Chinese Stories in English
1. Being Careful
2. Doing Business
3. Keep in Touch
4. Message, The
5. Name Dropper
6. Not Shocked
7. Ounce of Prevention
12. Touched Up
13. Useful Dog
New Wave Jokes
1. Being Careful By @Soda Hero
"Do you have a condo?" the woman asked listlessly.
"Of course!" the man answered with a sort of been-there-done-that confidence.
The woman seemed doubtful. "You look kind of old. I wouldn't want to cosign a loan with you."
"Just paid it off, but I don't have a car, yet. You look kind of old, yourself. You shouldn't be so picky!" The woman tacitly agreed.
So they got married. It said on the license: "Male, 72, Female, 69, First Marriage." (p. 48)
2. Doing Business by @One South China Song
Little Bright: "Look, guys, a full keyboard Blackberry cell phone! My dad's a lawyer, and he represented a suspect and got him a reduced sentence!"
Little Strong pulled out his N8: "My dad's a doctor, and he got this for removing someone's appendix!"
Little Firm pulled out an iPhone4 and threw it on the ground. "You guy's phones are nothin'! Look, my dad's a government worker. He signed his name on an old guy's Building Demolition Permit, and the developer gave us a whole box!" (p. 11)
3. Keep in Touch by @Weng Zhigang 911
Xiaodong gave his mom a cell phone. He kept in touch with his mom regularly but didn't go home to visit very often.
He didn't notice when his mom caught cold a few days ago.
One day Xiaodong called home but no one answered. He was worried and rushed over. To his surprise his mom was just fine, and in fact greeted him happily. " Xiaodong, you've come for a visit!"
"Why didn't you answer your phone, Mom?"
"If I answer that phone," she said, "I have to wait a long time before I get to see you again!" (p. 10)
4. The Message by @Diligent Aphorism
Little Beauty was having an affair. She often exchanged love notes with her paramour by text message right under her husband's nose. Practice makes perfect, and by now she was able to delete texts from her phone with her eyes closed.
One day her lover sent her another message arranging a tryst. Little Beauty was reading it and feeling frisky when her husband, who had a feeling something was up, suddenly appeared.
Little Beauty put the phone behind her back at once and quickly made to delete the message. When she was finished, she pretended that nothing had happened as she shot a glance at the screen. Her eyes got wide when she saw the display: Group Message Sent Successfully! (p. 9)
5. Name Dropper by @Chai Ancheng
Little True impressed people as being very busy. Every day he'd rush in and out of the office, making and receiving phone calls, and the calls were often "Chief Zhang, how are you" or "Secretary Li, what's up?"
Little True's boss was astounded. He pondered the matter and decided he'd better not treat this young fellow too lightly.
One day the boss was looking for Little True. He wasn't in the office, but his phone was on his desk. The boss wanted to look up Chief Zhang's number, so he looked through Little True's contact list but couldn't find it….(p. 11)
6. Not Shocked by @Fifth Business Virtual Controller
Ms. Liu, who lived on the top of a mountain, complained to the Products Hotline several times that there was a problem with the quality of her husband's cell phone. The problem was never resolved.
Eventually her call was transferred to Operator 104. "Ma'am, what indication is there that there's a quality problem?"
"There's definitely a quality problem. The other day, when it was thundering, my husband was hiding on the roof and talked on the phone for half an hour, but he didn't get hit by lightning even once…." (p. 9)
7. Ounce of Prevention By @Hazy Rivulet
My son's wife left her pet dog, Treasure, with her parents to take care of while she was abroad. One day the father saw the mother pulling the cotton padding out of a mattress and couldn't control his curiosity: "What are you taking it apart for?"
Mother: "To give Treasure a warm place to sleep."
Father: "With weather like this, could a dog get cold?"
Mother: "There's nothing wrong with an ounce of prevention, just in case. We'd have a serious problem if Treasure got chilled and caught a cold. You know, the Wang family next door, their pet dog Becks caught cold and it cost them over a hundred bucks for a shot. Last time you caught cold a shot was only six bucks…." (p. 26)
8. Picky Dog by @Vegetarian Desert Wolf
A friend gave Bull a dog. Although it was really skinny, just a bag of bones, it was a very picky eater – if you gave it meat it had to be fresh; fish had to be alive; and dumplings had to be warmed up – otherwise it wouldn't eat a bite.
"What kind of a worthless mutt is this?" Bull blew up at his friend on the phone. "Come and take it away right now!"
"Worthless?" his friend laughed. "It's worth thousands. If Mayor Lü hadn't gone bankrupt trying to take care of it, do you think you would ever have gotten the chance?" (p. 29)
9. Purity By @Automatic Ignore
When Li Ming came back from his blind date, he rashly told a friend, "That girl's pretty fine, and pure."
His friend snorted in disbelief. "How can a gold digger be pure? You're dumb!"
Li Ming nodded his head. "Really, she said she'd marry me if I have money and a condo, and she doesn't care about anything else. That's really pure…." (p. 50)
10. A Snail's Pace by @Grass on Everest
Momma Snail got some clothes ready for her daughter. "There's a good girl," she said. "I got a call from Grandma today, and she wants me to bring you over there to meet a young fellow. We'll leave tomorrow."
"But Mama," her daughter said coquettishly, "I'm still young, only one year old!"
"Girl," Momma Snail said, "there aren't any buses to your grandma's now, so we'll have to walk. It's on the other side of a mountain. By the time we get there, you won't be young anymore." (p. 50)
11. Take Him! by @Diligent Revelation
The gold digger went with the matchmaker to the rich man's house to meet him. When she saw the mansion and the fancy car, she prayed to herself, "Oh, God, please let this meeting go well."
When she saw a dashingly handsome young man, she said another incomparably devout prayer, "Oh, God, I'll do anything you want, just please let me marry into this rich family."
She thought the young fellow was the rich man's son, but the matchmaker introduced him, saying, "This is your future grandson."
It hit the woman like a bolt from the blue, and she couldn't help saying another prayer, "Oh, God, please take my husband soon after the wedding!" (p. 47)
12. Touched Up by Delay One
The man and woman followed their parents' orders and went out on a blind date. The young man was a bit introverted, and the young woman a bit anxious and shy, so the two didn't talk at first.
Eventually the woman broke the ice. "You look different than your picture."
The man replied nervously, "The photo was touched up. You're different, too. Your face is much prettier than in the picture."
She blushed redder than a rose. "My face was been touched up, too." (p. 46)
13. A Useful Dog by @No Compromise Bear
"Ma, the dog stinks. Give it a bath, why don'cha."
"Ma, the dog's hungry. Give it something to eat, why don'cha.
"Ma, the dog's in my room. Get it outta here."
"Precious, if you hate the dog so much, why do you keep it? You're just playing with me, right?"
Outside the window, the young girl saw a handsome man pass by with his dog. "Ma," she hollered, "hurry, put the dog's leash on. I wanna take it for a walk!" (p. 29)
Cold Humor in the Workplace
14. Customer: How come your baozi are so small?
Clerk: They were huge right out of the pot.
Customer: So how come they’re small now?
Clerk: Don’t you know that heat expands and cold contracts?
15. The new trainee at a drug store asked the pharmacist, “What was that drug you got out of the small box beside the counter?”
“It’s the drug I use,” the pharmacist said, “when I can’t make out the writing on a prescription.”
16. A driver making a delivery encountered a police inspection along the way. When the policeman asked him to produce his driver license, he handed it over very politely. Shockingly, the policeman snatched it from his hand and threw it to the ground. “An eight-ton truck pulling forty tons,” the policeman shouted. “I want to see your license to drive a train!”
17. A fellow who’d come to the hospital for a tetanus shot asked the doctor, “I got a tetanus shot last month when I stepped on a thumbtack. Today I stepped on a nail. Should I get another shot?”
“[Instead of spending] that money [on shots],” the doctor told him directly, “you’d be better off watching [where you step].”
18. In a certain restaurant, the woman and her hero’s chopsticks had just dipped into their food when the waitress took the dish away. The woman immediately scowled and loudly demanded, “What’s the meaning of this?”
The waitress was upset but didn’t dare let it show. She knew she’d given the couple a dish that had been ordered by another table. She said quietly, “It means I’m embarrassed.”
[In Chinese “I’m embarrassed” (不好意思) is a way of saying “I’m sorry for the inconvenience” – Fannyi]
19. The new driver had recently been discharged from the Army where he’s served in a tank unit. His driving skills weren’t bad. One day when he drove an executive back to their place of business he found only one, very narrow parking space. With a spin of the steering wheel he drove right in, then turned and asked his passenger, “I can really drive, can’t I?”
The executive looked at him. “Not bad,” he sneered. “You’re up to standard. But I can’t open the door. How do I get out?”
The driver looked up and noticed that the car didn’t have a sunroof. “Back in the tank unit,” he said, “we always got out through the top.”
20. One day I noticed that a woman in our company had a bun in the oven. We had a pretty good relationship so I jokingly said, “When the baby comes, let me adopt it!” She only smiled weakly.
The next day I ran into her on the way to work. I was about to say hello when she unexpectedly looked at me with a broad smile, patted her tummy and said, “Look! Your daddy sees you coming!”
Her husband was beside her. If looks could kill….
21. The nurses in a mental hospital were playing “catch the birdie” with their patients in the yard. The hospital administrator was furious when he saw them. “You guys are really asking for it. What are you going to do if the patients should happen to fly away?”
22. I heard our new coworker, Young Liu, loved to sing a bit of Shaanxi opera, so I looked for a chance make friends with him. I asked him why he loved the artistry of the opera. His face reddened and he said, “At home my wife screams at me; at work the bosses scream at me; it’s only when I sing Shaanxi opera that I get a turn to scream at someone.”
23. A psychiatrist wrote prescriptions for three people suffering from nervous breakdowns. For a business executive’s wife he recommended, “Go to the ocean, eat lots of fruit and get some peace and quiet.” For the wife of a teacher he recommended, “Eat lots of fruit and get some peace and quiet.” For the wife of a man who’d lost his job he recommended, “Get some peace and quiet, ma’am, just peace and quiet.”
24. In the morning a male coworker and a female coworker got into an argument. The man was being bombarded with curses by the woman and shot back angrily with, “I can put up with abuse of my body, but don’t subject my spirit to your indignities!”
The room suddenly got quiet. Who could have guessed that the woman would quietly walk over to the man and say, “Pft, are you into masochism?”
25. This morning as I was walking by the front desk I heard a young girl answering the phone. “Sir, you called for someone named Yang? We don’t have anyone named Yang here.”
Then she turned to Director Yang, who was standing beside her. “Director Yang,” she asked, “do we have anyone named Yang here?”
Director Yang thought it over, then turned to the girl and said, “Not to talk about. We really don’t have anyone named Yang here.”
26. Customer: The steak in this place of yours is one of a kind. To my surprise it has inner substance. Downright full of materials.
Waiter: Thank you for your polite words of praise. May I ask for specifics?
Customer: This piece of steak, I really don’t know how you guys made it. Thirty percent raw, twenty percent cooked, and ten percent neither raw nor cooked.
Waiter: Well, what about the other forty percent?
Customer: Yes, that’s what I wanted to ask you. Why is my steak is so small. What happened to the other forty percent?
27. Business hasn’t been good at my cousin’s job recently. They’ve laid off people twice in six months and are down to thirty employees. A few days ago at my place, he told me disconsolately, “The layoff indicators are for another fifteen percent drop. I sure as shooting won’t get out of it.”
It turned out that a miracle happened and he didn’t get laid off after all. I gave him my analysis: “You’ve only been with the company a little over half a year. There’s no way you can match the older employees in either technical skills or personal connections, but even though they’ve cut back almost fifty percent you’re still safe. I guess you’re doing a great job and have a promising future there!
“At first I was really happy about that, too,” my cousin said with a bitter smile. “Then I learned it was because my salary is low. The order of these layoffs has been that the higher paid people go first.”
Recommended by Moonbird Moon
Good Little Rabbit
28. Rabbit wanted to divorce his wife Ginger. The judge asked him, “Please describe your grounds for divorce.”
“She looks askance at me!” Rabbit replied.
“Well, didn’t you notice that before you got married?”
“Yes, but at the time I thought she was flirting with me.”
29. The animals were waiting in a long line to buy booze. Rabbit walked straight to the front of the line and crowded in. Fox picked him up by the ears and demanded, “You think you can cut in front of a fox, Rabbit?”
“Settle down, Fox. Let’s go over there by the corner of the wall and talk it over. Come on!” Rabbit whispered.
Fox followed Rabbit out of the line. Five minutes later, Rabbit came back alone and, once again, went straight to the head of the line.
This time Wolf wouldn’t stand for it and picked Rabbit up by the ears. “What’s wrong with you? You want to get in in front of a wolf?”
“Not so loud, Wolf! Let’s go over by the corner of the wall and talk about it.”
Wolf and Rabbit left together. After a while, a lion’s angry roar came from the corner of the wall. “You cursed rabbit! How come you keep bringing me meat? When in hell are you gonna bring me my booze?”
30. A bunch of animals were sitting in a bus. All of a sudden Rabbit jumped up and shouted, “Who took my bag?”
No one answered. They all watched Rabbit in horror as Rabbit yelled even louder, “Who took my bag? Give it back right now or it’ll be just like yesterday!”
Bear stood up slowly. Trembling, he put a bag down in front of Rabbit. Rabbit glowered at him as he snatched up the bag and sat back down in his seat.
His voice shaking, Bear asked, “What did you do yesterday, Rabbit?”
Rabbit looked up arrogantly and replied “Someone stole my other bag yesterday and I’ve had to make do without it.”
31. Rabbit walked up in front of a lion and said, “Howdy-do, Mr. Lion.”
The lion ignored him, but Rabbit refused to leave and kept pestering the lion. There was nothing the lion could do so he eventually spoke up, “What the devil do you want?”
“I want to ask you a favor, Mr. Lion, sir. Tomorrow when I walk by here, could you please say hello to me.” The lion agreed.
The next day, when Rabbit walked out from the woods with his girlfriend, the lion said: “Hello, Rabbit!”
“Go to Hell!” Rabbit said with a look of disdain as he took hold of his girlfriend.
32. Bear caught a wolf in the forest. “Get this straight,” he said. I’ve already written it down on my schedule: ‘Caught one wolf, hay-colored.’ You will come back here today at noon and be my lunch. You got that?”
The wolf ran off with its tail between its legs.
Continuing to walk forward, Bear soon caught a fox. “Get this straight,” he said. I’ve already written this down: ‘Caught one fox, fiery red.’ You will come back here this evening and be my dinner. You got that?”
The fox staggered hopelessly off.
Bear continued forward and soon caught Rabbit. . “Get this straight,” he said. I’ve already written this down: ‘Caught one rabbit, ash-colored, long ears.’ You will come back here tomorrow morning and be my breakfast. You got that?”
“Well, hurry up, out with it.”
“Is it OK if I don’t come back?”
“Sure. I’ll go ahead and erase you from my schedule.”
33. The blackberries on the left bank of the river were ripe, and Bear was enjoying them to the fullest. There was no wild fruit whatsoever on the right bank where Rabbit was, however.
Rabbit stood there listening to his stomach growl as he watched Bear eating his fill. He was green with envy. Suddenly he screamed at the top of his lungs, “Bear, swim over here, pronto!”
Hearing such an urgent cry, and not knowing what was happening, Bear jumped into the water right away and swam to the other side. “What’s wrong, Rabbit?” he asked breathlessly as soon as he climbed on shore.
Rabbit smiled and pointed to the left bank. “I wanted you to see the beautiful view of the ripe blackberries over there.”
34. Rabbit and bear were riding on a bus together. As usual, Rabbit had not paid his fare. Suddenly the conductor came along to check tickets. Panicking, Rabbit told Bear, “Quick! Hide me! I’m small enough to fit under your shirt.”
So Bear stuffed Rabbit under his shirt. “Ticket, please,” the conductor said when he got to Bear’s seat.
“Here you go,” Bear said as he handed over his ticket.
“What do you have under your shirt?” the conductor asked.
When he heard that, Bear started beating on his chest with his paws. Then he reached under his shirt, took Rabbit out and said, “This is a photo of my friend.”
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8. Picky Dog
10. Snail's Pace, A
11. Take Him!
New Wave (Page 1)
Jokes 1-13 from Stories Magazine 2012 New Wave Mini-Story Contest
故会事•新浪微故事大赛, 上海锦绣文章出版社 (at page # in parentheses)
Jokes 14-27 from Cold Humor in the Workplace 职场冷幽默
Authorship unattributed, translated from this site, also available here
Jokes 28-34 from Good Little Rabbit 小兔子乖乖
Compiled by Li Dongmei 编辑李冬梅 Translated from this site. Also available here.