Chinese Stories in English
1. Copper
2. Doing Laundry
3. It’s Just That….
4. Long Ears
5. The Same Washcloth
6. Speak Blindly
7. Two-Person Umbrella
8. Want a Loan?
9. What Road?
10. "Wild Child"
21. Aspirations
22. Good Boy
23. Keeping a Dog
24. Love
25. Ma Chao
26. The Method
27. Spot On
28. Still Dreaming
29. Turnaround
Jokes from Readers Magazine, Page 1
读者杂志漫画与幽默 From Cartoons and Humor Dept., Authorship Unattributed
Jokes 1-10 from 2015, Issue 7, http://xiamag.com/18585.html
Jokes 11-19 from 2015, Issue 8, http://xiamag.com/18498.html
Jokes 20-30 from 2015, Issue 9, http://xiamag.com/18419.html
Jokes 31-38 from 2015, Issue 10, http://xiamag.com/18294.html
30. The Twain Meets
31. Blind Date
32. Buying Grapes
33. Ice-Breaker
34. New Trick
35. Not Distracted
36. One Whole Month
37. Played for a Fool
38. Recite from Memory
39. Hamburger
1. Copper 铜
Wife: "Why is the seventh wedding anniversary known as the copper anniversary?"
Husband: "It's Seven Year Itch time, when the marriage is like a copper ornament. If you take care of it, it'll shine like new; but if you ignore it, it'll turn green."
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2. Doing Laundry 洗衣服
I brought a boy home when I was in junior high. We were watching TV when my mom and dad came home. I got scared and hid the boy in the bathroom.
My mom went to the bathroom and the boy was squatting there washing a blouse. He greeted her quite naturally: "Welcome home, ma'am! I spilled some ink on your daughter today, and the teacher made me come over and wash this for her."
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3. It’s Just That…. 这就是……
My good buddy liked this co-ed. Eventually there came a day when, flowers in hand, and in front of the whole class, he poured his heart out to her.
She asked him, coyly, "Why do you like me?"
"When I first saw you," my buddy said, "a kind of indescribable feeling came over me. Even though you're not all that pretty, and you've got a bit of a temper, and your grades aren't very good, and you're sort of a wallflower at school, in the lower middle of co-eds. I think it's just that…."
"It's just that you're blind!" The girl threw the flowers down, turned around and walked away.
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4. Long Ears 长耳朵
When I was a kid, I saw someone grab a rabbit by the ears and pick it up. "Doesn't that hurt the rabbit?" I asked my mom.
She told me, "The reason rabbits have such long ears is to make it easy for people to pick them up."
Her words made a deep impression on my naive young mind. I really thought that long ears were for people to hold on to. Until one day I saw a mule…. It kicked, and I almost went flying that day.
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5. The Same Washcloth 同一条毛巾
My roommate in the dorm uses the same washcloth to wash both his face and his feet. I really couldn't hold back: "Can't you be a little cleaner? Use one washcloth to take a shower and wash your face if you want, but don't use it to wash your feet, too."
"They're all my own body," my roomie responded directly, "and you want me to make some kind of class distinction."
I couldn't think of anything to say to that.
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6. Speak Blindly, Open-Eyed 睁眼说瞎话
This morning, like a spoiled child, I told my husband, "Look at me! Tell me I'm beautiful!"
"You're really beautiful," he responded, his eyes shut tight.
"Why don't you look at me when you say that?" I demanded
"I can't speak blindly with my eyes open," he said.
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7. Two-Person Umbrella 双人伞
My little brother putzed around in the bathroom for an hour this morning. The reason was he had a date with a co-ed in a while.
As he was about to head out the door, I yelled, "It's going to rain today. Take an umbrella!" I went and found a big, two-person umbrella just for him.
The result was, this "wild child" gave me a dirty look. "Dummy," he said, "no wonder you can't get a girlfriend!" Then he took a small umbrella and left.
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8. Want a Loan? 想借钱是吧
Colleague: "I need to talk to you about something."
Me: "Go ahead."
Colleague: "Things are kind of tight for me at the moment, so I thought…."
Me: "You want to borrow some money, I bet."
Colleague: "Yeah."
Me: "That's easy. Less than ten bucks, I'll do it. More than ten bucks, I'll talk it over with my wife."
Colleague: "But you're not married, are you?"
Me: "That's right. Which is to say, talking it over would be a waste of time."
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9. What Road? 什么路
I'd just found an old gentleman from whom I could ask directions. "Excuse me, sir, may I ask what this road is?"
"Well, young fellow," he said smoothly, "it's concrete."
I was blown away.
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10. "Wild Child" “熊孩子”
I went over to the neighbors' for a visit and their "wild child" was watching Journey to the West. The kid asked me, "Can you call me 'Monkey King', please, sir?"
"What for?" I asked.
"Do it and you'll see," he replied.
So I called him "Monkey King." The brat came back right away with, "Hi, there, Grandpa!"
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11. Can't Sing Any More 不能再唱
The reporter held out her microphone to interview a drunk driver who'd just been caught by the police at a checkpoint near a karaoke. "Sir, why did you drive after drinking?"
The drunk's eyes were blurry from the drink. He pushed the microphone away and said, "Leave me alone, will ya? I couldn't sing another song…."
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12. Died from Anger 气死的
"Shopkeeper, what does this fish sell for?"
"Twelve bucks a pound."
"That's too expensive!"
The shopkeeper pointed to one side. "That one just died. It's eight bucks a pound."
"Oh? What did it die of?"
The shopkeeper gave her a dirty look. "When nobody'd buy it at even such a low price, it died from anger."
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13. Embarrassed Without It 不好意思来
When I got married, one of my good buddies shoved a red envelope into my hand.
"As close as we are," I said, "you didn't have to give me anything." There was a hint of criticism in my voice.
"Custom demands it," he said with a smile. "I'd've been embarrassed to come without a red envelope."
That evening when I opened the red envelope he'd given me, I was surprised to find a two Yuan lottery ticket inside. There was also a slip of paper upon which was written: "Bro', whether you hit or not depends on what kind of person you are."
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14. Experience 经验
"Dear, should I buy this one or that one?"
The husband stood up quietly and handed his wife enough money for both items. "Here you go, Honey," he said. "In my experience, what you're asking really isn't an either-or question."
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15. Fatty’s Embarrassment 胖子的糗事
A fat guy went to get a massage. He tried several masseurs but still wasn't satisfied. Eventually, after searching for a long time, he finally found one he liked.
Fatty: "I've tried a lot of masseurs and you're the most skillful. You must have trained under a master. May I ask where?"
Masseur: "I used to knead dough in a kitchen."
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16. Giving Up a Seat 让座
(1) Auntie Li took a bus. When she got on, someone immediately gave her their seat. She sat down, but then stood up again and gave the seat to a young child.
Another person stood up right away to give her their seat. Without hesitation, she let an old man sit down. Everyone gave her admiring looks, and one after another people stood up to give her a seat.
She said that office workers don't have it easy and allowed a worn-out-looking young man and woman to take seats. Then finally she sat down herself.
In this way, all five members of Auntie Li's family found seats on the bus.
(2) Taking a bus home from work, I had to stand up for half an hour before eventually finding a seat. Just one stop after I sat down, I noticed an old woman had moved over to stand beside me. I really didn't want to, but I started to stand up to give her the seat.
Unexpectedly, she put a hand on my shoulder to keep me from standing. "You young people have to work all day and get really tired," she said. "Let me stand."
I was really moved. Then she continued, "And it'll save you the trouble of going online to brag about your good deed."
(3) On the bus, a three or four-year-old boy was sitting facing me, with his mother beside him. An announcement was broadcast at every stop: "Please give your seat to the elderly, ill, weak or disabled."
The little boy asked his mother, "Mom, what does the 'weak' in 'elderly, ill, weak or disabled' mean?"
The woman thought for a moment, then said, "It means 'weak-minded'."
The boy looked around until his eyes fell on me. When I smiled at him, he stood up and said, "Sir, please sit here."
[For Fannyi's own experiences, click here.]
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17. Loving Mother 亲妈
I told my mom, "I'm going to go on a diet to lose weight."
"That's not good," she said nervously, "cutting back on eating is bad for your health."
I got a warm feeling inside. "I'll be careful," I said.
"It's no good. You're chubby now, and people think it's because you eat a lot. If you go on a diet but stay fat, people will think it's hereditary!"
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18. Not Applied Evenly 没抹均匀
On an outing with Guimi, we got tired and stopped under a tree to rest. Suddenly a bird dropping hit me in the face.
Before I had a chance to react, Guimi had started rubbing it off for me. "You didn't apply your suntan lotion evenly," she said.
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19. The Reason 原因
A son asked his father, "Pop, back then, how did you come to marry Mom?"
"One day I ran into a couple of lovers walking down the street," the father replied. "The girl was pretty, but the guy was short and fat. That really upset me, so I walked up to them and said, 'Pretty lady, be my girlfriend. This guy of yours is so ugly….'"
"I think I'm starting to understand," the son said. "You just have to dare to express yourself honestly and you'll win an opportunity to find love."
The father paused a moment, then continued, "Then the girl hit me. I was injured and she paid me big money in damages. I went back to my hometown and used the money to marry your Mom."
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20. Aqua Impura 水货
Chinese baijiu says: "People who drink me are bold and uninhibited!"
Beer says: "People who drink me are magnanimous!"
Red wine says: "People who drink me are romantic!"
Chinese millet wine says: "People who drink me are softhearted!"
Famous liquor says: "People who drink me have good taste!"
Foreign liquor says: "People who drink me have money!"
Ethyl alcohol says: "Shut up, all of you. If it wasn't for me, you'd all just be adulterated water!"
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21. Aspirations 理想
When I was home for the holidays, Pop asked me, "What are your aspirations?"
I told him, "Money and women." He got mad and slapped me upside the head.
Then he asked me again, "What are your aspirations?"
I answered, "A career and love."
Pop was satisfied and tousled my hair.
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22. Good Boy 好男孩
A boy asked his mother: "What's a girlfriend?"
His mother said: "After you've grown bigger, if you're a good boy, you'll get one!"
The boy: "And if I'm not a good boy?"
His mother: "Then you'll get lots of 'em."
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23. Keeping a Dog 养狗
"Honey, it's OK with me if you want to keep a dog, but every day you give it Yuan to smell – what's going on?"
"Never mind that. You'll know soon enough."
Several days later…..
"Let me go, you guys! I'm gunna make a stew outa that mutt! It sniffed out my private stash!"
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24. Love 爱
In Jay Chou's songs, love is said to be like a tornado. I think that's quite apt. Because lots of people are like me, and go their whole life without ever seeing a tornado.
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25. Ma Chao 马超
While we were eating lunch, one of my colleagues told me about taking an English test when he was in high school. He was surprised that one portion of the test was to say something about Ma Chao [a protagonist in the novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms].
After he left the test hall, he heard some of the other students talking about the questions. He was floored: it turned that the question had been about [the city of Aomen, which in English is called] Macao.
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26. The Method 办法
Q: "How can you win a woman's heart, so that she'll never leave you?"
A: "When someone has made up their mind to leave you, you can't tie them down even if you use iron chains."
Q: "Then what should one do?"
A: "Use gold chains."
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27. Spot On 灵验
Today Guimi told me, "The wishing pond there in the street-side park is really spot-on!"
I was curious and asked her, "Why do you say that?"
"I made a wish there yesterday," she said mysteriously. "I wished that tens of thousands of dollars would appear before me…."
"You mean… your wish came true?"
She nodded. "Yeah. I'd just walked out of the main gate of the park when I saw, right in front of me, an armored car driving by…."
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28. Still Dreaming 还有梦
Gazing out the dorm window, my roomie asked me, "It's really a pain when it's stormy on such a cold day. Are we still going to class?"
"The pain of a little wind and rain is no big deal," I said, "so dry your tears and pluck it up. At least we can still dream of better days."
That got to her. "Right, we can still dream." She put her head back down on the pillow and went back to sleep.
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29. Turnaround 转变
When they gather around the New Year's dinner table, men who at other times are "brick haulers" suddenly morph into statesmen, military strategists, social scientists, economists and leading movie critics; and women morph into leading showbiz critics, high-level lecturers on nutrition and hosts of shock-talk shows.
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30. The Twain Meets 中西结合
I had a thought. Ticket sales for Transformer 4 are so high in China, shouldn't it filmed in accordance with Chinese martial arts traditions from now on?
When Optimus Prime and Megatron have battled to their hearts' content, supernatural beings of the same ilk suddenly appear in the sky. They shout at Megatron, "You evil creature, you'd better show your true form!"
All of a sudden, in a ray of golden light, Megatron transforms into a high-end race car. The supernatural beings open the door and climb in. They roll down the window and shout, "Optimus Prime, hurry! Go save your teacher!" Then they step on the gas and are off in a cloud of dust.
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31. Blind Date 相亲
Man: "I don't have a condo or a car."
Woman: "What're you telling me that for? You think I'm one of those women that only cares about material things?"
The man was quite moved, but remained silent.
Woman: "What's your favorite color?"
Man: "I like red."
Woman: "Oh, I like blue. I'm sorry, but we aren't right for each other. We like different things."
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32. Buying Grapes 买葡萄
I went to buy some grapes today. I asked the storekeeper, "Can I taste these grapes?"
Storekeeper: "No tasting."
Me: "Then how'll I know if they're sweet?"
Storekeeper: "I'll taste one, and you watch the expression on my face.
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33. Ice-Breaker 搭讪
It used to be that whenever a young girl on the street started talking to me on her own initiative, she was either selling insurance or cosmetics.
I encountered a girl on the bus today who had earbuds stuck in her ears. When she saw me looking at her, she asked, "Want to listen together?"
I accepted one of her earbuds with amusement and stuck it in my ear. "Sir," I immediately heard coming through, "have you heard of XX Insurance?…."
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34. New Trick 新花样
Little Wang was chatting with his co-workers when the subject of street fortune tellers came up. He sighed deeply and said, "Fortune tellers these days all have a new trick."
"What new trick?" a co-worker asked.
"I was playing around with my phone while I was walking down the street," Little Wang said, "when a fortune teller called out to me: 'Come over here, young fellow. I see you haven't been getting a very good internet connection recently. Let me find the password for a nearby Wi-Fi network for you.'"
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35. Not Distracted 心无旁骛
Wife: "Did you see that? When that big flirt got on the bus, a whole bunch of men stared at her."
Husband: "A bunch of men? I didn't notice."
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36. One Whole Month 满月
A: My child will be one month old tomorrow. Will you come over to see him?"
B: "No need. Since he was born, I've been looking at [his picture] with our friends for the whole month."
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37. Played for a Fool 冤大头
I was playing the game Do You Know Me? with my girlfriend. There were six questions for each of us to answer about the other.
I went first and got one wrong. She shook her head and said, "You really don't know everything about me."
Then it was her turn, and she got three wrong. She shook her head again and said in a hurt tone of voice, "You keep everything hidden too deep inside you."
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38. Recite from Memory 倒背如流
Nephew: "Hey, Unk, have you seen Journey to the West?"
Uncle: "I grew up watching that movie. I've seen it dozens of times. I can recite the whole story backwards and forwards."
Nephew: "Recite the monk's magic spell for me! He always mutters it too fast and I can never quite get it."
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39. Hamburger 汉堡
On the day Grandma was to return to our hometown [after a visit], I took her out for a hamburger. She took the burger and stuck it in her bag. "I'm not hungry," she said. "I'll save it to eat on the road."
I forced a smile. "It's not good cold. Buy something else to eat on the road."
"That's a darn waste," she said. "The stuff you eat here in the city isn't as good as a boxed lunch from back home."
This year I went back home for a visit. Grandpa took me aside and said with a smile, "That thing you gave Grandma to bring back for me was really good…."
From Woody's Literary Selections 木木文摘
To get Chinese text by return email, send name of story to jimmahler1@yahoo.com
11. Can't Sing Any More
12. Died from Anger
13. Embarrassed Without It
14. Experience
15. Fatty’s Embarrassment
16. Giving Up a Seat
17. Loving Mother
18. Not Applied Evenly
19. The Reason
20. Aqua Impura