelon

          The wife called her husband, a computer programmer, on the phone. "On the way home from work get us a pound of steamed buns. If there's watermelon for sale, get one."
          That evening, the husband came through the door at home with one steamed bun in his hand….
          "How could you buy only one bun," the wife said angrily.
          "Because they had watermelon for sale," he replied.

Manuscript Compiled and Submitted by Grape, Mini-Fiction Blog, Republished from Youth Blog
4. Close to the Boss

     An office worker was bragging about how close he was to the boss: "When we were kids, we played together all the time, buck naked! Is that close, or what?
     One of the other workers, a pretty young girl, was filled with scorn. "So what if you played naked together when you were young? I play with him naked now, so who's closer?"

 小品文选刊 笑林 Selected Short Fiction: Forest of Laughs, Feb. 2014, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 8
5. Constipated Worker

          A construction worker went to see a doctor complaining of severe constipation.
          After examining him, the doctor said: "This is quite easy. Get up on the table, please."
          Then the doctor took out a wooden club, sucked in his breath as hard as he could and whacked the construction worker violently on the butt.
          Next he grabbed the guy and threw him into the rest room!
          The construction worker wailed for a long time but eventually he quieted down and began to smile broadly.
          He came out of the toilet completely satisfied and expressed his thanks to the doctor.
          The doctor wrote out a prescription for the construction worker and told him to go pick up the medicine. When he did, the pharmacist just gave him a roll of toilet paper.
          "The doctor wants me to instruct you," she said to the construction worker in a kindly voice, "from now on use this toilet paper when you go to the bathroom, and don't use old cement bags any more, OK!"

6. Copying Homework
by Zhang Zhiguo

          Copying homework actually isn't [just] called "copying homework." In philology it's called "borrowing from a source"; in education it's called "contrasting"; in English it's "copying"; in geography "migrating"; "transcribing" in biology; getting a "frame of reference" in physics; gathering "isomers" in chemistry; "seeking a common ground" in politics; and "grand unification" in history.

上海股市, Shanghai Gu Shi No. 333, Nov. 2012, p. 49
7. Courteousness

          Recently a relatively high number of students have been going to an Internet Cafe. The Principal asked some of us mid-level leaders to go with him to the Cafe after lunch to round up the students.
          Except for the classes we teach, we mid-level leaders don't have much contact with the students. We don't recognize a lot of the students from other classes.
          The students at their computers ducked their heads as we entered the cafe. We couldn't tell which ones were from our school, so we would have to check them out one by one. As we came up to one student, he got out of his chair, gave us a polite bow and said, "Hello, Teacher!"
          "We got one," the Principal said. "It's a good thing this kid is courteous, or we might not have got any."
                                                                                                                                                                             Recommended by Song Youzi

今日文摘 Digest of Today's Literature #355,  March 2013, Second Semimonthly Issue, p. 40
8. Disturbance
Submitted by Lei Jun

     I wasn't a good student in junior high. I was assigned to the last row and went to seep as soon as class started.
     Once a teacher from the city came to our class on a Study Exchange. Our home room teacher audited the class and sat beside me in the back row, so I pretended to take notes very diligently. When class was over the teacher patted me on the shoulder and said, "Sorry for disturbing your nap…."

 今古傳奇故事Legendary Stories New and Old, Sept. 2013, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 42
9. Girlfriend
Submitted by Xia Zhi

     Father: "You have a girl at school?"
     Son: "Nope."
     Father: "How come you didn't bring your computer home?"
     Son: "I left it at school."
     Father: "You're letting your girlfriend use it, aren't you!"
     Son: "No, she's got her own."

 今古傳奇故事Legendary Stories New and Old, Sept. 2013, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 42
10. Laws for Husbands

The Natural Laws of Silence for Husbands:
   1. Never admit it when your wife is right;
   2. When your wife is wrong, look to see if her expression shows she’s wrong;
   3. Whether she’s right or wrong, what you say is always right.

The Natural Laws of Worry for Husbands:
   1. Whether your wife does or does not have anything to do, she will always come bother you;
   2. If your wife doesn’t come bother you, the electric company’s bill collector will come bother you;
   3. If neither your wife nor the bill collector comes to bother you, it means you will soon be worried about your wife.

The Natural Laws of Footing the Bill for Husbands:
   1. Give your wife enough so that she thinks it’s a lot, without it actually being a lot;
   2. If your wife doesn’t think it’s a lot, when you give her more the increase mustn’t exceed 5 percent;
   3. Remember, whatever you give her this time is the bottom line for next time;
   4. Remember not to raise the amount lightly, or else the increased amount will also become a bottom line.

The Natural Laws of Eyesight for Husbands:
   1. Don’t turn your gaze toward other women in front of your wife;
   2. If you do stare at another woman, you should avoid letting your wife see it;
   3. If your wife does see it, immediately turn and look attentively at her, and say: How come the style of clothing she’s got on isn’t as pretty as what you’re wearing?

The Natural Laws of Sending Flowers for Husbands:
   1. If you’re hard pressed for money, send a bunch of flowers;
   2. Send a bunch of flowers if you’re flush, too, but if you’re not sure you’ll send a bunch at regular intervals, don’t sent even one bunch;
   3. Send flowers for a reason, not sudden impulse, or else she’ll suspect you’re doing it because of a guilty conscience.

The Natural Laws of Window Shopping with Your Wife:
   1. First reconnoiter the lay of the land, and avoid high-class photo galleries and specialty shops; if you can’t stay away from them, face them bravely and don’t display your ignorance;
   2. Build a bridge by day (pretend to accompany her patiently while she comparison-shops and is nit-picky) but ferry your army across at night (wait for an opportunity to divert her attention);
   3. Naturally the best method is to fork over financial control of your estate, while of course retaining a small but sufficient treasury.
Source: Ambiguity Magazine
11. Miscellany

My whole life has been a straight line. I’m turning a corner just to meet you.
– A divorced woman’s personals ad

I’m my parents’ pet. Every day they keep me at home, or in a car, or in a classroom. I wonder when they’ll let me out for some fresh air.
– A fifth-grade student recounting his angst in his diary

Chinese parents have never considered the education of their sons and daughters to be a science. Most think kids can learn by themselves without a teacher, depending on intuition and experience for everything.
– Wang Jisheng, Tutor of Ph.D. Candidates in Psychology at the Chinese Academy of Sciences, on long-standing problems in child-rearing practices

If a marathon runner runs the 3500-meter without sweating or breathing hard, is that normal?
– Said by a Professor of Economics regarding inflation 

Only a son who is deprived will know how to struggle when he grows up. Only a daughter who is indulged will not be seduced when she grows up.
– The Dao of Educating Children

A bite from a book, a bite from the parents.
– A description of those “family chewers” who rely on parents for living expenses while they repeatedly sit for and fail the postgraduate entrance exams

When wise people have money, they’ll use it to make their lives more excellent, more rich, more beautiful; When people who lack wisdom have money, they’ll use it to make themselves more stupid.
– Views on Wealth of Yu Minhong, Director of the New Orient Education Group

“Number one producer of Ph.Ds.?” Is that worth flaunting?
– According to the most recent statistics, the number of Ph.Ds. educated in China passed 50,000 last year. China had already passed the United States as the country awarding the most Ph.Ds. in the world. Some critics point out that the rapid increase in the number of Ph.Ds. has not only made it difficult for them to find employment, but has also lead to a decrease in the quality of education at various levels, a devaluation of educational degrees and other problems. Next it will influence the satisfactory development of the educational system for all our citizens

A woman who has a smattering of knowledge about men will end up as a wife.  A woman who knows men like the palm of her hand will end up single all her life.
– Woman’s Law of Nature

We’re all quite familiar with “Ready, Aim, Fire”. The problem is that most people spend their lives aiming and miss the opportunities to fire.
– Said by Jack Canfield, creator of the American best seller “Chicken Soup for the Soul”

Life’s greatest regret is to die before using up all your money. Life’s greatest tragedy is to be living after all your money is gone.
– A manual for a really electrifying reverse mortgage life insurance product

青年文摘 Youth Digest, October 2008, First Bi-Monthly Issue, p. 31
12. Oracle Replies

Q: What should I do if I'm feeling sad?
The Oracle: If you're feeling sad, just go talk to the old ladies who live in your block of condos. Usually, within ten minutes, you'll have found out about all the people in each building who are more miserable than you are, and you'll feel a lot better.

意林 Ideas Magazine No. 215, May 2013 Second Semi-Monthly Issue, p. 5
13. Pious Believer, A

     Once, after a very heavy rain, floodwaters began to engulf the entire city. A devout priest remained in his chapel, praying.
     Before he knew it, the water had already reached his body. One of his disciples rowed up in a boat. "Father!" he said. "Hurry! Get in the boat, or you'll drown in the flood!"
     "No," the priest said. "I'm going to keep watch over my temple! I'm convinced that God will save me!" The disciple left in despair.
     Before long, the water was up to the priest's head. Reluctantly, he had to stand on a table.
     Then a policeman came along in a small boat. "Come on! Get in!" he said, "or you'll drown in the flood!"
     The priest said, "No! I'm going to keep watch over my temple! I'm convinced that God will save me!" The policeman gave up and left.
     Some more time passed, and the floodwaters covered the church. The priest had to climb up on the cross on top of the steeple.
     Then a helicopter came flying slowly by. The people in the helicopter threw out a rope ladder and shouted, "Father! Hurry! Grab the ladder and climb up! Otherwise, you really won't get rescued!"
     The priest was steadfast. "No!" he cried. "I want to save my church! I truly believe God will come and save us!"
     The helicopter left.
     But the floodwaters kept swelling. They swelled until, in the end, the priest drowned.
     When he got to Heaven, he saw God. "Why didn't you save me?" he asked angrily. "Is that how You treat Your loyal believers. No one will believe in You any more!"
     God sighed and said, "I sent two boats and a helicopter to rescue you! What, I had to send an aircraft carrier before you'd see fit to get on?"

 笑话故事 Joke Stories
National Beauties Publishing, 2010, Chen Shufang, Ed., p. 82
 14. Quick Stop

Recommended By Chen Kai

          A passenger had dozed off in the back seat of the speeding bus. All of a sudden the driver slammed on the brakes and in a flash the passenger rolled and lurched to the front.
          He stood up beside the driver. "Sir," he said, glaring at the man. "Did you want to see me?"
          The driver: ".…."

今日文摘, Digest of Today's Literature #355
March 2013, Second Semimonthly Issue, p. 41
15. Rat Carving
by @Burn-E

          A king had two woodworkers each carve him a rat. The first one carved a very life-like representation, but the second carving didn't look much like a rat at all.
          When the king was about to announce that the first woodworker had won the prize, the second woodworker suggested that he should get a cat to judge which carving was the best.
          The result was, the cat preferred the second woodworker's carving. He had used fish bones.

新故事 New Stories Magazine No. 323, April 2013, p. 7
16. Rules for Husbands

A Husband’s Rules for Returning Home Late
   1. Don’t come home later than 1:00 a.m.
   2. If it’s after 2:00 a.m., prepare two excuses.
   3. After 3:00 a.m., prepare three excuses.
   4. Don’t prepare any excuses after 4:00 a.m., because all excuses will be futile.
   5. As for the content of the excuses, adhere to this principle: don’t tell lies and don’t spit out the truth.

A Husband’s Rules for Leading a Dog’s Life
   1. Don’t talk about controversial subjects with your wife.
   2. If you are unable to do something, push it off on your wife.
   3. When she’s done, give her more to do, much more than you do yourself, of course.

A Husband’s Rules of Faith
   1. Have faith you can change your wife.
   2. If there’s no way to change her, have more faith.
   3. If you still can’t change her, change your faith.

A Husband’s Rules for Avoiding Disaster
   1. If you don’t want to know the answer, don’t ask.
   2. If your wife doesn’t want to talk about it, don’t ask.
   3. You can ask about anything else, but don’t believe the answer.
Source: Ambiguity Magazine
17. Stop Thinking of You

          I told my boyfriend: "A guy I used to date is in Beijing, too. He looked me up and wants to have dinner. Would you mind?"
          Boyfriend: "When did you date him?"
          Me: "College, sophomore year."
          Boyfriend: "How much did you weigh then?"
          Me: "A hundred pounds, I guess…."
          Boyfriend: "So go to dinner with him. Let the guy stop thinking of you so he can have some peace of mind."
                                                                                                                                                                     (Recommended by Chen Kai)
[Note: We've published this to prove that American men are not the only pigs in the world.— Fannyi]

今日文摘 Digest of Today's Literature #355,
March 2013, Second Semimonthly Issue, p. 41
18. There's Always Someone

     A he-man was beaten by a master. The master said, "I've studied taekwondo."
     The master was beaten by a swashbuckler. The swashbuckler said, "I've studied jeet kune do."
     The swashbuckler was beaten by a middle-aged woman. The women said, "I ride public busses."

意林 Ideas Magazine #215, May 2013, Second Semi-monthly Issue, p. 53

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