Chinese Stories in English
A Plethora of the Most Awesome Sexual Jokes in History (2)
[More proof that the juvenile mind is a cross-cultural phenomenon. Many of these "jokes" will leave you wondering why anyone ever thought they were funny. They're all great for language practice, though. If you're sensitive to off-color language, read at your own risk.
Translated from the last half of http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_822e94890100ykct.html. You may have to turn off your VPN to view this site. The numbering is the same as on the website.]
9. The boss's young companion had a loud voice. He gave her an order. “My guest tonight is a high-status man. When you speak, you must speak softly.”
After dinner the boss and his guest played cards while his young companion cleaned up. When she finished she was tired and wanted to go to sleep, so she went over to the male guest and whispered in his ear, “Yo, I’m going to bed now.”
10. I’d just gotten home when I noticed a big old 100-yuan note on my desk. My ma doesn’t usually give me any spending money, so I so wondered if she was showing a little pity on me this time. When I picked it up I discovered a slip of paper under it. I picked it up and saw this message written on it:
“Today’s Grandma’s birthday. Wait at home for me and we can go pay our respects to her together. Please note that the 100 yuan isn’t for you, it was to get your attention.“
11. Nineteen years ago in high school, some of us guys would often use the DVD player at our friend Military’s place to watch “cultural phraseology films”, namely, porn flicks. He lived with his grandparents, who were both in their seventies. They didn’t keep a close watch on him.
One time we didn’t close the door tightly so his grandpa was able to push it open and come in. The old man’s eyesight was fuzzy and he didn’t say anything, just tottered out and shut the door behind him, so we figured we were OK. A few days later, though, he up and asked our friend, “Military, I spent days looking but couldn’t find it. That program you guys are always watching, what channel is it on?”
12. I was studying on my own one evening when I was in junior high. A boy I admired was sitting at the table in front of me. He turned around abruptly and said to me, “Ten years from now, I’ll definitely come back here and take you.”
My face flushed red when I heard that. I got along pretty well with him, but I never thought he’d say such a thing. Then he continued, “I’ll take your worthless life. Ha ha!”
After all these years, when I think of that, I still don’t know what I should’ve said.
13. I received an absence request this morning. The petition started, “Teacher, your student X was in the hospital undergoing treatment but the treatment was unsuccessful….”
A huge explosion “banged” in my head. The kid had been so lively recently. How could he now…? My tears started to flow and I cried for a long time.
Then I picked the request back up and suddenly saw, “so he’s transferring to the hospital downtown for further treatment. I hope you will excuse his absence.”
I was spitting blood. Where did that person learn how to write?
14. I was finally able to borrow “The Beasts’ Seed” from a classmate yesterday. After I’d copied it into my dad’s computer, a dialog box appeared: “This document already exists. Do you want to replace the original?” I turned to stone…. [Fannyi assumes that “兽兽的种子” is the title of a porn flick.]
15. I was still drowsy when my cell phone began to vibrate early one morning. I pulled it over and pushed the ‘answer’ button. “Hi! Hello! Hi? Hi? Who is it? What do you want? Say Something! FUCK!”
I pressed the ‘end call’ button, really angry. I looked to see who the call was from and saw it was a text message…. Eh—
16. I was watching TV one day. The program was about what a child should do when encountering a dangerous situation, and I thought I’d test my two-year-old son. I pretended to faint to see what he’d do.
“Mama, mama, what’s wrong?” he cried as he pried open my eyes with his hands. “Mama, are you really dead?”
I didn’t hear any movement for a long time. When I squinted through my partially open eyes, I saw my boy counting the money in my wallet.
17. Today I was in the bathroom for a long time with a tummy ache. My dad suspected I was beating off. My sister came by and told him, “Don’t worry. If he was beating off, it wouldn’t take so long.”
18. I was in my second year of junior high back then. One day my mom asked me to go into her bedroom to get something for her. As soon as I opened the door I saw the covers for three or four A [adult] videos on the desk where she kept VCDs. I’d just learned SY [Systems Organization], so I started to reorganize her videos. After a couple of minutes, my dad roared “What are you doing?” I turned around. A tragedy! He’d been lying on the bed in the bedroom resting.
19. A five-year-old Chinese child appeared on a U.S. talk show. The American host asked, “Who’s your favorite singer?” An MM [美眉 pretty young girl] translated the question into Chinese. The child answered, “Michael Jackson,” pronouncing the name perfectly. The girl smiled smugly, turned to the host and translated, “mai-ke-er jia-ke-sun.”
20. We’d just had broadband installed at home. I’d agreed with my husband that he’d use it days and I’d use it evenings. After dinner I pressed him to let me have my turn, but he looked miserable and didn’t want to. I smiled and said, “If you let me get on now, I’ll let you get on tonight.” He stood up right away, laughing wickedly….
21. My friend laughed out loud while he told me this. His family raised chickens at home, and he had a twenty-year-old younger brother…. One day his dad called and said he was hungry for chicken. He asked his brother to slaughter one and he’d stew it when he got home. It was the first time his brother had slaughtered a chicken and he was afraid to use a cleaver, so he stuffed a chicken in a bag and beat it like crazy.
22. Back in 1990 or so, I was ten years old, I guess, and I was really fresh and pure. I was living in the countryside, and back then in the summer after dinner just about everyone in the whole village would gather down by the creek to chat and pass the time.
My family lived by the creek. My mom was in the habit of retiring early, and when she lay down on the bed to watch TV, she’d have me go tell my father to hurry home. Once I stretched out on the balcony and yelled, “Dad, come home and go to sleep. Mom’s already in bed.” ... The people enjoying the evening cool all burst out laughing. I wasn’t clear at the time what the adults were laughing at…. Now I know.
23. This is true. It’s about an orthopedic surgeon who had a patient with a broken right leg come in for treatment. The doctor negligently put a cast on his left leg.
Later, when the error was discovered, the hospital asked the patient, “Your left leg didn’t have a problem. Why didn’t you say anything when he was putting the cast on?”
The patient replied, “I thought he was using my left leg as a model.
24. Today was my first day back at work after the New Year’s. The boss passed out our year-end bonuses in red envelopes…. Oh, boy!... but the cup [sic, a common miswriting of ‘tragedy’] happened like this. The boss came up to me with a red envelope in his hand, and I looked at it “in excitement”. The result was, without realizing it, I started to drool. The boss read me the riot act. Fortunately, it was in my private office.
25. One time I was taking a bus, and after I got on, I accidently stepped on a man’s foot. I screamed, “Oh, jeez,” and the man matched me with, “I’m sorry”. After those reactions, neither of us knew what to say….
26. When you live with your husband’s parents, you have to be careful to maintain your privacy.
After I’d had a gynecological exam, I carelessly left the doctor’s report out on the desk in our room. My father-in-law saw it when he was putting something away.
That evening my husband told me that his dad had called him aside and chewed him out. He said he wanted my husband to take it easy. “You’ve only been married a year! How could you have worn her cervix out already?”
27. My uncle and his family were at our place one day. It was almost dinner time and we were getting ready to eat when I happened to notice a hair in the rice cooker. “That’s OK,” my uncle said, “as long as it’s not curly.”
28. Once my dad was taking me somewhere on his bicycle. I was bored sitting on the back of the bike and thought, “I’m already this old, and still don’t know whether Dad’s ticklish.” So I stuck both hands in his armpits and tickled up a tragedy. The bike hit a tree by the side of the road, and me and him ended up flat on our backs with our feet in the air….
29. I got in a fight with my husband one time, a really serious one. Our mothers couldn’t get us to stop. Later the two of us went in our room, closed the door and made up. After we’d made up, my husband wanted to **. We were half way through when my mom burst into our room. (She had a key.) We didn’t have time to pull up the covers and, jeez, she saw us completely naked. She said she’d heard something and thought I was crying. (Fact is, I’d been moaning while we **.)
30. Lunar New Year’s Eve I was watching the Special Variety Show on TV. The Little Tigers boy band came on stage.
My sister was about to die from excitement. My mom, sitting beside her, pointed to the lead singer Julian Chen and popped up with “Isn’t that the kid who committed suicide by jumping off a building a couple of years ago?”
31. I was working overtime in the office one Sunday. When it got dark, I didn’t feel like turning the lights on. I thought I’d play a computer game and then leave.
I played and played, then heard what I suspected was the voice of a woman making love coming from the file room next door. Shocking! So I turned off my computer and put a cup up to the wall to listen. I could tell the voice I heard was *** from Accounting, who I loved from afar. I was so crushed the cup fell to the floor and shattered with a loud noise….
The sounds from the next room stopped abruptly. After ten minutes I snuck out of my office but ran into the Assistant Manager in the hallway. Without thinking, I came out with a common greeting, “Mr. *, you’ve been working hard!”
32. Let me tell you something. One of my friends was feeling down because he and his girl had just broken up. He was walking down the street when he saw two dogs going at it. He went over and kicked the bitch. The result was, both dogs chased him for three blocks and bit him. His thigh got infected and he had to pay for an immunization.
34. I had nothing to do and went to a theater to see a movie with the wife. There was a scene in the movie where the hero was XXOO [having sex] and I started to feel a little XE [sexy]. I looked and there were only a few people around, and they were all concentrating on the movie, but I sent my wife a text even though she was sitting beside me (because I was afraid to say anything that someone might overhear). “Do you dare give me SY [a hand job]?”
She took out her phone and looked. Puzzled, she asked me, “What’s SY?” She didn’t say it loud, but it was pretty quiet in there and it seemed like everyone heard her. A bunch of eyes focused on us and I started to sweat.
I forced myself to act calm and asked her, “Who? Are you so senseless that you ask me about that?”
I didn’t expect her to chew me out. Right away she said, “You're the stupid one! You’ve forgotten the text you just sent me!”
35. I finally understand why Japanese adult videos are so popular. Japan’s national flower is the "female blossom" [cherry], and the symbol of the Japanese Imperial family is the daisy [-chain].
36. Never been on campus. Took the trouble today to go have a look for once. Bad news! Found out my friend's best friend had four co-eds. I tell you, first was my true love, next was my dearest baby, third was my little pet, a sexy wildcat. But I tell you, fourth was my stinky old wife. Uh.
37. I'd just started walking down the road and was moving right along when a seven or eight-year-old girl suddenly jumped out recklessly, pointed at me and shouted, "The devil appears in her true form!" I was so surprised that I abruptly stuck up my hands, like a conditioned reflex, in a gesture of surrender.
38. I've loved this woman from afar for years. Today I finally felt her tits.
I loved her all the time we were in school, but didn't have the courage to tell her. When I came back home she'd already gotten married to one of my classmates. This afternoon she was breastfeeding a baby she held in her arms. I was thinking, "I finally get a look." My emotions were so stirred up.
Her husband was sitting beside her chatting with me. I started to get gloomy. Such perfect things, if the baby can suck on them, why can't I? I was thinking about feeling them and thought up a good excuse. I walked up in front of her and put both hands on her tits as I took the baby from her. "Say hello to your uncle," I said, "or you can't eat anymore."
39. I remember one time I was having a medical procedure and was waiting at a student doctor's desk. The doctor had the patient in front of me pull down his pants and lean over. As he started his procedure, I noticed that he was holding the needle and nippers in the opposite hands from normal and I blurted out a question: "Hey, are you left-handed?" Before the doctor could answer, the patient bellowed, "Wow, Doc, you're awesome. One look at my cock and you know I'm a leftie!"
40. I was standing guard.
Young Girl: "Mama, a delivery man!"
Mother: "Nonsense, he's pol.ice [a cop]."
But I'm in the army.
41. Got a text from my girlfriend today. "I'm getting married. I told you I wanted to go through the wedding ceremony with you, so, you can come and be the best man."
42. When I was young, whenever I did something wrong, my kindly Mommy would explode and hit me. Then she'd ask, "Did you do wrong?"
I was so naive, I'd always answer bravely, "I didn't do anything wrong!" The result was a second blow…. That's how stupid me fell into a recurring tragedy….
Huh, after it had happened over and over, I finally got the picture. One time after Mommy hit me and asked, "Did you do wrong?" I immediately answered, "I was wrong."
For the life of me I never expected what she'd do next. She asked, "What did you do wrong?"
Without thinking I answered loud and clear, "I don't know."…
43. Yesterday I went to the in-patient section of the hospital to see a friend…. People were saying he'd been beaten up. He had a concussion and his right arm was broken. I was angry and asked him who'd beaten him. I told him I'd find the guy and get revenge….
It turned out, he said that he and his GF [girlfriend] had been doing SM [sadomasochism]. I was curious and asked, "Didn't you tie her up? And besides, how can you get a concussion from SM? What heavy stuff are you into, bro'?"
"Fuck! I'd just got her tied up and took my clothes off. I was about to go for the main event when her dad pushed open the door and came in. The worst thing was… she was gagged … and her dad was in the army. He didn't say a word, just picked up a stool and pounded on me!!!"
44. I'd been using the wash basin for a month before I found out it's the same one my sister uses to wash her PP.
45. Hubby bought a new cell phone today. Later, while we were driving, I downloaded and set up a bunch of apps for him. The screen had spaces for four contact numbers, so I started to copy names from the SIM card. I saw one called “Wife Boss” and happily put it in the position for the number one contact. Then I test-dialed it. The call went through, but my phone didn’t ring.
46. Junior high, second year, second floor classroom. The English teacher was a cool dude, but some people were acting up in class and he got mad. He pulled A up onto the rostrum for a good swift kick, but A ducked. The dude’s shoe went flying in an arc out the window and straight into a flower bed.
“Go get it for me,” the dude said.
“You gonna try and kick me again?” A responded.
47. [Untranslatable pun]
48. I’m female, but my mom always dressed me up as a boy when I was a kid. One time I was playing outside when a group of boys playing the game “Monkey Grabs the Peaches” came by. One of them ran over and grabbed me, and groped around for a long time before he came to a sudden realization….
49. One day last year, I went to a Buddhist temple at West Mountain with my mom to make an offering. We’d pulled out a prayer slip and, in accordance with the standards, were about to burn some incense. I couldn’t find any place to light it, though, so I had my mom go ask a monk off to one side. She said to him, “Excuse me, Master of The Way…. [Using the term for a Daoist priest rather than a Buddhist monk.]
50. The school had confiscated our cell phones in preparation for our exams, so I borrowed my dad’s phone to play online games. I ended up seeing a text message from my mom that said how she really wanted to make Ai [love]….
51. Absolutely true story….
I met a beautiful woman a couple of days ago, introduced by a close relative. Before two days had passed we made love. This morning I got the tragic news that she’s my sister-in-law through a distant relative….
52. A cry from the dorm: “How many times have I told you, don’t use the scented soap to wash your privates! You think I won’t die from disgust?”
“You didn’t? Then what’s this hair doing on it?”
“It’s from my head!”
“What the fuck, girl, you think you’re Buddha reborn?”
53. To make it easier for my mom to use the computer, I renamed various programs like, “Watch Movie”, “Listen to Music”, “Press Here to Go Online”, etc. The rest I changed to “Don’t Press”, “You Wouldn’t Understand,” “You Break You Pay”….
54. My husband's a real child. One time when we were **ing, he must’ve been too tired and he SHE’d [came] after two minutes. When he saw that I didn’t look like I’d had an orgasm, he got particularly angry and ran into the kitchen. He came back and tossed me a carrot.
55. In math class my second year of junior high – the math teacher was our class advisor – the cell phone of a student right in front of him started to ring.
The ringtone was unusually loud, but the teacher paid it no attention and continued writing a problem on the blackboard. After a while he turned his head and said, “If anyone’s phone rings when it shouldn’t, I’ll put it down gently on the floor.”
The students were puzzled. The teacher turned back to the board and continued writing. After he’d completed half the formula, he said:
“And trample it with all my might.”
56. The bus I rode on today trembled violently whenever it came to a stop…. I felt really good, quivering like I was about to get off.
57. My girlfriend’s grandma’s birthday happens to coincide with the spring festival. She went over to grovel and pay her respects to the old lady. She was going to say the conventional things, like “wish you good health” and “may your wishes come true”, but she quickly got brain fade. After she’d said all that stuff and couldn’t think of anything else, she choked out “Long Live Your Royal Highness!”
58. One morning when I went to work, as soon as I got there this guy Old **, who’s over forty, started bragging about how he’d gotten lucky playing mahjong the previous evening and had won so much money. We asked who he’d been playing with, and he happily said, “With xx, xx and xx.” (All three women are our co-workers.) He went on to say, “Their husbands were drinking, and I did all three of the wives! Ha, ha, ha.”
59. When I was in college I got a bunch of H [hardcore] disks from a friend and locked them in a drawer. One time I absent-mindedly forgot to lock it when I went off campus. After an apprehensive weekend at home, I rushed to look. I took them out and counted them several times, and it seemed they hadn’t been discovered, but when I went to put them back in the drawer I noticed a slip of paper. I picked it up and froze right away. On it was written, “Get some Japanese ones, instead. The American ones are boring.”
60. We went back to our ancestral home when I was a kid. I saw a pile of cow dung by the road looking quite chic. My grandma's family happened to have a cow, and I hurried to look and see how that cow's butt could have produced anything so stylish. I'd just stuck out my head when… something embarrassing happened. A pile of steaming hot shit mucked up my face….
1、A husband was going to be away on business for half a year. His saintly wife lovingly handed him a package of rubbers. "If you really can't control yourself while you're away," she said, "remember that you must use a condom."
The husband responded with emotion, "We don't have enough at home. I'd better use theirs!"
2、A man saw an ad. "Make your reproductive organ bigger and rougher with no stress, no operation and no hospital stay!" He was overjoyed and sent in the money right away. A few days later he received a package in the mail and opened it anxiously. "Fuck! A magnifying glass!"
3、 [Translated in Risqué 01 #22]
4、When the groom awoke the morning after their wedding night, he discovered his bride was in tears. He asked her in astonishment, "Why are you crying, Dearest?"
"You used that thing all night," she cried, "and it shrunk into nothing. What'll we do from now on?"
5、 [Translated in Risqué 01 #26]
6、 [Translated in Risqué 01 #28]
7、 [Translated in Risqué 01 #30]
8、 [Translated in Risqué 01 #33]
9、 [Translated in Risqué 01 #31]
10、When Grandpa took his grandson to the bathhouse, they saw each other naked. "Why is the hair on top white," the grandson asked, "but the hair down below is black?"
"Because," Grandpa answered, "everything the top encountered caused a headache, but everything the bottom encountered was joyous!"
11、 [Translated in Risqué 01 #38]
12、Two sisters-in-law were crossing a river together. The older one was carrying the younger one on her back and the younger one started to feel her sister's lower parts. "What's this?" she asked.
"A bad boy," the older one answered, and then she asked a question of her own. "What do you have down there?"
"A police station," the younger one answered somewhat shyly, "that catches bad boys."
13、A car driver was constantly getting traffic tickets and really hated the cops. His wife told him, "When we have a son we'll call him 'Cop', and when you get mad you can beat him. If that doesn't calm you down, you can fuck the Cop's mother!"
14、 [Translated in Risqué 01 #64]
15、Little brother [a euphemism for 'penis'] brought up the reasons he wanted to quit his job. "It's physical labor. I'm always working in the deepest part and have to stick my head in. I get no vacations or holidays, the work environment is damp and dark, it's hard to breathe with that latex mask on, and I have to keep spitting until I'm dry."
16、Four girls were talking about what they wanted to be in the next life. "I want to be a flower, so everyone will kiss me!"
"I'll be a mahjong tile, so everyone can feel me!
"An ice cream cone, so everyone can lick me!"
"I want to be an ambulance so everyone can mount me from the rear, and I can wail out loud!"
17、A couple got in an argument. The man said, "I can't win an argument with you! You have a mouth up top and a mouth down below!"
The woman said, "I have even less ability to win an argument with you! You have a mouth up top, and down below you have a microphone with two speakers!"
18、 [Translated in Risqué 01 #35]
19、A little girl was always showing off her new toys to a little boy. The boy pulled down his pants and said, "You'll never have one of these!"
The girl pulled down her pants and said, "My mom says as long as I have this, I can have as many of those as I want."
20、Two friends, a man and a woman, were sleeping in one room. The woman drew a line. "Whoever crosses this line is a wild beast," She woke up in the morning and realized the man really hadn't crossed the line. She slapped him hard. "You're not even equal to a wild beast."
They slept on the same bed the next night. The woman drew a line as she had before, but the man had learned his lesson the previous night. Late at night he crossed the line and made his move, but because he was nervous, he got no results. In the morning the woman slapped him again. "I never imagined you wouldn’t be equal to a wild beast."
21、The zipper on the woman teacher's pants came open while she was lecturing. A girl student stood up and alerted her. "Teacher, your door isn't closed!" The teacher waived her hand and said, "Never mind. The chief instructor will be coming to observe in a bit."
22、The Family Planning Bureau noticed there'd been too many births and asked the Village Chief why. "With no electricity, they've got nothing to do," he said.
"What do you mean, nothing to do?"
"You know, they've got nothing to do, so they do it."
23、An unmarried man and an unmarried woman were brought together by a matchmaker. The man introduced himself. "I've got a gun and two grenades, but never fought a war in thirty-eight years."
The woman replied, "What's even stupider, I've got window and two doors, but no one's come in in twenty-six years."
25、 [Untranslatable pun]
26、 [Translated in Risqué 01 #50]
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