​​         Chinese Stories in English   

1. Foot in Mouth Disease
2. Give Us a Break
3. He Forgives You
4. Pay Attention
5. Robot, The

14. Scraping Fish Scales
15. Selfish Man, A
16. Smart Baby
17. Such a Countdown
18. Unsurpassed Swindle

Jokes from 故事会 Stories Magazine, Page 1
Jokes 1 to 9 from September 2012, 1st Semimonthly Issue, pp. 4-7 (9 月, 上半月, 第4-7页)
Sources of numbers 10 to 18 as noted below

6. Subtly Asked
7. Talented Cabby
8. Why Not Steal It All?
9. Woman’s Nature

10. Dangers of Buying
11. Lesson, The
12. Logical Inference
13. Looking for Gramps

1. Foot in Mouth Disease
By Lotta Fish
          One day Mrs. Wei’er said to her husband: “I’m going to pay a condolence call on the lady next door. Last night her husband committed suicide by hanging himself from their loft.”
           Her husband was against the idea: “I think you’d better forget it. Don’t you know how you’re always saying the wrong thing?” But Mrs. Wei’er said she’d be careful about what she said and did.
           When she got to the neighbor’s Mrs. Wei’er did indeed choose her words very cautiously. After a while, looking for something to talk about, she ventured a comment: “It’s been raining a lot lately.” The neighbor sighed: “There’s nothing for it. It’s been a week since I’ve been able to put my laundry out to dry.”
           Without thinking Mrs. Wei’er said: “Oh, come on, I’m sure it’s not that difficult for you. You’ve got such a nice loft, you could hang anything from there.”
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2. Give Us a Break
by Hear the News
     A man and a woman were in a restaurant talking about marriage. The woman was angry and said: “Are you going to marry me, or not? If you aren’t, I’ll look around this restaurant and find someone else to marry!” The man got a helpless look on his face and didn’t say a word. 
      The waiter came over and said to the woman: “Miss, please give our restaurant a break, okay?”
      The woman didn’t understand, so the waiter explained: “When our other customers heard what you just said, they all got scared and ran out….”
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3. He Forgives You
by Like Summer
     A fellow walking down the street wasn’t paying attention and stepped on a dog’s tail. The dog yelped and jumped right up. The pedestrian was startled and instinctively said: “Forgive me.” As soon as he said it he felt like it didn’t sound right, then for some reason the English word “sorry” popped out of his mouth.
      The dog’s owner was standing nearby and said: “He doesn’t understand what you just said, but that’s OK. He didn’t bite, so he must have forgiven you.”
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4. Pay Attention to the Particulars
by Right Reliance
           On the eve of Grave Sweeping Day, a fellow went to buy some offerings [paper depictions of food, consumer goods, money, etc., which will be burned to send them into the spirit world where they can be used as real objects by the dead]. To his surprise he saw a paper representation of the latest model Apple cell phone. He asked the store’s owner: “If I burned an Apple cell phone for Grave Sweeping Day, I’d be afraid that my ancestors wouldn’t know how to use it, you know?” The owner gave him a wink and said, “Jobs has already crossed. He’ll teach them, so what do you have to worry about?”
          When the fellow bought one, the owner warned him: “You’d better buy a battery charger, too. You can’t forget to burn the charger. It wouldn’t be good if your ancestors had to come looking for you to get one. Or maybe, having them come looking for you wouldn’t be a big deal, but if they want you to bring one over to them, then you’ll really be in trouble….”
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5. The Robot
by Peach’s Handsomeness
      A college student was hitting the books late one night when the lights went out in his dorm. He went to McDonald’s and studied there until the battery in his laptop went dead. He couldn’t find an outlet to charge the battery in McDonald’s, so he went to a nearby KFC. It was already three in the morning when he went in the door and asked the clerk: “Do you have an electric outlet?” The clerk replied, “No, sir. May I take your order?”
      “Ah, forget it,” the student answered resignedly. “No food, I just needed to recharge my battery.” The clerk was quite disconcerted.
      As he turned to go out the door, the student heard the clerk say behind him: “Jeez, are robots these days phat, or what?”
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6. Subtly Asked
by Don’t Hover over Tall Buildings Again
      A young woman had a blind date with a prospective husband. As she was going out the door, her mother admonished her to be sure to find out about the man’s circumstances, such as whether he owned a home and a car.
      When they met, the young couple hit it off right away. After they had been chatting for a while, the girl remembered what her mother had said. She hemmed and hawed for a bit, then blushed and asked in a low voice: “What are the monthly parking fees at your condo?”
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7. Talented Cabby
by Ren Shui
           A young fellow named Zhang was sent to Beijing on business. He’d heard that the taxi drivers there are all talented and witty conversationalists, so when he caught a cab at the airport, he tried to think of a difficult problem to test the cabby. He asked the guy what he thought about the Chinese soccer team. The cabby thought for a minute, then said, “Get fifteen convicts in their twenties off death row. Let ‘em spend four years learning the game, then let ‘em play in the World Cup. If they play well, they get out of jail, and if they don’t, put ‘em to death. No doubt about it, the Chinese national team will be outa sight!”
           Zhang was very impressed and asked another question. “Well, the current divorce rates are so high, how can we solve that problem?” The cabby chomped down on his cigarette and barked, “A Marriage Law that would really stop divorce is: If you get a divorce, the State gets your house.”
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8. Why Not Steal It All?
Wang Wenhua
          A burglar was caught red-handed and arrested. During interrogation he was asked: “On the 18th of this month, how much money did you take from the safe?” 
          The burglar said: “There was 17,000 Yuan in the safe, but I only took 16,888.”
          The interrogator thought that was strange and asked: “Why didn’t you take it all?”
          The burglar answered: “This was my first burglary, so I left a little for good luck….”
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9. Woman’s Nature
by Big Bear Heh
      A young boy was trying to hook up with a coed at his school. He sent her innumerable text messages but she never responded. When his older cousin found out what was going on he said: “Women are inquisitive by nature. You think you’re going to get a girl interested the way you’ve been going about it? Watch your cuz!”
      The older boy used his young cousin’s phone to text the coed: “You’re the third prettiest girl at school, but I only like you.”
      A half minute later the coed texted a reply: “Who’re the other two? Why do you only like me?”
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10. The Dangers of Buying Online
By Yu Yin
          A boss asked his secretary to help him buy something online, and when the purchase was delivered to his home very quickly, he couldn’t stop raving about e-tail’s speed and convenience. The secretary, on the other hand, said, “No, online purchases are risky. You don’t know it, but I bought a dress online the same day we made your purchase, and I still haven’t got it.”
          She still hadn’t received the dress two days later, so she called the retailer. She learned that she had put the wrong address down on her order, and now the dress was being sent by express delivery to her boss’s house.
          The next day the secretary braced herself to go ask the boss whether he’d received her dress.
          The boss didn’t answer right away. “Buying online really is risky,” he said after a moment. “I spent a whole afternoon making explanations to my wife because of that dress.”


故事会, 2012, 9 月, 下半月, 第6页, September 2012, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 6
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11. The Lesson
by Zhao Cheng
          The wife had a pet Tibetan mastiff. Once she got in a fight with her husband, and the mastiff rushed over and bit him.
          Afterwards she asked her husband, "When a married couple gets in a fight, it really shouldn't get all bloody. What did you learn from this?"
          The husband paused a moment. "Next time I get in a fight with you," he said, "I need to tie up the mastiff, first."


故事会, 2012, 10 月, 下半月, 第7页, October 2012, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 7
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12. Logical Inference
by Zhang Zhengming
          A science and engineering student went to his girlfriend's house to meet her parents. As soon as he walked in the door it started to rain heavily outside. The mother grumbled that the father had gone out to buy groceries without taking his umbrella. Right away, the student picked up an umbrella and ran out the door. His girlfriend went with him.
          The student stopped her. "It's raining so hard, I'll go get him by myself."
          "You've never met my Dad, so how'll you recognize him?" his girlfriend asked.
          The student thought it over for a moment, then said, "No problem. I can deduce your dad's features from what you look like and what your mom looks like."


故事会, 2012, 10 月, 下半月, 第6页, October 2012, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 6
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13. Looking for Gramps
By Zhang Quan
          A man went to pay his respects at his grandfather’s grave on Grave Sweeping Day. He turned pale with shock when he arrived at the cemetery. It seemed the place had doubled in size. There were densely packed graves all over the place.
          Although the man walked around the cemetery grounds twice, he couldn’t find his grandfather’s grave. At last, all he could do was light some incense by the side of the road and spread his gifts of fruit and cakes out on the ground. With a distracted look he said, in a voice filled with regret, “Grandpa, I have to ask you to come over here to eat. Now it’s easier for you to find me than for me to find you.”


故事会, 2012, 9 月, 下半月, 第7页, September 2012, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 7
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14. Scraping Fish Scales
By Jade Li
          Mom bought a live fish and brought it home for dinner. As she was scraping the scales off the fish she suddenly cried out in pain, “Ow!” She had scraped her own hand with the knife.
          So Dad took over scraping the fish scales. After a bit their daughter heard a yelp coming from the kitchen, “Ah!” She came running in to see what had happened. Dad had scrapped his hand, too. So she pulled up her sleeves and got ready to take over cleaning the fish.
          Dad grimaced in pain. “Wait a sec,” he said as he pressed on his wound. “Don’t do that. Leave a pair of hands intact to do the dishes.”


故事会, 2012, 9 月, 下半月, 第5页, September 2012, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 5
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15. A Selfish Man
by Zhao Xiaoxi
          A middle-aged lady had just gotten into town and was looking all over for a job. Eventually she noticed that there were help-wanted flyers posted on telephone poles, so every time she passed by one, she would go up to it for a close look. One day she saw a man standing in front of a pole in the corner of a wall. She figured there was some useful information posted there, so she hurried over.
          The man heard footsteps approaching and moved closer to the telephone pole, blocking it from view.
          The woman kept coming, muttering, "Big man, how come you're so selfish? Let's have a look, now!"
          The man heard her and whined, "Look at what? You never seen anyone takin' a piss?"


故事会, 2013, 5 月, 下半月, 第92页, May 2013, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 4
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16. Smart Baby
by Li Fangda
          A pregnant woman was very near her time. The baby had been kicking and pushing inside her and she hadn't been sleeping well. That night she was once again tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep.
          Her husband, in bed beside her, opened his eyes wide and asked her what was wrong.
          "Your son won't go to sleep," she exclaimed.
          Her husband thought for a moment and said, "He knows he's about to come out, and he's in there packing his bags…."


故事会, 2013, 5 月, 下半月, 第92页, May 2013, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 4
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17. Such a Countdown
by West Bank
          An elderly husband and wife were at a public bus stop waiting for the bus. They waited and waited, but the bus didn't come. The old man was craving a cigarette, so he lit one up. He had just taken one puff when – the bus was coming!
          The old woman, standing off to the side, started to complain: "You should've held off! The bus is almost here! You've wasted that cigarette!"
          The old man felt the pressure. This was a Great China cigarette, one of the most expensive brands. They go for two bucks [≈$0.34] per cigarette. It wouldn't be right to waste it, so he started puffing away, "pff, pff", trying to finish it before the bus arrived.
          The old woman looked at him, and at the bus, and cheered him on: "You've got a buck-eighty left, now a buck-fifty, now a buck…."


故事会, 2013, 5 月, 下半月, 第92页, May 2013, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 5
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18. An Unsurpassed Swindler
by Yu Juan
          The young fellow on the motorcycle was a "black mount" (operator of an illegal motorbike taxi service). One day as he was carrying a woman en route, he turned a corner and saw a traffic cop just ahead. He was afraid to keep going because he knew that the fines levied by the police on black mounts carrying passengers are very heavy, so he told the woman to get off his bike. To his surprise the woman said, "Hey, man, there won't be a problem. Keep on going, I can handle it."
          The cop did indeed pull the motorcycle over. The woman jumped right off and told the cop, "He's my husband, taking me to work. I work at that company across the way."
          The cop figured the young fellow wasn't a black mount, so he waived his arm to let them go. Just then the woman said, "Honey, I can walk the rest of the way to work. Oh, right, I forgot to bring any money with me today. Give me a few bucks." As she was speaking she reached into the fellow's pocket, fished out his wallet and walked off with 300 Yuan….


故事会, 2012, 10 月, 下半月, 第6页, October 2012, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 6




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