Chinese Stories in English
Stories Magazine (Page 08)
Stories from Stories Magazine Compilation #145 《故事会合订本145》上海文化出版社
Page citation and link to online Chinese text noted after each story.
1. The Escort Agency 3. Blowhard 's Divination
2. Colorful 4. The Secret of His Escape
1. The Escort Agency (镖局奇案)
Liu Lei (刘蕾)
An exquisitely dressed young man walked in just as the Town and Sea Armed Escort Agency was opening its doors that morning. He said he’d heard of Chief Escort Dauntless Zhao’s reputation and admired the man. He’d come to hire him as an escort on a trip.
The Deputy Chief, Brightness Li, overheard the young man and came out from the back room. He said Chief Escort Zhao had gone out of town and not yet returned. The young man smiled. "Chief Escort Zhao returned to the city yesterday,” he replied. “Many people saw him. The Deputy Chief is obviously making an excuse." Brightness choked and didn't know what to say.
The young man introduced himself as Luxuriant Talent Yu, the third son of the Yu family in the provincial capital. The Yus were the richest family in the provincial capital and had business interests throughout the country. The young man wanted to see Dauntless Zhao about an important matter. Brightness hesitated momentarily before ordering someone to go to the back courtyard to inform the Chief Escort.
It seems that Dauntless had been away assisting the government suppress bandits. He injured many of them but failed to catch their leader, “Lone Mountain Dragon”, and he himself had suffered internal injuries. Yesterday, as soon as he got back, he went to his bedroom to meditate and recuperate. He’d closed his door and refused to see guests, but now, when he heard who wanted to see him, he had to change his clothes and make an appearance.
After he and Luxuriant exchanged pleasantries, the young man took out a stack of silver certificates and got straight to the point. "Here’s three thousand taels of silver as a deposit. If you can personally make this trip and deliver something to my father, my father will pay an additional ten thousand taels of silver in one lump sum.”
Thirteen thousand taels of silver! Dauntless was surprised and wondered why the Yu family was coming to him out of the blue. They had their own caravan and guards, and had never before asked his agency to escort them. And such a sky-high fee. He suspected the job the third son of the Yu family wanted him to do must be very perilous.
Any other day, Dauntless would certainly have asked what was to be escorted before considering whether to accept the job. That day was different, however. The agency had suffered a huge loss helping the government suppress bandits. Several of his comrades had died and even more were injured. Pensions for his dead brothers’ families, medical expenses for the injured, and subsequent expenses for recruiting new escorts and porters would cost a ton of money. If he accepted this job, all these problems would be solved.
With these thoughts in mind, Dauntless smiled and told the young man, "Please rest assured, sir. I’ll definitely make the delivery to your father as fast as I can. Please tell me what you want delivered and when you’ll bring it to our agency."
"It's my maidservant,” Luxuriant replied. “She’ll dress up like me. Just escort her to my home."
Dauntless thought that if they’re willing to spend such a huge sum to take a maidservant home, they must expect the journey to be a real problem. But he only said, "That's easy. I’ll definitely get her home without losing a hair on her head."
Luxuriant hesitated for a moment before muttering, "Someone will intercept us on the way and try to kill us."
When Dauntless asked who, Luxuriant grimaced and said, "I don't know who they are. They’re secretive and vicious. Otherwise I wouldn't have asked you to escort us on this trip."
Then Luxuriant told the whole story: Not long before, he’d gone out with more than ten people on a caravan to buy merchandise. He saw a precious sword inlaid with gold and jade for sale in a jewelry store. He took a fancy to it and bought it. When they got up one morning on the way home, they found that the groom who fed the horses was missing. He was a young guy and everyone thought he’d just been out playing around all night, so they waited a day for him to return. The next day, he still hadn't come back, and one of the drivers also turned up missing.
Luxuriant felt something was wrong and had everyone go looking for the two missing men. They couldn't find them after a full day’s search. That night Luxuriant told everyone to stay dressed and remain together, and ordered the caravan guards to take turns watching through the night. Even so, after dawn one more person had gone missing.
Everyone got so scared that Luxuriant ordered the caravan to set out immediately without bothering to look for any of the missing men. They walked continuously for four days and nights without further incident, much to everyone’s relief. But then, on the fifth day, a gang of men wielding knives stopped them. Their leader, who wore a mask, said that his heirloom knife had been stolen. He’d asked around and learned that Luxuriant had it. If he got it back, the bandits would return the three kidnapped men.
Luxuriant thought it over before eventually giving the precious sword he’d purchased to the masked man. The man examined it at length but then abruptly threw it to the ground. He claimed it was a fake. He picked it up again right away and held it to Luxuriant's neck. Luxuriant promptly explained how he’d acquired the sword, but the bandit didn't believe a word of it and his men forcibly searched the caravan. They found nothing. The masked man told Luxuriant that if he didn't return the sword, the gang would harass him day and night for the rest of his life. It would be worse than dying. Then, in the blink of an eye, the gang disappeared.
Everyone was terrified and rushed on toward home. When they stopped at a market to change horses and carts, they decided the goods they carried were too heavy and were slowing them down, so they sold the stuff cheaply if they could and threw it away if they couldn't. They were desperate to get home, but no matter how fast they ran, more of their number disappeared every day. Only Luxuriant and the maidservant were left in the caravan when they got to Dauntless Zhao’s town.
As hearing Luxuriant’s story, Dauntless thought, “This young fellow doesn't know martial arts and his guards were weak, so they got scared when they meet a few bandits with strong martial arts skills. The bandits acted strangely, but they only kidnapped people and didn't hurt them. They’re not so vicious and should be easy to handle.”
With that in mind, Dauntless offered, "In that case, the escort that Third Master Yu needs should be me.” He asked, “But why do you say it’s the maidservant you want escorted, and why will she be dressed up like you?"
Luxuriant Talent Yu said, "I’ve always felt that those bandits used the precious sword as an excuse, while in fact they have an ulterior motive. I want to hide in my cousin’s military camp in the next county for a while to figure it out. I’ve asked you to take the maidservant home because, first, I want to let my family know what happened and see if they know who the bandits are; and second, I want to divert the bandits’ attention so I can leave quietly."
Dauntless nodded. So, it was the young man’s plan to escape. The two discussed the plan for a while, and finally Dauntless agreed to pick the maidservant up at the inn early the next morning.
After they saw Luxuriant off, Deputy Chief Brightness gave his boss a worried look. "Brother,” he said, “you’re seriously injured. I’ve sent someone to the provincial capital to get Dr. Zhou, the miracle worker. He should get back tomorrow. Let me go on this escort mission for you."
Dauntless shook his head. "I agreed to go, and I have to keep my word. If you’re worried, just send some more good men with me." Brightness agreed reluctantly.
As he’d promised, Dauntless went to the inn and picked up the maidservant. She’d already dressed up as a man, so Dauntless told her to ride in a carriage alone and not act like a dainty woman outside the house. His team unfolded the escort flag and headed off to the provincial capital in a formidable array.
A mountain stood between Dauntless’ town and the provincial capital. The escorts came to the entrance of a ravine cutting through the mountain on the evening of the second day. It was a short way through the ravine, after which the road flattened out and they could reach the provincial capital in another half a day. Dauntless furled his brow in thought. The ravine was narrow and a dense forest grew on each side. They’d be slaughtered if someone ambushed them there, so he ordered the team to camp at the entrance for the night.
In the middle of the night, as he was meditating and caring for his wounds, Dauntless heard the pounding of horses’ hooves. He opened his eyes and saw a gang of men on horseback rushing out of the valley. The escorts were surrounded in an instant.
The escorts jumped up at the noise and circled around the maidservant’s carriage, brandishing their knives and guns. Dauntless walked over to the carriage and said softly, "Don't be afraid, but absolutely do not show yourself." Then he took a few steps forward, clasped his fists and announced, "I’m Dauntless Zhao from the Town and Sea Escort Agency. May I ask, where my good friends have come from?"
All he heard in reply was a sinister sneer. "Good friends? Maybe in the next life!"
Dauntless' scalp tingled. Why did this voice sound like the escaped bandit leader, Lone Mountain Dragon? In the darkness, the bandit continued, "People say Chief Escort Zhao thinks money is shit. So how come you got so greedy? Some guy shows you a few taels of silver and you don't want to stay at the agency to heal your wounds? You risk your life coming here to run an errand for him? I hit you with my Finger of Ice technique last time. Now I’ll use my inner strength. Your whole body will shiver with such cold that you won't even be able to hold your gun steady."
Dauntless stood there holding his spear across his body, ignoring the bandit’s ridicule. "So the guys who hijacked the Yu family caravan are in the same gang as you," he fumed.
"It’s none of your business whether we’re in the same gang. I had no grudge against you until you helped the government destroy my stronghold and kill my brothers. Now all of Creation demands that I get my revenge!" The bandit jumped off his horse while he was speaking and slashed at Dauntless with a sword.
He caught Dauntless by surprise. From what he’d said, Dauntless knew that the bandit wasn’t here to kill Luxuriant, but to seek revenge on him. Dauntless quickly waved his spear and tried to bring his inner strength to bear, but found that his tank was empty and his strength gone. His legs went weak and he fell to the ground. He looked back at the others, but they were all slumped motionless on the ground.
Dauntless was shocked. He’d just been meditating and regulating his breathing, and his inner strength had almost recovered. How could it have disappeared so suddenly? Then a faint fragrance came to his nose, and he understood....
He’d also smelled this fragrance beside the carriage just now, and at the time he thought it was the fragrance of powder on the maidservant's body. Now he realized that this "maid" must be a master of toxins who’d surreptitiously poisoned his men along the way. She released a toxic gas to make the drug take effect when the bandits appeared. It seems that this "maid" and the so-called Luxuriant Talent Yu were both in cahoots with Lone Mountain Dragon....
In the moment it took Dauntless to realize that, the bandit had already come up to him. He was grinning, swinging his sword towards Dauntless' head. Dauntless watched it coming down towards his face, powerless to stop it....
At that critical moment, a short arrow clanged against the bandit’s sword. Lone Mountain Dragon lost his balance and his sword fell to the ground. Arrows rained down from above the treetops at the same time. For a while, screams came one after another as arrows struck Lone Mountain Dragon and his men. They dropped to the ground, unable to move.
Dauntless was surprised and thrilled to see many soldiers jumping down from the trees, led by Deputy Chief Escort Brightness Li. Dauntless hugged Brightness and asked, "Where’d you come from, Brother?"
It turned out that the man Brightness sent to get Dr. Zhou had returned not long after Dauntless left. He reported the sad news that the third young master of the Yu family, Luxuriant Talent Yu, was seriously ill in the provincial capital. Dr. Zhou and other famous doctors had been hired by the Yu family to treat him.
The news shocked Brightness. Since the third master was seriously ill and bedridden, the “Luxuriant Talent Yu” who’d come to the escort agency must be a fake! He’d made up a bizarre story to trick the injured Dauntless into leaving the escort agency. It must be a conspiracy!
Once he thought it through, Brightness reported to the government right away. He was assigned officers and soldiers to chase after the escort team. They took a shortcut and arrived at the ravine’s entrance just in time to see the bandits rushing out of the valley. The government troops fired thousands of arrows at once. Lone Mountain Dragon and his gang were caught off guard and taken prisoner.
Chinese text on page 2-055. Also available here.
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2. Colorful (阿彩)
Xu Fengqing (徐凤清)
The day before the beginning of autumn when I was twelve years old, the Team Leader (namely, my dad) gave the order to pick watermelons in the team's field for the last time. Back then, the pickers would often keep a few of the larger melons hidden in the vines for children to find. My dad never hid melons for me, though, and my mom and I complained a lot about that.
I was standing on a bank in the field that day when I noticed that Dad had quietly stuffed two melons as big as baskets among the vines. I was so happy that he’d finally got the hint and had hidden melons for me!
He didn't tell me what he was doing. I thought he saw me standing there and decided not to say anything. I was so excited that night that I couldn’t think of anything but our local “Touching Autumn” custom.*
We carried bamboo baskets on our backs, the type we used when picking grass, when we went to the field the next morning. A long whistle sounded at eight o'clock and all of us, adults and children alike, shouted happily as we rushed onto the field.
I ran to the patch where I’d seen Dad hide the melons. I reached under the vines but was surprised to find nothing there. I looked around and saw two big watermelons in the broken bamboo basket that Colorful was carrying. She was five or six steps from me and had obviously taken the melons.
Colorful was a thin girl with light brown hair, two years younger than me, from a family of rich peasants.** Her father had died two years before. Children in the team weren’t willing to play with her because of her family background, but I felt sorry for her, so I didn’t shun her. Sometimes when we went to the back mountain to cut grass and collect firewood, I’d notice she had too big a load and would carry some for her. The other kids laughed and said I could take her for a wife when we grew up. I chased after them and beat them up. Whenever that happened, Colorful saw how embarrassed the other kids were and applauded me.
I thought Colorful must have picked up the melons by mistake, so I smiled and told her, "My dad hid those for me. Give them to me."
But she didn't care about that. She shook her head and said, "No. I found them."
I was a little angry, so I reached into her basket with both hands to get a melon, but she bit my left hand hard. I screamed in pain and shook my fist angrily at her. Dad ran over, grabbed me tightly and shouted at her, "Go home! Now!"
I cried and shouted, "Why’d you let her take the melons you hid, Dad? Her family’s rich peasants!”
A lowlife from our team heard me shout and promptly told everyone that Dad had been messing around with a rich peasant woman. He claimed Dad stole the team's food to give to her, and that he’d hidden watermelons in the field for Colorful to find.
That lowlife was always getting into trouble, and Dad had bumped heads with him many times. He either gave the guy a talking-to or punished him with extra work, so the guy held a grudge against him. I was young at the time, so of course I didn't know about that. I believed what the lowlife said and hated Dad even more. Mom believed him, too, and cried and made a fuss.
Dad admitted that he’d hidden the melons for Colorful and secretly told her where to find them. He also admitted that he’d given a small bag of rice to her family last year because they were really struggling, and he hadn’t told Mom about it. He didn't steal the team's crops at all. The lowlife just happened to see him with the rice. Dad explained, "That woman's sickly and it's not easy for her to raise two kids. I’m the Team Leader, and I felt so lousy watching her that I had to help her on the Q.T."
Since he admitted what he’d done, Mom had no choice but to accept it. She didn't look at him kindly for many days, though.
Something Mom and I could never have imagined happened not long after that. The team held a meeting, and the Brigade Secretary announced their decision with a grim face: Since Dad had taken the wrong side politically, he was removed from his position as Team Leader and sent to the mountain to guard the forest.
In those days, people sent to the mountain to watch over the forest were all "bad elements". They had to eat and live on the mountain all year round, and had to patrol the forest even in wind, frost, rain and snow. It was a very nasty job.
Mom hated Colorful’s mother from that day forward. Once when Mom and I went to the mountain to take something to Dad, we ran into her carrying a bamboo basket covered with a clean towel. She must’ve brought something to Dad, too. Mom rushed up to her like an angry lioness, grabbed her hair, and cried and cursed: "You vixen, you ruined my man.... "
Colorful’s mother didn’t resist the attack at all. Tears in her eyes, she just said, "Your husband’s a good man. He saved my family."
Mom gnashed her teeth and warned the woman, "No matter how good he is, he’s not your man. If I run into you on the mountain again, your goose is cooked."
Colorful’s mother nodded woodenly, turned around and ran off down the mountain with her bamboo basket. She was wiping the tears from her eyes as she ran.
I also hated Colorful for biting me. When I went to collect firewood on the mountain and saw her, I rolled my eyes at her. She couldn't carry her load of firewood and her eyes begged me for help. She looked pitiful, but I hardened my heart, turned around and ran off.
I never saw Colorful’s mother on the mountain after that. Eventually the intense feelings in Mom's heart settled down.
I thought we’d broken off all ties with Colorful and her mother, but fate brought our two families together again. Mom and I came across Colorful when we went to the mountain to visit Dad one day in early summer of the following year. She was on her way down the winding mountain road that led to Dad's hut, carrying a bamboo basket and a clean towel. Mom was taken aback when she saw her. The basket and towel were the same ones that the woman had carried that time when she took something to Dad. Was she still unwilling to give up on my father? Colorful noticed us at the same time and wanted to turn into the woods to avoid us. Mom ran up to stop her and shouted, "Who told you to come up here, Colorful?" Colorful turned her head and protected her basket without making a sound.
Mom suspected she was hiding something secret in the basket. Not caring whether Colorful wanted her to see it or not, Mom reached out and lifted the towel. She found a bowl containing a fragrant, wild pheasant stew. Mom was so angry that she pointed at the bowl and declared, "There’s half a pheasant there. Is it a gift from Amenable? Are you taking it to your mother for dinner?"
Amenable is my father's name.
Colorful gritted her teeth and didn't answer. She pushed Mom away and ran off. Mom chased after her, grabbed her with one hand and tried to grab the bowl with the other. Colorful tried to protect it from Mom’s grasp, but the bowl banged down on the mountain trail and the pheasant rolled around on the yellow mud. Colorful cried and ran away with her empty basket. Her cries echoed through the mountain forest and scared me.
Mom brought the muddy pheasant home and said she’d wash and re-heat it for dinner. I was on edge all afternoon and didn't want to eat the thing. I had a feeling something was going to happen and, sure enough, Colorful's mother showed up at our house when the sun was about to set over the western hills. She was panting and pleaded, "Have you been to the mountain, Auntie?"
"What's it to you?" Mom replied.
The woman burst into tears and said that Colorful had killed a wild pheasant while she was on the mountain collecting firewood. Her mother knew her two children weren’t getting enough to eat, so she stewed it for them. Colorful said, no, she wanted to give it to Amenable. She couldn’t forget the two big melons he’d hidden for her that day.
"My daughter received a favor,” Colorful's mother said, “and she never forgot it. She took the pheasant back up the mountain. But now the sun’s about to set and she hasn’t come home yet."
My head went "boom" when I heard that. Mom shouted: "Let’s go up there and look for her!"
"Colorful!" The three of us shouted her name when we got up there, but didn't hear any response. Her mother got more anxious as the forest gradually darkened. She almost fainted. Only then did we see Dad running out of the forest carrying the thin girl on his back.
Her mother's eyes lit up. She rushed over and cried, "My baby, what's wrong with you?"
Colorful slowly opened her eyes. She obviously felt wronged and burst into tears. She told us she’d gone to the mountain to give the pheasant to Dad. He kept half of it and told her to take the other half home. She didn’t expect to meet us on the way. When Mom misunderstood and yelled at her, she couldn’t take it. She ran off into the forest and cried for a long time. Then she got bitten by a poisonous snake and passed out.
Dad got angry at Colorful's mother. "How many times have I told you not to let your daughter come up the mountain? I found her when I was on my rounds and crushed a handful of herbs to apply to the bite. If I hadn't, she would’ve been a goner!"
Everything became clear. Mom’s face turned pale from regret. She hugged Colorful and cried, "Oh, you precious child, I'm so sorry!"
I was ashamed, too. I promised, "I won’t hate you anymore, Colorful.”
Time flies. Dad guarded the forest on the mountain for over ten years without incident. Later, the Brigade Secretary told us Dad would probably have been sent to a labor camp if he hadn't assigned him to the mountain.
I graduated from college and returned to my hometown, partly to take over for my father, and partly to take up with Colorful. On our wedding night, I held her in my arms and whispered, with infinite happiness, "We probably wouldn’t have gotten together except for that time we “Touched Autumn”.
She tried to look fierce. "Aren't you afraid I’ll bite you again?"
I stretched out my left hand. "It’s all yours," I told her. She took my hand and, with tenderness in her eyes, gently stroked the shallow scar left by her bite...."
*Formerly a symbolic activity to wish for a son, similar to an Easter egg hunt in western countries. On the day of the Mid-Autumn Festival, married women who had not yet given birth would go to the fields with friends to grope under the vines for produce.
**“Rich peasants” was one of the classes into which the CCP formerly divided people. Nowadays the Party prefers “farmers” rather than “peasants” as the politically correct term for people who work the land.
Chinese text on page 2-060. Also available here.
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3. Blowhard 's Divination (罗大炮算圭卜)
Collected and compiled by Wang Shichao (王士朝搜集整理)
A family named Luo lived south of Zhenping City [in Henan province] during the Qing Dynasty’s Daoguang period [1821–1850]. Their only son, Brilliant Master Luo, showed unusual intelligence as a young man but squandered all his family’s assets on eating, drinking and playing around after he grew up. He had to hang out a shingle to make a living. It read, "Little Piggy is reborn, Legendary Luo can divine what ails you."*
The idea that such a rascal could cure ills by telling fortunes surprised the neighbors to no end. Someone said: "What’s with this ‘Legendary Luo’? I think it should be 'Blowhard Luo'!" The nickname “Blowhard” stuck.
Blowhard set up his fortune-telling stall in front of a Chinese medicine shop. The shopkeeper, Mr. Gao, couldn't sit still for that. He thought, “This guy says he can cure people's illnesses without taking medicine, so who’s going to buy my products? No, I’ve got to find a way to drive him away before he gets firmly established!”
Shopkeeper Gao walked up to Blowhard's fortune-telling stall once he made up his mind to do something. Blowhard stood up right away and bowed when he saw him. "I’ve borrowed the precious land in front of your door to earn a little money to support my family. I hope you can forgive me."
"Okay, okay...” the shopkeeper replied. “The thing is, is your divination accurate?"
"It's not a boast,” Blowhard answered casually, “but if my predictions aren’t accurate, you can tear down my stall!"
"Good!" Shopkeeper Gao had been waiting for this opportunity. "Since you have such great magical powers, I'd like you to divine something for me. If you’re right, you can keep your stall in front of my shop; if you’re wrong, I’ll tear down your stall. You said it yourself!”
Blowhard had second thoughts but remained outwardly calm." Okay, what do you want me to divine?"
"Predict how many customers I’ll have today, and how much they’ll spend on medicine."
Blowhard was stunned. He thought, “How can I do that? He’s just putting the squeeze on me!” He couldn’t get out of it, though, and had to make something up. “I predict you’ll have one customer today….”
"And when will this person come in?"
"Three quarters past noon."
"How much will they spend?”
"Two coppers."
Shopkeeper Gao smiled and clapped his hands "OK! One customer, two copper coins, three quarters after noon. I'll make a note of it!" Then he turned around and went back into his store.
After a while, an old man in a hurry came walking down the street. He saw Blowhard's fortune-telling stall and stopped to take a look. "Can you tell fortunes, boy? I’ve lost my donkey. Can you tell me where it is? It’s got a new saddle on it!"
Blowhard looked up and recognized Old Man Wang from East Village. A thought crossed his mind. “If I could figure out where the donkey was, I’d have already gone to get it and sell it. Why would I still be sitting here in this stall?” He frowned and glanced at the medicine shop and his eyes lit up. “I can use this to solve my problem” he decided. So he told Old Man Wang, “You’ve lost your donkey.” He closed his eyes and pretended to be thoughtful. “This donkey...."
"Can I get it back?" the old man asked, excitement in his voice.
"Of course you can, but to find the donkey, you first have to ... take some medicine."
This confused Old Man Wang. "I have to take medicine before I can find the donkey? What does that mean?"
"Since you’ve come to me to solve your problem, you have to do as I say. Otherwise even the gods can't help you! After you take the medicine, you won’t need to look for the animal. It’ll come back by itself in the evening. If it doesn’t, I’ll give you another donkey tomorrow.”
The old man thought, "OK, it’s worth a shot." He was about to leave when Blowhard stopped him.
"I haven't finished yet. You have to go in this shop right here to buy the medicine. That’s the only way it’ll work." Old Man Wang nodded and was about to go into the shop, but Blowhard said, "Hang on a sec. There are some particulars!"
"What particulars?"
"One is the time you buy the medicine. It can't be too early or too late. You must buy it at a quarter to one. Another is how much you pay. It has to be two copper coins, no more, no less."
Old Man Wang took note of all this. He went to the door of the medicine shop and waited there a long time. He entered the shop at 12:45 and respectfully handed Shopkeeper Gao two copper coins.
The shopkeeper was furious. Why did this guy come in at this time, not earlier or later? Why is he only buying two copper coins of medicine, not too much or too little? It's too spooky! But he suppressed his anger and asked Old Man Wang, "What medicine do you want to buy?"
This stopped Old Man Wang in his tracks. Blowhard had told him a bunch of stuff, but he hadn't said what medicine to buy! The old fellow could only answer, "Any medicine will do."
Shopkeeper Gao thought, "Any medicine? How can anyone buy medicine like that? If that’s the way you want to play it, you’re ruining my business, so I'll punish you for it.” He spread out a large piece of paper and poured a bunch of coptis, angelica and croton on it, three types of laxative.
Old Man Wang weighed the mixture in his hand. “Regardless of whether I get the donkey back or not,” he thought, “such a big bag of medicine for only two copper coins is really a bargain.”
When he got home, Old Man Wang asked his wife to boil the medicine in water right away. She went into the kitchen, but when she opened the bag and saw how much medicine there was, she decided it would be a shame to boil it all at once. She poured just half of it into the pot and put the rest away.
Taking medicine he didn’t need wasn’t pleasant, but Old Man Wang didn’t care a lot about that if it meant getting his donkey back. He heard a rumbling sound in his gut as soon as he finished drinking the stuff. He ran to the toilet, unbuttoning his pants as he went. The diarrhea started as soon as he squatted down.
In the blink of an eye, he emptied his bowels in seven or eight streams. He crapped so much he was out of breath and couldn't straighten his back. He cursed fiercely. "Shit! Shit! I’ll get back at you tomorrow if I don’t die shitting!"
But let's not talk about Old Man Wang cursing Blowhard in the toilet. Let's talk about where his donkey was. It seems the old man’s neighbor, Fifth Dog, had happened to see the animal when it broke free from its reins and ran off into the wild. Fifth Dog always was a greedy sort, so he took the donkey home with him. He planned to hide it overnight and sell it in another village the next day.
He didn’t realize that the donkey would know it wasn’t in its owner's home as soon as it came through the door. When it struggled to leave, Fifth Dog grabbed the bridle and pulled hard, but he couldn't hold on for long. Just then he heard Old Man Wang cursing on the other side of the wall, "Shit! Shit! I’ll get back at you tomorrow if I don’t die shitting!"
“My God, he knows everything,” Fifth Dog thought when he heard the cursing, “and he’s going to get even with me tomorrow!” He didn't dare hang on to the donkey any longer. As soon as he loosened his grip, the donkey ran out the door. However, the saddle on its back got caught on a branch in the yard. The beast yanked so hard it broke the saddle’s belt and ran back to its owner's house with its back bare.
Old Man Wang was still in the toilet, half dead, when he heard his wife shouting in the yard. "The donkey’s back! The donkey’s back!" The old guy forgot about shitting and ran into the yard with his pants in his hand. “Brilliant Master Luo,” he shouted in excitement. "Baby, you really are an angel!"
His wife took a closer look and shouted, "Where’s the saddle?" Her husband sighed at the loss of his brand new saddle. When his wife saw how pale and weak he was due to the diarrhea, she said in distress, "If it weren't for me, you would’ve died from the diarrhea today."
Old man Wang was puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"What was that medicine you drank? You’re lucky I only boiled half of it. Otherwise, you would’ve shit yourself to death!"
"Damn woman!" The old man was so mad he grimaced in his beard and glared at her. "I wondered why the donkey came back without its saddle. It’s because you only boiled half the medicine for me!"
*A reference to two fictional characters of superior intelligence.
Chinese text on page 2-088. Also available here.
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4. The Secret of His Escape (逃生秘诀)
Ke Nan (柯南)
An earthquake occurred in the city’s suburbs in the middle of the night. The tremor noticeably shook several high-rise residential buildings in a local development, but fortunately there weren’t many casualties.
Martial Zhou, a reporter, rushed to the scene of the disaster right away to dig up first-hand information. He learned that the first person in the development to escape was a man in his seventies. He knew the earthquake had happened in the wee hours of the morning when everyone was asleep, and he wondered why the old man had reacted so quickly.
Martial found the fellow and interviewed him with professional sensitivity. "Uncle,” he asked, “which floor do you live on?" The old man pointed to the top of the building and replied, "Sixth floor, the very top."
"Uncle, the quake happened late at night. Were you still awake?" he asked in surprise.
"I was asleep,” the old man answered. “I go to bed early every day."
"I heard the quake wasn’t very strong when you got out of the building,” Martial continued, even more curious. “How is it you’re so sensitive to earthquakes?"
"It was because of my son…."
Martial thought about that for a moment. "So, your son taught you how to get out in an earthquake, right? That seems like a very useful skill. Would you like to share it with everyone?"
To Martial’s surprise, the old man whipped out his cell phone and handed it to the reporter. "He didn't teach me anything. He just left me this cell phone!"
This struck Martial as odd. “He left you a phone? Far as I know, there was no warning text message before this quake....”
The old fellow stood up and sighed. "My boy’s abroad and is usually very busy. He gave me this phone when he left and said he’d call me, but the thing never rang! My hearing’s not good, so I set it to vibrate mode and keep it close to me. I put it under my pillow when I go to sleep at night. Last night, I thought the brat was finally calling me!"
Chinese text on page 2-096. Also available here.