Chinese Stories in English
Risqué Jokes, Page 1
A Plethora of the Most Awesome Sexual Jokes in History
Herein we present proof that the juvenile mind is a cross-cultural phenomenon.
Translated from http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_822e94890100ykct.html. The numbering on this page was added and differs from the numbering on the website. The ellipses are in the original.
Some jokes were skipped either because they were previously translated on other pages of this site, or because they are untranslatable puns. We did attempt to translate a few of the puns and added explanatory notes. The notes don't help the humor, of course, but they may prove useful to students of Chinese. As always, we welcome your comments on and corrections to our translations.
1. A certain man and his bride didn’t have a place to live, so they spent their wedding night at the woman’s parents’ home.
The next morning they didn’t come down for breakfast, but the old couple didn’t think anything of it. They didn’t come down for lunch, either, but the old couple figured they were tired from the previous night and still didn’t think anything of it.
When they still didn’t come down at dinner time, the old couple couldn’t sit still. They asked their young son, “Your sister and brother-in-law didn’t have any problems last night, did they?”
“No, no problems,” the son replied. “Oh, right. My brother-in-law asked me for some Vaseline last night, but I’d just used the last of it. I had some super glue I’d been using to build a model, though, so I gave him that.”
2. A female secretary was outstanding at her job. With her boss acting as go-between, she married a capable office worker. On their first night together, the groom said, “Not so loud. It’d be embarrassing if anyone heard us.”
“You sound just like the boss,” she replied.
3. A husband and wife would use “do the laundry” as a code when they wanted to make love. One day, after they’d had a fight and the wife was still miffed, the husband felt the need to **. It wouldn’t have been convenient to ask his wife, though, so he thought it best to have their son take her a message for him.
“Mama, Papa says his clothes are dirty and it’s time to do the laundry.”
“Tell your father not today, the washing machine’s broken.”
A few days later, the wife couldn’t hold back anymore, so she had their son take a message to her husband. “Tell Papa the washing machine’s been repaired, and it’s time to do the laundry.”
“Mama,” the boy replied at once, “Papa explained that you don’t have to, he’s already done the laundry by hand.”
4. A wife hired a painter to paint the bedroom at home. At quitting time, the painter still hadn’t finished the job.
The husband was late getting home. He didn’t know the paint was still wet, and when he turned on the light, he left a handprint on the wall by the light switch.
The next day, when the painter came to continue the job, the wife told him, “Please come into the bedroom. I want to show you where my husband rubbed last night.”
The painter, embarrassed, said, “No, Ma’am, I live my life based on the principles of “purity and self-respect.”
5. [This is a pun which doesn’t translate well to English but, undaunted, Fannyi will give it a try.] A woman reporter went to the countryside to do some interviews. She wanted to understand what people in a poor area were thinking. The village head took her to the home of an old bachelor.
She asked him, “What’s your greatest aspiration in life?”
He replied in the heavy accent of the local dialect, “War shakezpooz.”
The reporter was quite moved. “Even in such an impoverished area,” she thought, “the old man is inspired by the master Will Shakespeare. Who could have imagined?”
The village head translated from the local dialect. “He asked you, ‘What shake’s your pussy?’”
6 A husband was happy as could be after he learned that his wife was finally pregnant. He wanted to tell everyone the good news, so he used his wife’s cell phone to send a group text message: “I’m pregnant!”
After a bit his wife’s mother returned a message: “Isn’t your husband sterile? Have you gotten together with Young Li again?”
A little later his brother-in-law texted: “How do you figure on handling it?”
Then an old classmate replied, “We haven’t seen each other in half a year. You better not lay this off on me.”
A co-worker: “No way! It’s only been two days!”
A supervisor: “I’ll give you ten thousand yuan. Take some time off!”
A customer: “Come on, don’t scare me. I’ll take a trip home tomorrow and we can sign the contract.”
A stranger: “Get a divorce and we’ll raise the child together.”
Another stranger: “Manager Zhao was there that day, too. You can’t say it’s mine, can you?”
Still another stranger: “Don’t play games. I’ve had a vasectomy.”
7. Once when his father was away on business, a little boy had to bathe with his mother! Later the boy told his mother in all seriousness, “Mom, from now on, when you give me a bath, don’t touch my little JJ.”
“Why not?” his mother asked, bewildered.
“You played with yours until it’s gone, and now you want to play with mine! –”
8. A certain woman was widowed in her thirties, but she still had fairly high hopes, so she placed a singles ad with the following criteria: 1) No beating me; 2) No walking out on me; 3) Must be capable.”
The next day her doorbell rang. When she opened the door, she discovered a man with no arms or legs in a wheelchair. She thought, “No arms, so he can’t beat me; no legs, so he won’t walk out on me; but what about his ability?” So she asked, “What are you good at?”
The man raised his head proudly and asked her, “What do you think I rang the doorbell with?”
9. Two women were grumbling about how miserable they were because it had been so crowded on the bus that day. One said, “Just my rotten luck! I was pregnant when I got on the bus, but it was so crowded I lost my baby!”
The other said, “I’m the one with the rotten luck! It was so crowded I got pregnant!”
10. A certain fellow was visiting a whorehouse. He asked the woman how much, and she said fifty yuan. The man thought that was cheap, so he did her. Then she told him to pay a hundred yuan, and he asked why. She told him the entry fee was fifty, and the exit fee was another fifty.
He said, “You’re just like my cell phone provider, China Mobile, charging me for both incoming and outgoing calls!”
11. The Beijing-Kowloon Railway had just opened, and some farmers who lived along the line stood by the tracks to watch the high-speed trains. A woman passenger on the train was having her period and, after she changed her rag, she threw the old one out the window. It hit one of the farmers in the face and stuck there.
The farmer peeled it off and looked at it. “Oh, that baby’s fast!” he said. “A rag flying off it can give me a bloody nose!”
12. It’s night. A husband is laying in bed reading a book. At some point he puts his hand between his wife’s thighs. She takes off her nightie and acts coquettishly. He asks what she’s doing. She asks what his hand was doing.
He replies in all seriousness. “Moistening my fingers. So I could turn the page.”
13. One day a Buddhist monk met a nun and came up with a couplet of the type people paste on either side of their doors, with a connecting line above the door: First line: “Days it has no reason to hang.” Second line: “At night it hangs for no reason.” Connector: “It has nothing to do.” ["Hanger" is a euphemism for "penis".]
The nun responded with a couplet of her own. First line: “Days it’s an empty basket.” Second line, “At night the basket is empty.” Connector: “It awaits one with the balls.”
15. A man took his son to give him a bath. The floor was slick and, when the boy started to slip, he grabbed onto his father’s penis and didn’t fall.
“You’re damn lucky you came here with me!” the man cursed. “If you’d come with your mom, you’d’ve fallen and killed yourself!”
16. A student who’d been in school in the United States came home to visit his family. He boasted that factories in the States were so technologically advanced that they’d put a live pig in one end and sausages would come out the other.
The boasting about a foreign country made his father mad. “Your mother and I did better than that,” he said. “I put in a sausage and we got out a live pig!”
17. A pair of twins were chatting while they were still inside their mother’s tummy. “The old man’s all right,” the elder one said. “He keeps sticking his head in to check on us. He doesn’t care much about hygiene, though. He always hacks up a loogie and then leaves.”
“The next door neighbor is better,” said the younger one. “He spits in a bag and takes it with him when he leaves.”
18. A certain man hadn’t made love to his wife in a long time, and she was upset about it. One day he asked her to strip naked and do a handstand in front of the mirror, and she happily did as he asked. He then spread her thighs apart and put his jaw on her vagina. “Do I look handsome with a beard?” he asked.
19. A condom said to a maxi-pad, “You really do a number on me. When you come on the job, I go out of business for a week.”
This made the maxi-pad angry. “Don’t pretend you don’t know, you bastard. If you screw up your damn job even the least little bit, my business dries up for ten months.”
20. [Eagles are called “old raptors” in Chinese, and owls are called “cat-head raptors”.]
The emcee asked, “Can cats climb trees?”
The eagle hurried to reply, “Yes!”
The emcee asked, “Give us an example.”
Tears in her eyes, the eagle said, “That year I was sound asleep and a cat climbed up the tree…. Later I had a clutch of owls.”
22. A well-to-do man in his seventies and a young woman ****. The man got overly excited and passed away after ejaculating. His family refused to accept that the death was accidental and took the young woman to court.
The judge asked the Medical Examiner to do an autopsy to determine the cause of death. The Examiner issued this report after the autopsy: “He died comfortably.”
23. Two dung beetles were discussing the welfare lottery. Beetle A said, “When I win the grand prize, I’m going to buy a 50-square-li toilet and eat my fill every day.”
Beetle B replied, “You bastard, you’re just a country bumpkin. If I hit the big one, I’ll buy a live human and eat fresh every day!”
24. A bachelor got married. The morning after, the bride emerged with some difficulty, supporting herself against the wall. “Fraud!” she cursed. “When he said he’d been saving it up for thirty years, I thought he was talking about money!!”
25. [“High tide” is a euphemism for orgasm in Chinese.] An old man caught a bus to High Tide Village to take care of some business. On the way he asked the woman attendant, “Have we arrived at High Tide, yet?”
“Not yet,” she replied.
A bit later he asked again, “Have we arrived at High Tide, yet?”
The attendant said, “What’s your hurry, old man? I’ll let you know when I get there.”
26. A young miss ordered quick-fried pig penis for dinner. When she picked a piece up with her chopsticks, she dropped it and it fell between her legs. “This baby’s really awesome,” she exclaimed. “Even after it’s been minced, it still knows the way!”
27. A young man on a bus saw a beautiful woman with the top buttons of her blouse undone, revealing a very enticing cleavage. “A place where the peach blossoms bloom,” he said to tease her.
She lifted her skirt. “As well as a place that can produce the likes of you.”
28. A young boy slept with his mother every night. She asked him, “Will you still sleep with me after you grow up and get married?”
“Yeah.”
“What about your wife?”
“Let her sleep with Daddy.”
His father heard him and said excitedly, “Out of the mouths of babes!”
29. A rooster had been away on business for a month. After he got home he heard that a quail had been frequenting his roost with no apparent reason. He was suspicious.
Two days later the hen laid a quail egg and the rooster was furious. The hen explained nervously, “It’s just premature!”
30. A crude woman called the police: “I’m disgraced. Last night I got ****.”
The officer asked what the man looked like. “I didn’t get a good look,” she answered, “but he was certainly an amateur, because he hunted around for a long time but couldn’t find the spot, so I ended up having to use my hand to help him in.”
31. A young girl was on her way home late one night when she encountered seven thugs. At the critical moment a middle-aged woman bravely stepped forward and saved the girl, but ended up getting raped herself. She was interviewed for television and said, “At the time I wasn’t actually thinking anything. I just don’t like to let these lascivious young girls hoard such a good thing all for themselves!”
32. The mayor of a poor village described the situation in his town: [The following poem rhymes in Chinese.]
“Basically: for food we depend on the Party, for clothing we depend on spinning cotton, for money we depend on our guns, and for wives we depend on our thoughts;
“For communications we depend on shouting, for transportation we depend on our feet, for security we depend on dogs, and for a sex life we depend on our hands!”
33. A butcher was caught consorting with prostitutes. He was fined 4,000 yuan and given a receipt.
One day his wife found the receipt. She only recognized the characters for “4,000 yuan” and didn’t recognize the words “consorting with prostitutes.” She asked the butcher and he explained, “It was a fine for adulterating meat. I injected liquid into it.”
34. A gentleman was drunk and accidentally went into the women’s room to throw up. A woman happened to be there urinating. The man heard her and got mad. “I said I wasn’t going to drink any more. Why are you pouring more booze?”
The woman heard him and stopped immediately, but couldn’t keep from letting a fart slip out. The man heard it and got even madder. “Who opened another God damn bottle?”
35. A bad guy busted into a residence to **** a woman. She resisted, vowing to die first. Her husband came back from working in the fields and saw her being held down by the bad guy. He grabbed a shovel and started beating the guy on the butt, until he heard his wife shout angrily, “Damn you, I resisted all this time, then you pound him into me with your shovel!”
36. The Unit Chief ended up issuing a memo: “The reasons we’re doing a lousy job are, first, we’re like a widow in bed, no one on top; second, we’re like a hooker, always someone new on top; and third, we’re like sleeping with our wives, always the same old thing.
37. I was captured on September 28, 1949. The first day the enemy beat me savagely but I didn’t turn traitor. The second day they sprinkled pepper spray on me but I still didn’t turn traitor. The third day they used a beautiful woman to entice me to change sides. The fourth day I was still thinking about changing sides when we were fucking liberated.
38. A Japanese woman was bathing in a sauna and decided to have a vigorous Chinese man give her a rubdown. The man rubbed and rubbed until suddenly he became aroused and stuck his member into her private place.
The woman was angry and demanded, “What kind of a job are you doing?”
He replied, “An inside rubdown!”
39. In the evening, an idiot was strolling in the park and saw lovers ****. He enjoyed watching.
The next day he saw a man doing push-ups and watched closely. The man got mad: “What’re you looking at, you dumb cunt?”
The idiot said, “You’re the dumb cunt. The person under you is already gone but you keep at it!”
40. A man came home from work and found his son was wearing a condom on his head. He was quick to lecture the boy, who felt wronged and said, “We’re putting on a play in school tomorrow. Some of us will play good guys and some of us will be bad guys. I asked the teacher what part I’d be playing and was told I’d be a hanger.” [A suspension crane can be called a “hanger”, which is also a euphemism for “penis”.]
41. Two teachers in the History Department got married. It was the second marriage for both. On their wedding night, the wife wanted to play a word game: She would say the first line of a couplet, and she wanted her husband to come up with the second line.
“In the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor,” she began, “the beautiful woman was surprised.” [“Be surprised” is a homophone for “get the sperm”.]
Her husband responded, “The second big war. Two A-bombs fall, two nations capitulate.”
42. A flea was complaining to his buddy about his bad luck: "I'd always lived in a man's beard, but something happened and I ended up in the hair on a woman's genitals. Then, when I woke up the next day, I found myself back in that man's beard!"
43. Ah, life…. Life is like being in a storm – you either fight it or just enjoy it. Work is like going to a hooker – if you can't do it someone else will climb on. Society is like **** – you've got to depend on your own two hands for everything!
44. A young girl went to Mongol City Restaurant as a guest. Bull penis was one of the dishes served. "This tastes good," she said, then asked "What is it?"
Solid Feng said, "Cow Herd's got one on his body."
Cow Herd said, "Solid Feng's got one, too."
The young miss asked, "Does my body have one?"
The two men answered together, "Sometimes!"
45. The idiot had been married for half a year and his wife still wasn't with child. His father asked him if he's "done his business", but the idiot didn't understand. His father explained, "Put the hardest part of your body where your wife pees."
Next day the idiot's wife told his father, "Your son's gone crazy! He spent all last night banging his head against the toilet!"
46. A young woman had to pee really bad and relieved herself by the side of the road. She didn’t have any paper so she used a leaf to wipe. The leaf had barbs which really hurt her private parts. Unhappy, the woman said, “I eat meat all the time! How’ll you like it if I go back to eating veggies?”
47. The village chief came home one night half drunk and lay down in the pigsty by mistake. The sow oinked several times and the chief said, “If you don’t want to turn over, so be it. No need to be so coy about it.” He stuck out his hand and started to rub the sow’s teats. “Fuck,” he jokingly cursed. “you bought another low quality leather top, one with two rows of buttons!”
48. An old man was riding on a train. At night in his sleep, he made the mistake of putting his foot between the legs of the young woman across from him.
Several days later, his foot was itching uncomfortably so he went to see a doctor, who diagnosed it as syphilis. The old man said over and over, “That can’t be!”
“You think that’s a big deal?” the doctor said. “Yesterday I treated a case of athlete’s pussy!”
50. They say a pair of young lovers was meeting in secret. When the boy got inside he just lay there and whispered, “We’re connected now!” The girl wasn’t too happy. When the boy started to move in deeper, the girl shouted, “Being mobile is better than being connected!” [China Connection and China Mobile are the major cell phone service providers in the country.]
51. Eight big signs of cluelessness: The boss gives a toast but you don’t drink; The boss has a girlfriend but you feel her up; The boss walks but you ride; The boss is talking but you ramble on and on; The boss has personal matters, but you blab about them; The boss wants to use the bathroom but you go in first; The boss reaches for a dish but you turn the lazy susan; The boss needs one card to win at mahjong but you grab it first.
52. A young girl lived with her blind mother. One day the girl and her lover were in an interior room ****ing, and the groans of pleasure woke the mother up. She asked what was going on, and the girl said it was heatstroke.
When the mother came in to investigate, the lover got off the girl and stood up right away. He leaned against the wall, afraid to move. The mother reached out to feel the girl’s forehead, but by mistake grabbed the lover’s ****.
“The weather sure is hot,” she said in surprise. “Even the pegs in the wall are sweating!”
53. A husband and wife lived with their young son. Late one night they were **** when they suddenly noticed the boy was gone. The looked around in a frenzy and eventually found him squatting outside the door, hugging his knees.
“Come back in,” the man said.” “It’s windy outdoors.”
“Don’t lie,” the little boy said. “It’s even stormier under the covers.”
54. A man who'd been drinking got up to go to the toilet. When he came back he told his buddies, "Business is really good in this restaurant. They've even had to set up two tables in the bathroom!" He continued to drink.
Right then a group of people rushed into the room, grabbed the man and started beating him. The man's friends immediately asked why, and they said, "This punk came into our private room and pissed all over the place!"
55. A man took off his shirt to show his girlfriend his biceps. "These are the equivalent of fifty kilos of explosives," he said.
Then he took off his pants and, pointing at his thighs, said, "And these are the equivalent of a hundred kilos of explosives."
When he took off his underpants, the girl pushed open the door and ran away, screaming "My God, such a short fuse!"
56. A man on a bus bumped up against a woman's body. She got mad and said, "You've got three legs and you still can't keep steady!"
"Forget it," he said, waving his hand, "forget it. I don't want to argue with you. Anyhow, you've got mouths every which way."
57. A man came home and found his wife in bed with the doctor. "Don't get it wrong," the doctor said, "I'm just taking her temperature."
The husband replied, "If that thing you stuck in my wife doesn't have scale markings on it, you've had it."
58. A man was going through a cemetery late one night when he heard the sound of pounding. The more he listened the more frightened he got.
Finally he saw a man carving a gravestone. He let out his breath and said to the guy, "You almost scared me to death! What're you doing?"
"I'm redoing this headstone", the man answered. "They carved my name wrong."
59. A woman soldier dressed in men's clothing. One day at the front her period started and there was blood on the ground under her. The company commander asked her, "Where are you hurt?"
"No, I'm not hurt," she said.
The commander quickly pulled down her pants. "Your **** gets blown off and you say you're not hurt?"
60. An AIDS sufferer wrote a couplet on his deathbed: "Born from ****, dying from ****, been looking for **** all my life; Got **** screwed, got **** fooled, and ended up dying on **** – Too **** bad.
61. An ant and an elephant got married, but the elephant died not too many days later. The ant was inconsolable. He cried, but he also cursed her. "My dear, why did you die before me? I'll never do another woman the rest of my fucking life. It'll take me that long to bury you."
62. The Tang monk Xuanzang met a witch on his journey to the West in search of scriptures. Seeing her full breasts and ample rear, he wanted to do the deed with her. She knew what he wanted and exclaimed, "Honorable Brother, it's this woman's time of the month to read scriptures [i.e., her period] and she's afraid that doing it wouldn't be convenient!"
He clapped his hands and said, "Praise Buddha, getting scriptures is precisely why I came here!"
63. A camel and an elephant met on the road. The elephant was curious and asked, "Wow! How come your tits are growing on your back? That's really weird!"
The camel was miffed and said, "Stay away, scumbag. I don't talk to creatures that have their prick growing out of their face."
64. A director and his driver went to see a performance. When the got to the door, security let the director enter but stopped the driver. "We're part of the same organization," the driver said indignantly. "Let me in!"
The security guard still wouldn't let him in. "Cocks and balls are part of the same organization, too," he said smugly, "but the cock gets in and the balls don't."
The driver couldn't say anything to that.
66. I was multi-tasking in the office while I was putting on my lipstick. I didn't have a good hold of it and accidently dropped it. I happened to have on a pair of loose-fitting jumpers that day and the lipstick fell inside them. Then the boss suddenly pushed open the door and came in. He was surprised to see me pulling a long, rough, very suspicious-looking rod out from under my jumpers.
67. I was with my former boyfriend for a year and a half and he never said he loved me. Today I inadvertently pulled up his QQ page and saw he'd left a post for Yico Zeng, the famous singer, saying he loved her!
68. I took the subway to work this morning. Lots of people, especially crowded. I was standing next to this girl, a real cutie, who was sending a text. I happened to see that she'd written, "Lots of people in the car, really crowded." A moment later I thought of something and giggled to myself. Then I happened to see the girl had added to her text, "SB standing next to me."
[The Roman letters 'SB' in Chinese web-speak can mean anything from 'hot guy' to 'dumb prick'. See here. None of the possibilities makes for a very good joke.]
69. I went to the bank to make a deposit at lunch. When I got in line a beautiful woman came up behind me. "Are you making a deposit," she asked.
"Yeah."
"That's convenient! I'm here to make a withdrawal, and you're making a deposit. If you just give your money to me, neither one of us will have to wait in line."
I thought about it, and it sounded reasonable, so I gave her my money.
70. ['Pretty woman' is a polite form of address for a woman you don't know. See here.] A woman brought her five-year-old son to work. The little imp was a real talker. He kept yelling, "Pretty woman! Pretty woman!"
I asked him, "Which pretty woman are you talking to?"
"My mama."
"Is your mama pretty?" I teased.
"My mama's a pretty woman with white skin and very pretty. Her thighs are really white…." And an earth-shaking statement immediately followed: "Mama, take your pants off and give this man a look. He doesn't believe me!"
I was overcome by tears of laughter, as were my pretty women coworkers….
71. I remember when I’d just reported in to college. There was a guy named C assigned to our dorm room who came in the back door, that is, he had contacts that let him work the system…. He didn’t report in until after the compulsory military training was over.
We got a “welcoming party” ready for him. Everybody ran out and bought some stickers to put on their bodies – the kind that look like tattoos. Then we lit a ton of cigarettes and smoked up the dorm room until it stank. Everyone had a cigarette dangling from their mouths, even the ones who’d never smoked in their lives before then.
C stopped dead in his tracks when he came into the room. He was really straight.
Right then A, who was shaking like a leaf, got out a piece of tin foil he’d fixed up a while before. There was some powdered milk sprinkled on it…. He used a lighter to heat it up from underneath, then very politely held it up in front of C and offered, “Have a hit, bro’.”
Ha, ha! C was so scared he almost pissed his pants….
72. I was buying tickets a couple of days ago when someone cut in line. I gave him a dirty look. Would you believe, when I left the guy came out behind me and started cussing. I didn’t want to look weak, so I got in his face and cussed him right back. After I was all cussed out, I noticed he was wearing a Bluetooth earpiece. Damn! The guy’d been making a phone call….
73. My aunt’s kid is just a little tyke, but she gives free rein to his curiosity, and the kid’s really smart! She said, “Come on, read what you’ve been studying to Big Brother. Let’s see if you’ve learned it well.”
In his squeaky voice, the boy started to read. “”What is… human life?...”
I was really surprised. “How old is this kid,” I thought, “and he’s already started to think about such profound questions! Heh, heh, heh, he’s been taught….”
The boy continued to read. “Human life – is a kind of Chinese herbal medicine….” [ ‘Human life’ and ‘ginseng’ are homophones in Chinese.]
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